It ended up coming out. Not everything. But some. I went to see her this morning and it started off quite normally. She was telling me about the Case Conference they had about me last week and what the outcomes were of that. No change there. Keep working with OT, Psychology, CPN, Social Inclusion, Tenancy Support and the Psychiatrist will see me if the CPN thinks I need to about medication. I asked her what would happen after March as was only agreed Psychologist would only see me until then and she said I needed to bring it up with him as was something that was on my mind and there could possibly be some flexibility there. I doubt he will continue to see me though.
She asked how I had been coping with these suicidal urges and how I had been getting through and I just replied using my now catchphrase "I don't know". She asked about the self harm and I said I hadn't. But I went bright red and quiet. So she said a long the lines of that they can only work with what I am telling them and it isn't useful for anyone if I am keeping things from them. I said that I was worried that they would break my confidentiality and inform my parents if I disclosed anything. She went through the spiel again of when and when they wouldn't inform them then asked me again if I had been doing anything. I admitted it. She asked me what and I said I didn't want to talk about it. She then went on to say that even small OD's could be life endangering as of the build up in the system and even though I had swallowed things numerous times and nothing has happened there is still a chance something could and I should know better than anyone of what it is like to have swallowed something and it perforate and make me very ill.
She said she was going to have to speak to my Psychiatrist about this as I wouldn't tell them what I had been doing and they couldn't rule out what I was doing wasn't life endangering.
So she asked me if I thought what I was doing was life endangering and I lied and said no. She asked me if it involved ingesting anything and again I lied and said no. I don't see that they need to know the particulars of the self harm. At the moment it is just self harm and not attempts on my life. When the time comes I'll give it a damn good go. Not just a handful of pills or the swallowing of sharp things. But the thing is if it does get me then that's just a bonus. I don't think they need to be aware of exactly what I am doing as that won't change the way they approach things with me. All they need to know is I am not coping as they thought I was and that I am self harming in someway as a coping mechanism.
I felt like I had been dragged before the head teacher who was contemplating phoning home to inform the parents I had misbehaved. Although that never happened to me. Not in secondary school just primary. The head teacher in primary was a cow bag and she disliked my whole family as my Nan was a governor and they didn't agree on a lot of things. One thing I got brought in front of the head for was selling diaries to the other kids for 50p each. I was 10, I was using my entrepreneur skills. I should have been rewarded for it not told off. But that's by the by.
But today didn't go that great really. I was asked what I thought they could do for me and I honestly don't know what they could do for me. I have given up on the mindfulness now. I did give it a good shot and was practising even when I didn't need it. Couldn't get it right even then never mind come to when I actually need it. It's just not for me. But I gave it a go. Having given it a good go, and knowing that this is what makes up a huge part of DBT I am sure that DBT is not for me. I'll have a chat with the psychologist about this when I see him next week.
I was quite surprised I actually told the CPN some of what has been happening. I was going to tell the psychologist (not details again), I think maybe after the last session with him he probably didn't believe me and mentioned something to CPN and she pushed it that little bit further and I broke.
I also had a meeting with the TSW today. That didn't go great either. We had to do a recovery star and so we talked about my current mental health in detail. For one I really don't feel comfortable discussing it in my own home. I don't know why this is. I always prefer appointments to be at the hospital when I see anyone but being as though tenancy support are a separate company this is not possible. Maybe I'll feel different when I am finally in my own place. Who knows. Anyway, talking about my MH in detail with someone I don't know that well is really hard. Especially as she is a TSW. She was asking me questions about self harm and what I did and I felt so uncomfortable. I just said I'd rather not talk about it. It seems for me talking about how I am feeling makes me feel worse. I want to use her as just help finding tenancy, not for my MH problems and it just makes me feel weird discussing it.
So I don't know how it's possible but I feel even worse than I had been doing today. The urges are massive. I am doing really bad things also like starting to stockpile prescription meds. I dream every night about the day I can finally do it. I also dream about having a MHA assessment forced on me. I have a plan though if this is the case.
Planning gives me some peace of mind.