It all seems to be sending me messages. I know, weird right? But everything I seem to watch recently and it's not intended seems to involve death and suicide. For instance, I went to see Les Mis. OK, the title should have given it away but there was suicide in that. Javert jumps off the bridge to his death and I get that. I have stood many a time on my local bridge contemplating it and climbing up and only stopping when someone has asked me if I am ok (sorry if you were planning on watching the film and I just spoiled it).
Casualty tonight. It featured an anorexic girl who was told if she didn't have this particular treatment she would die. She refused it. I got it. I know what it's like to live with something and know it's not going to go away. To want to die so you don't have to fight the illness anymore.
Every time I turn the radio on it seems to be a song about death. Death is all around me and it is as though it is speaking to me.
Then what put a bit of a downer on things for me was I went to see The Impossible (well I was already feeling really shit anyway but this exasperated it). This is a film about the 2004 Boxing day Tsunami. A couple of things were I was there only a short time before the tsunami hit. A matter of a few months. The people who sold things to us on the beach and looked after us in our hotels were probably killed that day. If we hadn't have left Australia early due to funding we would have probably have been there at the time.
The film started with them arriving in paradise etc etc. And it just reminded me that I am not there. And I should be. I should have been going travelling again this year. But because of my shitty mental health I am not able to. Instead I am moving out. Which is not that bad. But I was really excited about travelling. i had brought books, planned the trip, had been reading blogs and was at the stage of booking flights near enough. I also believe it was this plan of going travelling which gave me a little hope when I was on the PICU and it got me out of hospital as it gave me a plan B. Now I don't have that.
I am even struggling to see going back to uni. I honestly don't think I will be alive then.
I have an appointment with the psychologist on Thursday and I am really nervous about it. He will know that I have not been honest with him about the self harm. He will probably wonder what kind of relationship we have that I felt that I couldn't tell him. I hope I don't get questioned on it. I know I am going to have to talk about it. In a way I want to talk about the fact that I have been self harming because I feel they should know that I am not coping as they thought I was. But it's going to be hard to bring it up.