Thursday, 14 April 2011

Don't Know What's Going On.

Maybe Sam is right. Maybe I do need to go to see my GP.

But, I kinda like the way I am at the moment. I feel productive. I feel motivated. I feel a bit hyper. The lack of sleep is not bothering me as I don't feel tired. I am ok on that amount of sleep. I feel mentally tired as I am thinking fast if that makes sense. I have a lot of different thoughts and can't process one before the other comes in. But, I can manage it. Well, I can most the time. Like if I am focusing on doing something. I have lists of things to do. So if I take one task, such as writing a letter I can do that and then move through my list. It's when I am not doing that that it bothers me. For instance I lose my concentration easily or lose track of what I am doing. I think I am managing to hide the lack of concentration. I don't think anyone has noticed.

Yeah I am still having the suicidal thoughts but they are not as often and it's more of a fleeting thought before another totally different one comes in. Before it was on a constant reel. I would picture my own death, I would picture different scenarios and they were all I thought of. But now it's just..."I wonder if...".

I've got a busy weekend planned. Shopping on Saturday. Yay! I know what I want but whether or not I will be able to get them. I know I probably shouldn't be but I want to.

Can anyone recommend a good eyeliner that stays on all day. I like to wear it thick and don't want a liquid one as I can't work them. I like pencil ones. I usually have like a smoky khol effect going on, heavy on top and bottom. What about foundations? I usually use clinique but I want something a bit heavier that will last the day and not make me shiny?

Not heard anymore from Gom. I am not that bothered. Ok, I want him to be thinking what have I done. I miss her. But I think moving another girl in probably shows that he is in love with someone else. You wouldn't move someone in you didn't love would you. I think I have come to terms with it now. Not sure. I would hate to run in to him and see him I think that may evoke some horrible emotions but I am ok after the contact with him this week.

I have got a meeting tomorrow which I am not happy about. This woman does not deserve her kids to be living with her. She spends all their money on drugs and alcohol and then can't feed them. The are in care at the moment but they are supposed to be coming back to her. I don't think that they should be. Not when she has not been giving the money over she has been receiving for them and the carers can't afford to feed them. It really annoys me.

I want kids and some people don't deserve to have them.

I keep biting the inside of my mouth as these pills give me dry mouth. It's really annoying me. I keep chewing it. And then it bleeds and can't stop grinding my teeth against it. I wish I could just stick a plaster on it or something, but with it being the inside of your mouth it wouldn't stick. Lol.

Had training on drugs today. I was surprised at how little in comparison to alcohol it costs the government. You know as in health care, crime etc. Alcohol is something like 10billion a year. Drugs is 0.9 billion a year. I wont say only, as I would quite like 0.9 billion. Sod it I'll take the 0.1. Or even 0.01!!!! Alcohol and the NHS is one of the things I am passionate about. When I was in hospital with the infection from self harming I would go out for cigarettes. I would say about 75% of the people I spoke to were in hospital either because they had had an accident while overly pissed or they were alcoholics and they had liver problems and other problems that go with alcohol. Did you also know that alcohol withdrawal can actually kill you. While drug withdrawal may feel like you are dying it's not a thing that can kill you. And, what confuses me is that drugs are looked at from a medical model and alcohol is a behavioural. There we are medical and behavioural again.

I spoke briefly to Sam about this on Wednesday. I said I prefer to look at it from the medical perspective as makes it seem a lot easier for me. I have written about it before on blogs about this. Wont go in to details again.

Anyway. I am not sure what else to say today. I am so busy at the moment but it's good. It means I can make the most of this what ever it is at the moment. Yay!


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