This situation is all my own fault.
If I hadn't have been so pissed I would not have fallen over and broken my foot.
I had drank 2 bottles of wine and felt fine. I should have been more pissed on that amount but I wasn't. Not when I decided on the 3rd. I walked to the shop and brought the 3rd fine. I can't remember drinking much of the 3rd. It's a bit hazy at that point. I was told to slow down but I felt indestructable. Nothing could harm me. I was fine. I was flying.
But. I did drink that 3rd. I didn't listen to anyone as I thought I was right and they were wrong. I can't remember much except from when I actually ended up on the ground. The pain sobered me up. Well kind of. I don't remember the ambulance journey or the paramedics. I know I wanted to get a taxi but I couldn't get up as I couldn't put any weight at all on my foot. It was agony. My friend called an ambulance as I couldn't walk. But I don't remember much of it. My friend Miss Recruitment said she saw the paramedic who took me in yesterday and I asked if she spoke to him, she then told me it was a her.
Here I am telling people all my views on the NHS and where money should be pumped in to and then I go and do this. My experiences of when I have ever had to be in hospital have been that when speaking to other people the majority of people in hospital are so because of alcohol. Whether it be that they have problems caused by the alcohol or as a result of them being pissed and injuring themselves. I believe that the government needs to throw money at alcohol intervention as it will save money in the long run. Spend the money now to save it in the future. Alcohol is probably the biggest drain on the NHS. So many problems are caused by alcohol. So what should they do? Increase the price? More education? I don't know but something needs to be done. These are my views and here I am being another number another statistic of alcohol caused injuries.
I do blame the shoes I was wearing also. They must have contributed some how. I don't usually wear heels. Yet here I was wearing 4inch high platform wedges. I tell everyone that it was the shoes fault. Because I don't usually wear heels and if I had have been in flats I probably wouldn't have broken anything if I had fallen. I may not have even fallen. Who knows.
I hate myself for this. How could I put myself in such a situation where I have jeopardised my course again. Of course I am not going to tell them just how pissed I was. I have just said I fell over in heels. They don't need to know that I was off my head. But after the whole worrying about being made to stop doing the course as of my mental health. And now this and it has thrown it up in the air again.
I need to be able to drive to do my placement. I need to get two observations done by 2 weeks time. My PE is on holiday and I need to get them done and written up. How the hell am I going to do those. I have asked if I can work from home but it kind of defeats the object of placement. I am going to ask if I can get taxis if the company will re-imburse. Or if my PE will pick me up and take me to those clients I need to have observations done on.
I am feeling like crap now. I blame myself for what has happened as I was stupid.
I am relying on people to do everything for me also which is horrible. I have lost all my independence. I mean, I can't even get a drink for myself unless I drink it standing where I made it as I can't carry anything on the stupid crutches. I have to pack a bag to take what I want for the day downstairs as it takes me about 5 minutes just to get up the bloody stairs and it is bloody hard work. I hate being in this situation. I hate being in plaster but it is better than the splint as it does help the pain some. Not loads but some. I am sick of this already and I have to wait until May 13th for Phsyio. I am hoping they take the cast off then. Well that's if it has stopped hurting as much. If it's still as painful they'll need to leave the cast on, So I hope it is better by then so the cast can come off.
I am so pissed off at all of this.
Monday, 2 May 2011
Saturday, 30 April 2011
The Story
This will probably not make much sense or not flow properly as I don't have the concentration and I am in pain and also knackered from the pain killers...
So Friday night...
I was on a mission. Actually I wasn't but the girls are saying I was. I went round to one of the girls houses for a BBQ. I took two bottles of wine with me and drank them both in about 4 hours. I wasn't feeling that pissed at all really. After I finished the wine I decided I wanted more. The girls were laughing at me as they said they couldn't believe I had had 2 bottles of wine as I didn't seem that pissed. So I decided to walk to the shop. I remember walking to the shop really clearly and I wasn't that pissed. I took the wine back to my friends and that's when it starts to go a bit hazy. I remember in my drunken state I was telling then about my mentally interestingness. I finished the 3rd bottle of wine.
At some point they decided to go in to town. I said I wanted to go. I can't remember much from this point it was really hazy. What I remember is having a drink in Revolution. Leaving there and falling over and then the pain! What happened was. My friend swapped my drink that I brought for a coke and I couldn't tell. I then locked myself in the toilet. I then locked myself and 2 friends in the toilet and wouldn't let them leave. After they negotiated with me to leave and I agreed the bouncers dragged me out through the bar and dumped me in the street. My friends were trying to calm me down as I was angry and wouldn't let anyone near me. I then ran off from them. It was through running off I fell over. I remember the pain. I have a vague recollection of a Street Angel person. My friends called an ambulance as I couldn't get up at all as it was that painful. It did sober me up a bit. I don't remember much of the ambulance journey other than pain.
In A+E they gave me some painkillers. 5 minutes later I threw them up. Dihydrocodeine does not agree with me. It always makes me sick. I wasn't aware they had given it to me until after when I was throwing up, nice.
They sent me for x-ray which made me scream out in pain. They had to manipulate my foot so they could get the right angles for the x-ray. Ow ow ow! I was then seen by an orthopaedic doctor. He informed me that it was broken and that I needed to be kept in. I said can't you just cast it and let me go. He laughed at me and said you can't put any weight at all on it, you can't stand it being touched, in a word no! He said he was referring me to the surgeons as they would need to review it and I would possibly need to have surgery.
Then Bitch Nurse came in. She wasn't even my nurse or working in my area. She was just being nosy. She came in asked what I had taken. She had the most sour look on her face. She hardly gave me chance to get my reply out before making another snidy comment. I just said I had fallen over while wearing heels and I had broken my foot. Then she said I bet you were pissed. Her attitude just stank. I really don't like her. I have made that pretty obvious before though haven't I?
Anyway. By now I was sober. The pain and being sick kinda helped that along. I was taken up to the ward. I was dreading it. I was just glad I wasn't put on one of the admission wards where the staff know me. I was pleasantly surprised (as pleasantly as you can be when it comes to hospitals) at how quiet the ward was. Yay. No coffin dodgers for me. By now I had asked for more pain relief as the codeine had made me sick and I hadn't had anything else. So they gave me morphine. 20mg. That didn't really work all that well either so an hour later they gave me 20mg more and that did work. I didn't really get any sleep though. The surgeon came to see me at about 7.30am and he said I didn't need surgery. Yay! So I was expecting to be let out. Nope. The physiotherapists came to see me and made me have a go on crutches. I could not use them. I couldn't get more than 2 steps. So they said I was unsafe on them and they wouldn't be letting me go. So night 2 in hospital. Also that day I was still feeling really sick. I ended up being sick a couple of times. The second time there was loads of blood in it. It worried me. I wasn't going to tell them I swallowed a needle a few weeks before either. They rushed around me a bit panicking, took my obs and beeped the doctor to come see me. She didn't seem all that worried. Just said it was probably from retching that had caused a small tear.
On the 3rd day the physios came to see me again. This time they made me use the zimmer frame and took the crutches away. I didn't feel all that safe on those. They also made me attempt going upstairs on crutches. It was terrifying. I think a lot of it was fear but I could just not hop up the stairs while using a crutch as support and while holding on to a banister. So on to my bum. I managed to get up the stairs ok but when I got to the top I couldn't get up. Because of the needle in my arm the angle my arm needed to be at to push myself up I couldn't do it. So...not going home again.
That night I fell over. It was so embarrassing. I was coming back from the loo on the zimmer frame and I went a bit weird on it and ended up crashing to the ground. No one saw me as I was around a corner. I didn't have a bell near me and it was quite late at night. So I had to shout out. All of a sudden there were about 6 nurses surrounding me asking me loads of questions. I just said I had stumbled and it was no big deal but I couldn't get up. Not being of the petite variety I didn't want people lifting me. I had cut my knee open where I had landed on it (it was from where fell off motorbike last year and I always seem to manage to get that and cut open when I fall). So I couldn't get on to my good knee on the hospital floor. In the end they passed it up for me, got me some towels and I managed to push up on the frame using my good leg and my arms. I nearly broke my other ankle in the process as it bent with the top of my foot being on the floor and me putting weight through it. Ow! Lol. Wheelchair back to bed loads of obs taken and more morphine.
Monday morning...more physio. They kept trying for me to put weight through my foot but there was no way I could do it. They kept telling me I needed to get my foot to the floor so the blood can flow it will heal. There is just no way I could manage it. I did manage to get up when I got to the top of the stairs. I figued out that if I turned round on to my knee I could pull my self forwards, so yay...stairs managed. The doctors came to see me and said my leg needed to be put in a cast and not in a splint. For the type of fracture it is you can usually get away with a splint that can be removed, good for showered. But it didn't really give me enough support. I had been asking for a cast all along as the first night I was in, although it hurt it was more supported and I felt more confident with it. However, they said I should not be wearing a cast as of the way the injury will heal any my foot could end up with no mobility if that was the case. But, the sister on the ward noticed my foot was in a weird position. It was pointing down like in a ballerina pose. I couldn't hold it back at all. It was far too painful. So then they said that if my foot dropped like that then I would really struggle to walk once healed as I wouldn't be able to put my foot to the floor. My achillies would have also shortened and it would be like I have always worn heels and never wore flats. If that makes sense. So they said the risks of it healing in an odd position were not as high as it not being in a cast and it heeling in ballerina position. So cast it was.
Cue, a hell of a lot of pain. Someone had to manipulate my foot into position and hold it there while the other put it in a cast.
On Tuesday (the 4th day) I was allowed to go home. I was given the option. I was told I could stay if I wanted but also if I could arrange transport home I could go. I asked if I would be able to take the same painkillers home and they said I could so I decided to go home.
Being at home is better in a way and not in another. I have stairs to contend with her and they are not easy. They are not just straight up and take a couple of turns so getting up them is just knackering. I wake in the night in loads of pain and am having to medicate in the night. I am not liking being on the morphine as is making me knackered and spaced out.
Being at home is frustrating. I am having to rely on parents to do everything for me. I can't even get myself a drink and have it in living room as I can't carry it through. Same with food. I can't go to the shop as I can't drive and I am useless on crutches. I still can't weight bare on my foot and if I do it hurts at the time but also after and it's more of an ongoing pain.
Then there's the problems this could cause with uni with missing time. I am so annoyed at myself, at the situation and I am just miserable and angry. I don't want to be stuck in the house. My friends don't live near by and can't drive so they can't come visit. It's so frustrating. I want to go back to work on Tuesday but my uni tutor has told me I am not to go back until I can confidently get up and down stairs and so I am not spaced out on drugs. I wanna go back but I can see her point. I can't get up and down the stairs of the building I am based in. And I fall asleep constantly as of the drugs. So I am screwed. And it's all my fault!!!!
So Friday night...
I was on a mission. Actually I wasn't but the girls are saying I was. I went round to one of the girls houses for a BBQ. I took two bottles of wine with me and drank them both in about 4 hours. I wasn't feeling that pissed at all really. After I finished the wine I decided I wanted more. The girls were laughing at me as they said they couldn't believe I had had 2 bottles of wine as I didn't seem that pissed. So I decided to walk to the shop. I remember walking to the shop really clearly and I wasn't that pissed. I took the wine back to my friends and that's when it starts to go a bit hazy. I remember in my drunken state I was telling then about my mentally interestingness. I finished the 3rd bottle of wine.
At some point they decided to go in to town. I said I wanted to go. I can't remember much from this point it was really hazy. What I remember is having a drink in Revolution. Leaving there and falling over and then the pain! What happened was. My friend swapped my drink that I brought for a coke and I couldn't tell. I then locked myself in the toilet. I then locked myself and 2 friends in the toilet and wouldn't let them leave. After they negotiated with me to leave and I agreed the bouncers dragged me out through the bar and dumped me in the street. My friends were trying to calm me down as I was angry and wouldn't let anyone near me. I then ran off from them. It was through running off I fell over. I remember the pain. I have a vague recollection of a Street Angel person. My friends called an ambulance as I couldn't get up at all as it was that painful. It did sober me up a bit. I don't remember much of the ambulance journey other than pain.
In A+E they gave me some painkillers. 5 minutes later I threw them up. Dihydrocodeine does not agree with me. It always makes me sick. I wasn't aware they had given it to me until after when I was throwing up, nice.
They sent me for x-ray which made me scream out in pain. They had to manipulate my foot so they could get the right angles for the x-ray. Ow ow ow! I was then seen by an orthopaedic doctor. He informed me that it was broken and that I needed to be kept in. I said can't you just cast it and let me go. He laughed at me and said you can't put any weight at all on it, you can't stand it being touched, in a word no! He said he was referring me to the surgeons as they would need to review it and I would possibly need to have surgery.
Then Bitch Nurse came in. She wasn't even my nurse or working in my area. She was just being nosy. She came in asked what I had taken. She had the most sour look on her face. She hardly gave me chance to get my reply out before making another snidy comment. I just said I had fallen over while wearing heels and I had broken my foot. Then she said I bet you were pissed. Her attitude just stank. I really don't like her. I have made that pretty obvious before though haven't I?
Anyway. By now I was sober. The pain and being sick kinda helped that along. I was taken up to the ward. I was dreading it. I was just glad I wasn't put on one of the admission wards where the staff know me. I was pleasantly surprised (as pleasantly as you can be when it comes to hospitals) at how quiet the ward was. Yay. No coffin dodgers for me. By now I had asked for more pain relief as the codeine had made me sick and I hadn't had anything else. So they gave me morphine. 20mg. That didn't really work all that well either so an hour later they gave me 20mg more and that did work. I didn't really get any sleep though. The surgeon came to see me at about 7.30am and he said I didn't need surgery. Yay! So I was expecting to be let out. Nope. The physiotherapists came to see me and made me have a go on crutches. I could not use them. I couldn't get more than 2 steps. So they said I was unsafe on them and they wouldn't be letting me go. So night 2 in hospital. Also that day I was still feeling really sick. I ended up being sick a couple of times. The second time there was loads of blood in it. It worried me. I wasn't going to tell them I swallowed a needle a few weeks before either. They rushed around me a bit panicking, took my obs and beeped the doctor to come see me. She didn't seem all that worried. Just said it was probably from retching that had caused a small tear.
On the 3rd day the physios came to see me again. This time they made me use the zimmer frame and took the crutches away. I didn't feel all that safe on those. They also made me attempt going upstairs on crutches. It was terrifying. I think a lot of it was fear but I could just not hop up the stairs while using a crutch as support and while holding on to a banister. So on to my bum. I managed to get up the stairs ok but when I got to the top I couldn't get up. Because of the needle in my arm the angle my arm needed to be at to push myself up I couldn't do it. So...not going home again.
That night I fell over. It was so embarrassing. I was coming back from the loo on the zimmer frame and I went a bit weird on it and ended up crashing to the ground. No one saw me as I was around a corner. I didn't have a bell near me and it was quite late at night. So I had to shout out. All of a sudden there were about 6 nurses surrounding me asking me loads of questions. I just said I had stumbled and it was no big deal but I couldn't get up. Not being of the petite variety I didn't want people lifting me. I had cut my knee open where I had landed on it (it was from where fell off motorbike last year and I always seem to manage to get that and cut open when I fall). So I couldn't get on to my good knee on the hospital floor. In the end they passed it up for me, got me some towels and I managed to push up on the frame using my good leg and my arms. I nearly broke my other ankle in the process as it bent with the top of my foot being on the floor and me putting weight through it. Ow! Lol. Wheelchair back to bed loads of obs taken and more morphine.
Monday morning...more physio. They kept trying for me to put weight through my foot but there was no way I could do it. They kept telling me I needed to get my foot to the floor so the blood can flow it will heal. There is just no way I could manage it. I did manage to get up when I got to the top of the stairs. I figued out that if I turned round on to my knee I could pull my self forwards, so yay...stairs managed. The doctors came to see me and said my leg needed to be put in a cast and not in a splint. For the type of fracture it is you can usually get away with a splint that can be removed, good for showered. But it didn't really give me enough support. I had been asking for a cast all along as the first night I was in, although it hurt it was more supported and I felt more confident with it. However, they said I should not be wearing a cast as of the way the injury will heal any my foot could end up with no mobility if that was the case. But, the sister on the ward noticed my foot was in a weird position. It was pointing down like in a ballerina pose. I couldn't hold it back at all. It was far too painful. So then they said that if my foot dropped like that then I would really struggle to walk once healed as I wouldn't be able to put my foot to the floor. My achillies would have also shortened and it would be like I have always worn heels and never wore flats. If that makes sense. So they said the risks of it healing in an odd position were not as high as it not being in a cast and it heeling in ballerina position. So cast it was.
Cue, a hell of a lot of pain. Someone had to manipulate my foot into position and hold it there while the other put it in a cast.
On Tuesday (the 4th day) I was allowed to go home. I was given the option. I was told I could stay if I wanted but also if I could arrange transport home I could go. I asked if I would be able to take the same painkillers home and they said I could so I decided to go home.
Being at home is better in a way and not in another. I have stairs to contend with her and they are not easy. They are not just straight up and take a couple of turns so getting up them is just knackering. I wake in the night in loads of pain and am having to medicate in the night. I am not liking being on the morphine as is making me knackered and spaced out.
Being at home is frustrating. I am having to rely on parents to do everything for me. I can't even get myself a drink and have it in living room as I can't carry it through. Same with food. I can't go to the shop as I can't drive and I am useless on crutches. I still can't weight bare on my foot and if I do it hurts at the time but also after and it's more of an ongoing pain.
Then there's the problems this could cause with uni with missing time. I am so annoyed at myself, at the situation and I am just miserable and angry. I don't want to be stuck in the house. My friends don't live near by and can't drive so they can't come visit. It's so frustrating. I want to go back to work on Tuesday but my uni tutor has told me I am not to go back until I can confidently get up and down stairs and so I am not spaced out on drugs. I wanna go back but I can see her point. I can't get up and down the stairs of the building I am based in. And I fall asleep constantly as of the drugs. So I am screwed. And it's all my fault!!!!
Wednesday, 27 April 2011
Scatty.
I am really not with it. It's probably something to do with the 10mg of morphine I take every couple of hours. And on top of this the 60mg of dihydrocodeine every 4 hours.
When I can't concentrate on one thing anyway, the drugs make it a hell of a lot harder. I am having this week off placement and I hope by Tuesday I will not be relying on the morphine and I can go back to placement. I won't be able drive to see clients but at least I will be in the office.
I am blaming myself for all of this. If I hadn't have been totally paralytic then it wouldn't have happened. I drank far too much. I was on a mission to get wrecked. I had had 3 bottles of wine before leaving the house. My friends have had a go at me saying I was too pissed. I am embarrassed by my behaviour. In doing what I am doing there are certain codes of conducts that need to be followed. Even when not in work/placement. Well I kinda blew those out the window didn't I?!
I'm really not that with it at the moment. The pain killers are spacing me out. Not had any hallucinations or anything like that. Well I don't think so anyway. LOL.
Hopefully as time goes on I will be less reliant on the mega strong pain killers and I will be able to regain my coherence. I still want to write about what actually happened and more about my experiences in hospital.
xx
When I can't concentrate on one thing anyway, the drugs make it a hell of a lot harder. I am having this week off placement and I hope by Tuesday I will not be relying on the morphine and I can go back to placement. I won't be able drive to see clients but at least I will be in the office.
I am blaming myself for all of this. If I hadn't have been totally paralytic then it wouldn't have happened. I drank far too much. I was on a mission to get wrecked. I had had 3 bottles of wine before leaving the house. My friends have had a go at me saying I was too pissed. I am embarrassed by my behaviour. In doing what I am doing there are certain codes of conducts that need to be followed. Even when not in work/placement. Well I kinda blew those out the window didn't I?!
I'm really not that with it at the moment. The pain killers are spacing me out. Not had any hallucinations or anything like that. Well I don't think so anyway. LOL.
Hopefully as time goes on I will be less reliant on the mega strong pain killers and I will be able to regain my coherence. I still want to write about what actually happened and more about my experiences in hospital.
xx
Tuesday, 26 April 2011
Home
I am home from the hospital. They ended up putting a cast on my leg rather than the splint as my foot was dropping and they needed to set it so I don't end up with my toes pointing down.
Being home is a LOT harder than I thought. Getting up stairs was a nightmare. At the hospital they seem to be wider and steeper where as at home they are not that steep so to go up on your bum it's harder as you haven't got the leverage on only one step below you and 2 steps is too far.
They have sent me home with morphine, paracetamol, dihydrocodeine, ibrupefen, quetiapine, and a few more bits. I can't believe they sent me home with morphine. First thing I did. Look it up in overdose. I don't think I have enough so that it would be painless and quick. So no point. Also, I need it for pain relief.
I am kind of spaced out on the painkillers at the moment so I will write a proper post tomorrow once I have had some sleep. I am also feeling mega sick.
Bucket is next to my bed!
Being home is a LOT harder than I thought. Getting up stairs was a nightmare. At the hospital they seem to be wider and steeper where as at home they are not that steep so to go up on your bum it's harder as you haven't got the leverage on only one step below you and 2 steps is too far.
They have sent me home with morphine, paracetamol, dihydrocodeine, ibrupefen, quetiapine, and a few more bits. I can't believe they sent me home with morphine. First thing I did. Look it up in overdose. I don't think I have enough so that it would be painless and quick. So no point. Also, I need it for pain relief.
I am kind of spaced out on the painkillers at the moment so I will write a proper post tomorrow once I have had some sleep. I am also feeling mega sick.
Bucket is next to my bed!
Invalid
Still in the hospital. I am not sure when I'll be out. I think falling over last night probably wont help me. I've now been told i'm not to get out the bed unless someone is around. It's cos i'm crap at walking and i'm an invalid. The pain killers I'm on make me feel sick which means i don't even get any pleasure from meal times.
So basically I'm thoughly miserable.
I'm obviously worried about my course. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping I can just make these missed days up. What's worse is it's my own fault. I went and got hammered. My behaviour wss awful. I know I've got a lot of shit kicking off, but after my recent problems with uni you would have thought I would have not screwed like I did. It is all my fault.
I've been filled in from my friends about what happened. It's embarrassing. The worst thing is is that it's not the first time. My friends have had a go at me saying it's clearly obvious I'm running away from what ever is going off. I don't think that i am. They also had a go at me about how much I had to drink (it was 3 bottles of wine at 13percent) and being on strong medication.
So I screwed up. I went out with the intention of getting pissed. I suppose in a way I am lucky. I wasn't arrested. I didn't try and kill myself. And i was with friends who have seen me like that before. What if i wasn't. I'm stupid. I'm hyper. I'm not in the best way to be confined to a bed. I don't know what to do with myself.
Xxxxx
So basically I'm thoughly miserable.
I'm obviously worried about my course. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping I can just make these missed days up. What's worse is it's my own fault. I went and got hammered. My behaviour wss awful. I know I've got a lot of shit kicking off, but after my recent problems with uni you would have thought I would have not screwed like I did. It is all my fault.
I've been filled in from my friends about what happened. It's embarrassing. The worst thing is is that it's not the first time. My friends have had a go at me saying it's clearly obvious I'm running away from what ever is going off. I don't think that i am. They also had a go at me about how much I had to drink (it was 3 bottles of wine at 13percent) and being on strong medication.
So I screwed up. I went out with the intention of getting pissed. I suppose in a way I am lucky. I wasn't arrested. I didn't try and kill myself. And i was with friends who have seen me like that before. What if i wasn't. I'm stupid. I'm hyper. I'm not in the best way to be confined to a bed. I don't know what to do with myself.
Xxxxx
Monday, 25 April 2011
Hospital Again.
As I write this I am laying on a hospital bed. I've been in since Friday night. I've broken my foot. Got drunk. Fell over broke foot. Bit more to it. My behaviour was at fault. But I'll write a proper post once I'm home and got my lap top. So after all I've done to stay on course. I've fucked it by having a broken foot.
Friday, 22 April 2011
The Past
I had a bit of a sort out today. Not much. Well it was just one box that has been on the landing for the last week that my Mum has been having a go at me to sort out.
I found some interesting things from the past. Got quite nostalgic about things. Some of the things brought up some memories from when I was with Gom. Like the odd receipt, photo and a couple of bits that he brought me. Including the Paul Frank Julius wallet. He got it in in Australia and I loved it. I wont throw it away as I still like it but it's note something I would now use. I've not used it in about 2 years but there were 2 condoms in there. In date also. Lol. Speaking of condoms I was going through a drawer the other week and found loads of out of date ones. I don't have need for them though. The last time I slept with anyone was August 7th last year. I can actually remember the date. The only reason I remember it though is because it was the night before I was going on holiday. I brought a guy back to my house and he would just not go. I saw him a few times after and we got on well but I didn't want to start a relationship after picking him up drunkenly in town. We saw each other a few times and I did really like him. But then I started self harming again quite badly and things got bad so I didn't want to start a relationship with any one.
I've not cut in ages. But I am still using blood letting and regularly. I still don't get the fuss Dr T and Sam make over it. It's safer than me cutting. I have more control over it. I don't see it as dangerous. They are making a right fuss over it. But. I feel while I am like this I don't have time for a new relationship. I can't be bothered with being in a relationship either. I can't be bothered with putting the effort in. That's quite bad really isn't it?
Cleaning out that box got me thinking about the past. Have you seen that programme Being Erica? I love it. She gets to go back in time and try and change her regrets. I wonder what I would do if I had the opportunity. Would I have met Gom. Not all the relationship was bad. We did so much together and I feel if it wasn't for him then I wouldn't have done half the stuff I have done. By this I mean like going travelling etc. I wonder if I would have had my MH problems. I probably would have done. I can't blame them on him. I wonder if I would have gone about them in different ways. I wonder about where I would be?
I would also go back and not have taken the money. I think if that was the case I wouldn't have met Gom. Reason be is we moved house after, I got a job in a local pub and it was through going out with the girls from the pub that summer night I met Gom in a club. So if no job at the pub, no night out, no meeting Gom. Without Gom, I am not sure if I would have ever gone travelling. I probably would have done. But in a way I was lucky with Gom. I was crap with money, he was good. So he sorted a lot of things out making it possible. So really I have to think, was/is the heartache from the break up that much that I would take away the experiences I have had. I think about it and I think probably not. I can't attribute the relationship to the way things are now. Also I started self harming and the first suicide attempts were when things were going well in our relationship so I can't attribute it to that can I?
I was having a conversation with Raq the other night about the past and friends. We were saying out some of our friends seem to be stuck in the past in teenage years. They are childish and get annoyed when "the group" breaks off and do things as 2's, 3's and 4's. There are 8 in my "group". 4 of us went to school together, 3 of the others went to school together and the other one is a tag on that one of them met through work at a pub and then uni and they lived together. We have one lawyer, one teacher, one doctors PA, an accountant (nearly anyway), council worker, 2 recruitment agents, and me the eternal student. It's the lawyer and teacher that are the most childish when it comes to friendships within the group and have expectations of each of us. I was saying to Raq that we are friends we shouldn't have to live up to each others expectations. As friends you are friends because you want to be. If you are setting expectations on each other what does that say. if my friends screw up it doesn't matter. If they do it on purpose then it's different. But Miss Lawyer sets all these expectations and gets so pissed off and mardy should they not be met. Bit hypocritical really considering she went off with Miss Doctors PA's ex. Not juse an ex but an ex she was crazy about and was treated like shit by!!!! You just don't do that. And then Miss Lawyer had the cheek to be pissed off at Miss DPA as she was angry and upset.
That's just one example. But it's a constant thing. All the time. I don't like big group things when it is just the group as you can guarantee there will always be arguments. Always some snidy bitching behind someones back. I try and keep out of it. But it bloody annoys me. Big style!
It's like they want it to be like we are 16 again. We all didn't have commitments when we were 16. We were all pretty much in the same boat. But now some of us don't even live in the same city, some are in long term relationships, some own houses, some earn peanuts while others earn quite a lot. Raq said she wants to cut Miss Teacher out her life. She really doesn't like her anymore. But she struggles to cut her out when Miss T has connections to others in the group and hasn't seen how out of order she is to Raq. So what do you do. Cut out everyone? She said she has considered it but then feels bad as Miss Recruitments' haven't done anything wrong. Only still having contact with Miss Teacher.
It annoys me as these people have done quite well in life and I wonder how the hell they have when they are like they are. It pisses me off that they have been so successful when they are like they are.
But, saying all that, other than Miss Teacher and Miss Lawyer I care a lot about the rest of them. Even if it can be childish at times. I am seeing them all later for drinks and food and I am looking forward to it.
But that may be another whole blog....
x
I found some interesting things from the past. Got quite nostalgic about things. Some of the things brought up some memories from when I was with Gom. Like the odd receipt, photo and a couple of bits that he brought me. Including the Paul Frank Julius wallet. He got it in in Australia and I loved it. I wont throw it away as I still like it but it's note something I would now use. I've not used it in about 2 years but there were 2 condoms in there. In date also. Lol. Speaking of condoms I was going through a drawer the other week and found loads of out of date ones. I don't have need for them though. The last time I slept with anyone was August 7th last year. I can actually remember the date. The only reason I remember it though is because it was the night before I was going on holiday. I brought a guy back to my house and he would just not go. I saw him a few times after and we got on well but I didn't want to start a relationship after picking him up drunkenly in town. We saw each other a few times and I did really like him. But then I started self harming again quite badly and things got bad so I didn't want to start a relationship with any one.
I've not cut in ages. But I am still using blood letting and regularly. I still don't get the fuss Dr T and Sam make over it. It's safer than me cutting. I have more control over it. I don't see it as dangerous. They are making a right fuss over it. But. I feel while I am like this I don't have time for a new relationship. I can't be bothered with being in a relationship either. I can't be bothered with putting the effort in. That's quite bad really isn't it?
Cleaning out that box got me thinking about the past. Have you seen that programme Being Erica? I love it. She gets to go back in time and try and change her regrets. I wonder what I would do if I had the opportunity. Would I have met Gom. Not all the relationship was bad. We did so much together and I feel if it wasn't for him then I wouldn't have done half the stuff I have done. By this I mean like going travelling etc. I wonder if I would have had my MH problems. I probably would have done. I can't blame them on him. I wonder if I would have gone about them in different ways. I wonder about where I would be?
I would also go back and not have taken the money. I think if that was the case I wouldn't have met Gom. Reason be is we moved house after, I got a job in a local pub and it was through going out with the girls from the pub that summer night I met Gom in a club. So if no job at the pub, no night out, no meeting Gom. Without Gom, I am not sure if I would have ever gone travelling. I probably would have done. But in a way I was lucky with Gom. I was crap with money, he was good. So he sorted a lot of things out making it possible. So really I have to think, was/is the heartache from the break up that much that I would take away the experiences I have had. I think about it and I think probably not. I can't attribute the relationship to the way things are now. Also I started self harming and the first suicide attempts were when things were going well in our relationship so I can't attribute it to that can I?
I was having a conversation with Raq the other night about the past and friends. We were saying out some of our friends seem to be stuck in the past in teenage years. They are childish and get annoyed when "the group" breaks off and do things as 2's, 3's and 4's. There are 8 in my "group". 4 of us went to school together, 3 of the others went to school together and the other one is a tag on that one of them met through work at a pub and then uni and they lived together. We have one lawyer, one teacher, one doctors PA, an accountant (nearly anyway), council worker, 2 recruitment agents, and me the eternal student. It's the lawyer and teacher that are the most childish when it comes to friendships within the group and have expectations of each of us. I was saying to Raq that we are friends we shouldn't have to live up to each others expectations. As friends you are friends because you want to be. If you are setting expectations on each other what does that say. if my friends screw up it doesn't matter. If they do it on purpose then it's different. But Miss Lawyer sets all these expectations and gets so pissed off and mardy should they not be met. Bit hypocritical really considering she went off with Miss Doctors PA's ex. Not juse an ex but an ex she was crazy about and was treated like shit by!!!! You just don't do that. And then Miss Lawyer had the cheek to be pissed off at Miss DPA as she was angry and upset.
That's just one example. But it's a constant thing. All the time. I don't like big group things when it is just the group as you can guarantee there will always be arguments. Always some snidy bitching behind someones back. I try and keep out of it. But it bloody annoys me. Big style!
It's like they want it to be like we are 16 again. We all didn't have commitments when we were 16. We were all pretty much in the same boat. But now some of us don't even live in the same city, some are in long term relationships, some own houses, some earn peanuts while others earn quite a lot. Raq said she wants to cut Miss Teacher out her life. She really doesn't like her anymore. But she struggles to cut her out when Miss T has connections to others in the group and hasn't seen how out of order she is to Raq. So what do you do. Cut out everyone? She said she has considered it but then feels bad as Miss Recruitments' haven't done anything wrong. Only still having contact with Miss Teacher.
It annoys me as these people have done quite well in life and I wonder how the hell they have when they are like they are. It pisses me off that they have been so successful when they are like they are.
But, saying all that, other than Miss Teacher and Miss Lawyer I care a lot about the rest of them. Even if it can be childish at times. I am seeing them all later for drinks and food and I am looking forward to it.
But that may be another whole blog....
x
Thursday, 21 April 2011
High Blood Pressure.
I had to go get my BP checked today as I am taking the pill for PCOS. It was not good. 166/105. Too high. Much too high. I don't understand it. I think it's the situation I am in and getting false results. When I have been in hospital my BP has always been pretty average at around 115/70. Yet when I go to get it checked specifically I am getting high results.
I am quite worried about it as the pill works. That combined with the Metformin XR. It seems to be controlling it and I am happy with the way it works and I have the bonus of contraception. OK. I am not in a relationship. But I have been known to have been a little silly and have one night stands. Have one night stands and not use protection. I know stupid. I have been checked for STI's though and all is ok. I don't make a habit of ONS'. While travelling there were 3. One (I think) of whom was unprotected. I am almost sure I used protection with the other 2. With the last guy I def did as he went out to get them. But the first guy I have a vague recollection of using a plastic bag to pick up the condom after. But there was only one and I think we did it more than once. And. Latin American guys do not live up to their reputation of being good lovers.
Anyway. By the by I got checked when I got back and I am ok on the STI front.
But, it does worry me. I have done it before. Will I do it again. I know there is the morning after pill but I don't wanna do the walk of shame. I don't plan on having unprotected sex in the near future. But I like being on the pill. I really don't want to come off it. So I am worrying about it now. I don't want the coil again as there is no way I can go through that pain again. And. It made me really heavy. I like how the pill works.
I am thinking about asking my Doc for some diet pills on prescription. I want to lose weight and I know that being over weight does not help the symptoms of PCOS. Also it is one of those things that get me down also. I have written about it before. On a good note though...I have lost around 10kg, or about a stone and a half in the last year without even trying. I can't afford to join a gym. And I don't have time. I also get bored really quickly. I would like to start playing badminton again but I can't while I have the needle in my arm as it bloody hurts. I have 2 friends who will do it with me so means I can play 2x a week. I have tried so many times to lose weight before and I have failed or I have put it back on. I have tried weight watchers and slimming world but I lose motivation really quickly.
I was thinking next time I go I would ask him if I could have some pills or something. I'll try and argue my point by saying I know it's expensive now but surly in the long run it may be better for me and will save costs. Depends if my surgery subscribe to the same spend money now save it later theory that I do.
Mentally. I am still pretty much the same. I was wondering if the way I was could impact my BP. I mentioned it to the nurse and she didn't really say much. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling anxious. I don't know how to describe it. I was sort of hoping she would make me see the doc today and I could get me some benzos see if that would bring me down a bit. I hope it's just a matter of snapping out of it all of a sudden should I take some magic wonder drug. I like medication. You can probably tell. I have written about it before. If I can take medication, it's medical therefore I can stop blaming myself or I can attribute it to other things that are not behavioural.
I think I have decided to go down the Adults route. I was speaking to a Social Worker today on the phone. I was talking to her about my choices and that I was currently on placement. We then had a lengthy discussion on how the eligibility criteria of providing care is being raised in all councils. Currently the law states that if I person is assessed as needing and eligible for a service the local authority has to provide it. We were saying about how a people are not getting worse and worse before they meet the criteria. Also how people who previously met it and were receiving services are now having their services withdrawn as the eligibility criteria is rising and so they are now longer eligible. That's the government for you.
I think I have decided I am going to vote Labour come May 5th. Not that it will change national government but it will impact on what group run the local council. I have always seen myself until recently as being quite a Conservative person. But. I think I was led by my parents and what they said. For them being wealthy business people it is better for them. But for me now, not just in what I am going in to but because I have seen how the cuts are drastically effecting people, I think Labour would be better. But. I do have concerns around it as I wonder if a different government would have got in to do much debt and have let the bankers continue as they were?
Enough politics, as I don't really know what the hell I am going on about.
I've got a nice massage, manicure and facial booked in for the same day as my appointment with Dr T. Sam is coming with me to the appointment with him. I don't really know what to say about how things have been. As, in a way I am feeling not as depressed. I am happier. But I am niggled by people's comments saying it's mania, hypomania etc. I know things aren't quite right at the moment. I want my concentration back. In a way I would rather be lower in mood and be able to concentrate and focus and not have a kabillion (yeah I know it's a made up number but it's bigger than a million and a billion and no it's not a trillion) thoughts going through my head at the same time. OK when I think a hell of a lot more, well, it's all the time nearly, of suicide. That worries me. Am I likely to act on it. Also I have it where I am having the suicidal thoughts but they are coming in at a kabillion mph. What happens when I can't control it. I think maybe, I am not sure if I am just low I have more control. Things are slow. When I am like this I don't have control. It does scare me as I am worried I will flip from being hyper to being massively suicidal. So what is for the best really?????
Help!!!!!
I am quite worried about it as the pill works. That combined with the Metformin XR. It seems to be controlling it and I am happy with the way it works and I have the bonus of contraception. OK. I am not in a relationship. But I have been known to have been a little silly and have one night stands. Have one night stands and not use protection. I know stupid. I have been checked for STI's though and all is ok. I don't make a habit of ONS'. While travelling there were 3. One (I think) of whom was unprotected. I am almost sure I used protection with the other 2. With the last guy I def did as he went out to get them. But the first guy I have a vague recollection of using a plastic bag to pick up the condom after. But there was only one and I think we did it more than once. And. Latin American guys do not live up to their reputation of being good lovers.
Anyway. By the by I got checked when I got back and I am ok on the STI front.
But, it does worry me. I have done it before. Will I do it again. I know there is the morning after pill but I don't wanna do the walk of shame. I don't plan on having unprotected sex in the near future. But I like being on the pill. I really don't want to come off it. So I am worrying about it now. I don't want the coil again as there is no way I can go through that pain again. And. It made me really heavy. I like how the pill works.
I am thinking about asking my Doc for some diet pills on prescription. I want to lose weight and I know that being over weight does not help the symptoms of PCOS. Also it is one of those things that get me down also. I have written about it before. On a good note though...I have lost around 10kg, or about a stone and a half in the last year without even trying. I can't afford to join a gym. And I don't have time. I also get bored really quickly. I would like to start playing badminton again but I can't while I have the needle in my arm as it bloody hurts. I have 2 friends who will do it with me so means I can play 2x a week. I have tried so many times to lose weight before and I have failed or I have put it back on. I have tried weight watchers and slimming world but I lose motivation really quickly.
I was thinking next time I go I would ask him if I could have some pills or something. I'll try and argue my point by saying I know it's expensive now but surly in the long run it may be better for me and will save costs. Depends if my surgery subscribe to the same spend money now save it later theory that I do.
Mentally. I am still pretty much the same. I was wondering if the way I was could impact my BP. I mentioned it to the nurse and she didn't really say much. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling anxious. I don't know how to describe it. I was sort of hoping she would make me see the doc today and I could get me some benzos see if that would bring me down a bit. I hope it's just a matter of snapping out of it all of a sudden should I take some magic wonder drug. I like medication. You can probably tell. I have written about it before. If I can take medication, it's medical therefore I can stop blaming myself or I can attribute it to other things that are not behavioural.
I think I have decided to go down the Adults route. I was speaking to a Social Worker today on the phone. I was talking to her about my choices and that I was currently on placement. We then had a lengthy discussion on how the eligibility criteria of providing care is being raised in all councils. Currently the law states that if I person is assessed as needing and eligible for a service the local authority has to provide it. We were saying about how a people are not getting worse and worse before they meet the criteria. Also how people who previously met it and were receiving services are now having their services withdrawn as the eligibility criteria is rising and so they are now longer eligible. That's the government for you.
I think I have decided I am going to vote Labour come May 5th. Not that it will change national government but it will impact on what group run the local council. I have always seen myself until recently as being quite a Conservative person. But. I think I was led by my parents and what they said. For them being wealthy business people it is better for them. But for me now, not just in what I am going in to but because I have seen how the cuts are drastically effecting people, I think Labour would be better. But. I do have concerns around it as I wonder if a different government would have got in to do much debt and have let the bankers continue as they were?
Enough politics, as I don't really know what the hell I am going on about.
I've got a nice massage, manicure and facial booked in for the same day as my appointment with Dr T. Sam is coming with me to the appointment with him. I don't really know what to say about how things have been. As, in a way I am feeling not as depressed. I am happier. But I am niggled by people's comments saying it's mania, hypomania etc. I know things aren't quite right at the moment. I want my concentration back. In a way I would rather be lower in mood and be able to concentrate and focus and not have a kabillion (yeah I know it's a made up number but it's bigger than a million and a billion and no it's not a trillion) thoughts going through my head at the same time. OK when I think a hell of a lot more, well, it's all the time nearly, of suicide. That worries me. Am I likely to act on it. Also I have it where I am having the suicidal thoughts but they are coming in at a kabillion mph. What happens when I can't control it. I think maybe, I am not sure if I am just low I have more control. Things are slow. When I am like this I don't have control. It does scare me as I am worried I will flip from being hyper to being massively suicidal. So what is for the best really?????
Help!!!!!
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Concentration
I am having massive problems with concentration over the past few days. It's really bugging me. I can't function. I am struggling at work as I can't concentrate on a task. I am also starting to proper freak about uni work as I have soooo much to do in the next 6 weeks and I can't bloody focus.
I am getting more and more stressed as I can't focus which is making my concentration even worse. I am stuck in a vicious circle. I can't even sit and watch a tv programme as my concentration span is less than 5 minutes. I have fallen behind on reading blogs as I just sit looking at the words as though they are a foreign language.
I've gotta see the nurse tomorrow to have my BP taken as last time I went to GP it was high and can't be high to be on the pill. Do I mention it to her. Is there any drugs out there legal (and maybe not so legal) that I can get to make me concentrate? I am in a vicious circle and things are getting worse.
I am so bloody irritable at the moment. Everything. I'll be ok one minute with something and then all of a sudden I am like whoahhhh, STOP. On the 15 minute drive home from work I got through 200 songs on my iPod only listening to parts of them.
I feel like I am in a vicious circle as I am getting annoyed that I can't concentrate and I will then think about the work I need to be doing. I will then get annoyed more so as there is so much to do and I keep thinking about it along with a million other things and then that makes me more not being able to concentrate. It's like I am in a vicious circle.
I am not watching the Royal Wedding. I don't get the whole hype. It's just two people getting married. Me personally if I ever get married I don't want a load of people I couldn't care less about going to my wedding. I mean come on...Posh and Becks going to the church? It's all about status and I am not particularly keen on the royal family. Other than be a tourist attraction I can't really see what they do. OK. Hit me with the comments on that one.
I have never seen as many chavs under one roof as I saw last night. It was an interesting experience and was not at all something I would have chosen to do but only went as my friend asked me as she didn't want to be gooseberry. It was shit. I don't like them or anything like them. I am a bit of a music snob though and will only listen to certain music. I won't give much a go unless it is the same genre as the stuff I like. Although, I must say. Lady Gaga is a guilty pleasure of mine.
Met my favourite author yesterday also. The person who was in front of me in the queue kept making comments on mine and my friends conversation about what we were saying to each other. I kind of made me paranoid. She was on her own and kept her back to me. My friend didn't really notice it but everything I said she kind of kept repeating it and saying "that's interesting". She then went on to comment how she wears a tiara when she does her housework. What that had to do with anything and when we weren't even talking to her. Kind of annoying really.
I let quite a lot tonight. I was hoping it would sort of knock me. Slow things down a bit. It hasn't. I am still where I was. Time is going like superfast. I don't like it. I wish I was 6 again and time seemed to stand still and summer holidays lasted forever. 6 weeks of school. Amazing. I'd love 6 weeks off now. I would love to go knock on my friends doors and see if they wanna come out and play, go swimming, play tennis in the street, play kurby. I spent hours and hours playing kurby. Was a brilliant game. You don't seem to see kids playing anymore. I wish I was still a kid and not getting older. I felt really old last night. I was jealous of the kids in front of me smuggling their bottle of vodka in (I say kids they were about 15). I would have done the same at their age. You could tell they had put loads of effort in to getting ready to go out. They had probably spent hours talking with each other about what they were going to wear that night.
What happened to all of that. When did I start just throwing on the first clean thing I can find in the morning.I saw clean. I often have to sponge food or something off something I am wearing. So I should probably say the first non smelly thing I can find. But then I have never been a typical girlie girl. i like to shop. But it has to be on my own. I don't like going with other people. They just start to annoy me. And I don't like being held up by others. I get to a point where I have had enough I am have to leave NOW!
I have got a busy day at work tomorrow. All the team except me is off next week. I can't say I am looking forward to that. I have no concentration at the moment and I find if I am in the office on my own I just sit there staring in to space and I can't get work done. We had handover today and I can't remember a word from it about the different service users.
Do you prefer to be called patient, client or service user? I never know which one to say,
I don't know what to do my dissertation on. It need to be social work based, I was wanting to do mental health and the stigma attached to it. I want it to be related to social workers (obviously) but I am really unsure what to do...
Please HELP ME.
Honestly. I am so stuck. If someone could give me a couple of ideas to start from and maybe an idea of a couple of questions I can possibly raise.
I am really stuck on this one. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going bed now. Well I am trying to.
xxxx
I am getting more and more stressed as I can't focus which is making my concentration even worse. I am stuck in a vicious circle. I can't even sit and watch a tv programme as my concentration span is less than 5 minutes. I have fallen behind on reading blogs as I just sit looking at the words as though they are a foreign language.
I've gotta see the nurse tomorrow to have my BP taken as last time I went to GP it was high and can't be high to be on the pill. Do I mention it to her. Is there any drugs out there legal (and maybe not so legal) that I can get to make me concentrate? I am in a vicious circle and things are getting worse.
I am so bloody irritable at the moment. Everything. I'll be ok one minute with something and then all of a sudden I am like whoahhhh, STOP. On the 15 minute drive home from work I got through 200 songs on my iPod only listening to parts of them.
I feel like I am in a vicious circle as I am getting annoyed that I can't concentrate and I will then think about the work I need to be doing. I will then get annoyed more so as there is so much to do and I keep thinking about it along with a million other things and then that makes me more not being able to concentrate. It's like I am in a vicious circle.
I am not watching the Royal Wedding. I don't get the whole hype. It's just two people getting married. Me personally if I ever get married I don't want a load of people I couldn't care less about going to my wedding. I mean come on...Posh and Becks going to the church? It's all about status and I am not particularly keen on the royal family. Other than be a tourist attraction I can't really see what they do. OK. Hit me with the comments on that one.
I have never seen as many chavs under one roof as I saw last night. It was an interesting experience and was not at all something I would have chosen to do but only went as my friend asked me as she didn't want to be gooseberry. It was shit. I don't like them or anything like them. I am a bit of a music snob though and will only listen to certain music. I won't give much a go unless it is the same genre as the stuff I like. Although, I must say. Lady Gaga is a guilty pleasure of mine.
Met my favourite author yesterday also. The person who was in front of me in the queue kept making comments on mine and my friends conversation about what we were saying to each other. I kind of made me paranoid. She was on her own and kept her back to me. My friend didn't really notice it but everything I said she kind of kept repeating it and saying "that's interesting". She then went on to comment how she wears a tiara when she does her housework. What that had to do with anything and when we weren't even talking to her. Kind of annoying really.
I let quite a lot tonight. I was hoping it would sort of knock me. Slow things down a bit. It hasn't. I am still where I was. Time is going like superfast. I don't like it. I wish I was 6 again and time seemed to stand still and summer holidays lasted forever. 6 weeks of school. Amazing. I'd love 6 weeks off now. I would love to go knock on my friends doors and see if they wanna come out and play, go swimming, play tennis in the street, play kurby. I spent hours and hours playing kurby. Was a brilliant game. You don't seem to see kids playing anymore. I wish I was still a kid and not getting older. I felt really old last night. I was jealous of the kids in front of me smuggling their bottle of vodka in (I say kids they were about 15). I would have done the same at their age. You could tell they had put loads of effort in to getting ready to go out. They had probably spent hours talking with each other about what they were going to wear that night.
What happened to all of that. When did I start just throwing on the first clean thing I can find in the morning.I saw clean. I often have to sponge food or something off something I am wearing. So I should probably say the first non smelly thing I can find. But then I have never been a typical girlie girl. i like to shop. But it has to be on my own. I don't like going with other people. They just start to annoy me. And I don't like being held up by others. I get to a point where I have had enough I am have to leave NOW!
I have got a busy day at work tomorrow. All the team except me is off next week. I can't say I am looking forward to that. I have no concentration at the moment and I find if I am in the office on my own I just sit there staring in to space and I can't get work done. We had handover today and I can't remember a word from it about the different service users.
Do you prefer to be called patient, client or service user? I never know which one to say,
I don't know what to do my dissertation on. It need to be social work based, I was wanting to do mental health and the stigma attached to it. I want it to be related to social workers (obviously) but I am really unsure what to do...
Please HELP ME.
Honestly. I am so stuck. If someone could give me a couple of ideas to start from and maybe an idea of a couple of questions I can possibly raise.
I am really stuck on this one. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going bed now. Well I am trying to.
xxxx
Sunday, 17 April 2011
Happy 100.
I've made it to 100 posts. I didn't actually think I would and to be honest I am not sure if I will make it to 200.
I started this blog as a diary. I have re read most of my posts recently and have found that where some things have changed, over all, I still feel the same.
I am still a bit all over the place at the moment and it has been like it for over a week now. I think to try and get my thoughts to slow down and for me to slow down I am going to have to ask my GP for drugs. I don't know if he will be able to give me anything. But it's worth trying. I have been on full speed now for over a week. I am struggling to concentrate on anything. I am trying to read other people's blogs and I can't. I seem to be going a million miles an hour.
The suicidal thoughts are still there. In one way it is better being like this as they come in and go very quickly as another thought will soon pop in and take over. It's hard work though. The way I have seen someone else describe it describes it perfectly for me.
Imagine you are in John Lewis on the 3rd floor in the TV and Audio department. You have about 100 different TVs and also 100 different CD/Audio players. Each one is playing a different thing. I am managing to hear each one at the same time. Each sound is crisp and clear.
When it is not like this the suicidal thoughts come and stay and is all I can concentrate on. Now I have so much going through that I don't have control.
I don't know what is going off in my head but it scares me.
I went a bit mad on the shopping over the weekend. I don't plan on taking any of it back and I plan on going to out of town Matalan tomorrow to get some tops. I am near by in the afternoon so I may as well right?
I've got quite a busy week this week. I am actually going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow for work/placement. I am quite worried. In my stupid paranoid head I think everyone is in on the game and by people saying can I go as my views and experience will help it's really all just a ploy to get me to the hospital.
Yeh. I am mad!
I am trying to rationalise it all saying that if they are going to section me then they will just turn up with the police, restrain me and drag me there. Why would they go to all that effort? But. I can't help but still think these things and worry about them. So what can I do?
It gets harder and harder to rationalise with myself. I know I need to. I know I need to keep talking to myself to tell myself that is not how it works. I need to tell myself that I am not being followed, there are not hidden cameras in my house/car/room. The whole idea of it is preposterous. I mean I have worked in psych hospitals. I know they can't do that. But why the hell am I so paranoid about it? Why when I rationalise or try to there is still seeds of doubt that is going on. Also. If I am so paranoid...why is my blog a safe place where I can say what I want? A blog I have given electronic extracts to Sam of (and if you copy and paste it it comes up with the blog in it's full detail....yeh I didn't think that one out), a blog about 6 people other than me reads. Why can I still do that. Surly this would say a lot more than following me around. Yet why am I not paranoid about this? I am weird!
And yet. I can't say any of these thoughts to anyone as I am so scared about being sectioned.
Maybe I put too much trust in to my online diary and I should stop putting so much of myself in to it.
Maybe I will re-consider this whole thing. Yet rational me thinks who the hell is going to want to read about my shit.
Grrrrr.
I started this blog as a diary. I have re read most of my posts recently and have found that where some things have changed, over all, I still feel the same.
I am still a bit all over the place at the moment and it has been like it for over a week now. I think to try and get my thoughts to slow down and for me to slow down I am going to have to ask my GP for drugs. I don't know if he will be able to give me anything. But it's worth trying. I have been on full speed now for over a week. I am struggling to concentrate on anything. I am trying to read other people's blogs and I can't. I seem to be going a million miles an hour.
The suicidal thoughts are still there. In one way it is better being like this as they come in and go very quickly as another thought will soon pop in and take over. It's hard work though. The way I have seen someone else describe it describes it perfectly for me.
Imagine you are in John Lewis on the 3rd floor in the TV and Audio department. You have about 100 different TVs and also 100 different CD/Audio players. Each one is playing a different thing. I am managing to hear each one at the same time. Each sound is crisp and clear.
When it is not like this the suicidal thoughts come and stay and is all I can concentrate on. Now I have so much going through that I don't have control.
I don't know what is going off in my head but it scares me.
I went a bit mad on the shopping over the weekend. I don't plan on taking any of it back and I plan on going to out of town Matalan tomorrow to get some tops. I am near by in the afternoon so I may as well right?
I've got quite a busy week this week. I am actually going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow for work/placement. I am quite worried. In my stupid paranoid head I think everyone is in on the game and by people saying can I go as my views and experience will help it's really all just a ploy to get me to the hospital.
Yeh. I am mad!
I am trying to rationalise it all saying that if they are going to section me then they will just turn up with the police, restrain me and drag me there. Why would they go to all that effort? But. I can't help but still think these things and worry about them. So what can I do?
It gets harder and harder to rationalise with myself. I know I need to. I know I need to keep talking to myself to tell myself that is not how it works. I need to tell myself that I am not being followed, there are not hidden cameras in my house/car/room. The whole idea of it is preposterous. I mean I have worked in psych hospitals. I know they can't do that. But why the hell am I so paranoid about it? Why when I rationalise or try to there is still seeds of doubt that is going on. Also. If I am so paranoid...why is my blog a safe place where I can say what I want? A blog I have given electronic extracts to Sam of (and if you copy and paste it it comes up with the blog in it's full detail....yeh I didn't think that one out), a blog about 6 people other than me reads. Why can I still do that. Surly this would say a lot more than following me around. Yet why am I not paranoid about this? I am weird!
And yet. I can't say any of these thoughts to anyone as I am so scared about being sectioned.
Maybe I put too much trust in to my online diary and I should stop putting so much of myself in to it.
Maybe I will re-consider this whole thing. Yet rational me thinks who the hell is going to want to read about my shit.
Grrrrr.
Saturday, 16 April 2011
Did I Really Need...
5 new pairs of trousers
4 new pairs of shoes
5 new tops
2 new eyeliners
2 foundations
5 nail varnishes
2 new pj bottoms when I already have 3 I already haven't worn
2 toothbrushes (I brought the top of the range electric one only 2 months ago).
2 lots of dry shampoo.
I think I went a tad mad today. And now I have the shopping blues!
4 new pairs of shoes
5 new tops
2 new eyeliners
2 foundations
5 nail varnishes
2 new pj bottoms when I already have 3 I already haven't worn
2 toothbrushes (I brought the top of the range electric one only 2 months ago).
2 lots of dry shampoo.
I think I went a tad mad today. And now I have the shopping blues!
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Don't Know What's Going On.
Maybe Sam is right. Maybe I do need to go to see my GP.
But, I kinda like the way I am at the moment. I feel productive. I feel motivated. I feel a bit hyper. The lack of sleep is not bothering me as I don't feel tired. I am ok on that amount of sleep. I feel mentally tired as I am thinking fast if that makes sense. I have a lot of different thoughts and can't process one before the other comes in. But, I can manage it. Well, I can most the time. Like if I am focusing on doing something. I have lists of things to do. So if I take one task, such as writing a letter I can do that and then move through my list. It's when I am not doing that that it bothers me. For instance I lose my concentration easily or lose track of what I am doing. I think I am managing to hide the lack of concentration. I don't think anyone has noticed.
Yeah I am still having the suicidal thoughts but they are not as often and it's more of a fleeting thought before another totally different one comes in. Before it was on a constant reel. I would picture my own death, I would picture different scenarios and they were all I thought of. But now it's just..."I wonder if...".
I've got a busy weekend planned. Shopping on Saturday. Yay! I know what I want but whether or not I will be able to get them. I know I probably shouldn't be but I want to.
Can anyone recommend a good eyeliner that stays on all day. I like to wear it thick and don't want a liquid one as I can't work them. I like pencil ones. I usually have like a smoky khol effect going on, heavy on top and bottom. What about foundations? I usually use clinique but I want something a bit heavier that will last the day and not make me shiny?
Not heard anymore from Gom. I am not that bothered. Ok, I want him to be thinking what have I done. I miss her. But I think moving another girl in probably shows that he is in love with someone else. You wouldn't move someone in you didn't love would you. I think I have come to terms with it now. Not sure. I would hate to run in to him and see him I think that may evoke some horrible emotions but I am ok after the contact with him this week.
I have got a meeting tomorrow which I am not happy about. This woman does not deserve her kids to be living with her. She spends all their money on drugs and alcohol and then can't feed them. The are in care at the moment but they are supposed to be coming back to her. I don't think that they should be. Not when she has not been giving the money over she has been receiving for them and the carers can't afford to feed them. It really annoys me.
I want kids and some people don't deserve to have them.
I keep biting the inside of my mouth as these pills give me dry mouth. It's really annoying me. I keep chewing it. And then it bleeds and can't stop grinding my teeth against it. I wish I could just stick a plaster on it or something, but with it being the inside of your mouth it wouldn't stick. Lol.
Had training on drugs today. I was surprised at how little in comparison to alcohol it costs the government. You know as in health care, crime etc. Alcohol is something like 10billion a year. Drugs is 0.9 billion a year. I wont say only, as I would quite like 0.9 billion. Sod it I'll take the 0.1. Or even 0.01!!!! Alcohol and the NHS is one of the things I am passionate about. When I was in hospital with the infection from self harming I would go out for cigarettes. I would say about 75% of the people I spoke to were in hospital either because they had had an accident while overly pissed or they were alcoholics and they had liver problems and other problems that go with alcohol. Did you also know that alcohol withdrawal can actually kill you. While drug withdrawal may feel like you are dying it's not a thing that can kill you. And, what confuses me is that drugs are looked at from a medical model and alcohol is a behavioural. There we are medical and behavioural again.
I spoke briefly to Sam about this on Wednesday. I said I prefer to look at it from the medical perspective as makes it seem a lot easier for me. I have written about it before on blogs about this. Wont go in to details again.
Anyway. I am not sure what else to say today. I am so busy at the moment but it's good. It means I can make the most of this what ever it is at the moment. Yay!
xxx
But, I kinda like the way I am at the moment. I feel productive. I feel motivated. I feel a bit hyper. The lack of sleep is not bothering me as I don't feel tired. I am ok on that amount of sleep. I feel mentally tired as I am thinking fast if that makes sense. I have a lot of different thoughts and can't process one before the other comes in. But, I can manage it. Well, I can most the time. Like if I am focusing on doing something. I have lists of things to do. So if I take one task, such as writing a letter I can do that and then move through my list. It's when I am not doing that that it bothers me. For instance I lose my concentration easily or lose track of what I am doing. I think I am managing to hide the lack of concentration. I don't think anyone has noticed.
Yeah I am still having the suicidal thoughts but they are not as often and it's more of a fleeting thought before another totally different one comes in. Before it was on a constant reel. I would picture my own death, I would picture different scenarios and they were all I thought of. But now it's just..."I wonder if...".
I've got a busy weekend planned. Shopping on Saturday. Yay! I know what I want but whether or not I will be able to get them. I know I probably shouldn't be but I want to.
Can anyone recommend a good eyeliner that stays on all day. I like to wear it thick and don't want a liquid one as I can't work them. I like pencil ones. I usually have like a smoky khol effect going on, heavy on top and bottom. What about foundations? I usually use clinique but I want something a bit heavier that will last the day and not make me shiny?
Not heard anymore from Gom. I am not that bothered. Ok, I want him to be thinking what have I done. I miss her. But I think moving another girl in probably shows that he is in love with someone else. You wouldn't move someone in you didn't love would you. I think I have come to terms with it now. Not sure. I would hate to run in to him and see him I think that may evoke some horrible emotions but I am ok after the contact with him this week.
I have got a meeting tomorrow which I am not happy about. This woman does not deserve her kids to be living with her. She spends all their money on drugs and alcohol and then can't feed them. The are in care at the moment but they are supposed to be coming back to her. I don't think that they should be. Not when she has not been giving the money over she has been receiving for them and the carers can't afford to feed them. It really annoys me.
I want kids and some people don't deserve to have them.
I keep biting the inside of my mouth as these pills give me dry mouth. It's really annoying me. I keep chewing it. And then it bleeds and can't stop grinding my teeth against it. I wish I could just stick a plaster on it or something, but with it being the inside of your mouth it wouldn't stick. Lol.
Had training on drugs today. I was surprised at how little in comparison to alcohol it costs the government. You know as in health care, crime etc. Alcohol is something like 10billion a year. Drugs is 0.9 billion a year. I wont say only, as I would quite like 0.9 billion. Sod it I'll take the 0.1. Or even 0.01!!!! Alcohol and the NHS is one of the things I am passionate about. When I was in hospital with the infection from self harming I would go out for cigarettes. I would say about 75% of the people I spoke to were in hospital either because they had had an accident while overly pissed or they were alcoholics and they had liver problems and other problems that go with alcohol. Did you also know that alcohol withdrawal can actually kill you. While drug withdrawal may feel like you are dying it's not a thing that can kill you. And, what confuses me is that drugs are looked at from a medical model and alcohol is a behavioural. There we are medical and behavioural again.
I spoke briefly to Sam about this on Wednesday. I said I prefer to look at it from the medical perspective as makes it seem a lot easier for me. I have written about it before on blogs about this. Wont go in to details again.
Anyway. I am not sure what else to say today. I am so busy at the moment but it's good. It means I can make the most of this what ever it is at the moment. Yay!
xxx
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