It was bad in some ways and not in others. What I expected to be bad (about the self harming) wasn't, yet there were other things that were. The first thing he said to me was that he knew about the self harm as my CPN had told him about it. He said he was glad I felt I was able to tell her. I told him I had made the decision to tell him at this appointment anyway as I felt things had gone too far. He said he suspected I was considering things were going so badly for me, yet he wanted to respect my wish not to say anything. He said part of him hoped what I said was true but he had his suspicions.
He asked me outright if I had been swallowing anything or overdosing and I couldn't tell him the truth. I do want to. I want to speak about it with him but I know if I do they will have to inform my parents as they are classed as my carers. So, I just said I had been cutting, some quite deep but not needing stitches. He said he was concerned I was looking after them on my own without seeking medical treatment and he would like someone to take a look at them. I said I didn't want that to happen. He said he was worried about them getting infected, especially as I said I didn't really care either way. And then he went on to say what the risks were if they were to become infected. So I just said how I make sure they are clean and dressed and won't become infected.
So the stuff that bothered me and found really hard to talk about.
I told him about the paranoia that I was being watched and observed. About how when I saw police cars and ambulances I have a rush of anxiety in case they are coming for me. I had talked about this before with him so that was mainly him just asking if things were like that again.
I told him how I see people at the bottom of the garden or just outside the garden peering over the fence looking at me. He asked me if it was anyone I knew, if their features were distorted and a few other things. I said no, they were perfectly normal looking people. So, he asked me how I knew they weren't just people. This kind of freaked me a bit, it's one thing thinking you see someone but to actually see someone watching you is just well? I said I knew they weren't there as after a while they just disappeared.
I also told him about how unreal objects can become real. I struggled to explain it and he asked me for an example. So I said how I have this, well I am not sure what it is, it's either a foot stool or a door stop. Anyway, it's shaped like a dog. I said sometimes it's as though it comes alive and starts moving. I said it didn't last long, a matter of seconds but it freaked me out. He said I must be really scared how all of this is happening at the moment. I had not put that much thought into what has been happening and he asked me if I thought they were hallucinations and I said yeah, I suppose they are. He asked me how often it happens and if there was anything in the room now????
He said that usually when a person experiences what I am they are under a huge amount of stress, suffering lack of sleep etc. I said that I didn't think that I was under any unusual amount of stress and he said that carrying around the suicidal feelings and it going through my head all the time was probably really stressful and the stress of everything has just built up until it's reached boiling point. I said I had been in the situation before where I have had suicidal urges but never had anything like this before and it was really freaking me out.
I found it really hard talking about those things and left it at just that as I was finding it so hard, so I didn't speak about what happens when I wake in the night sometimes or the smells that I smell that no one else does. He said he wanted to speak to my doctor to see if we could review my medication so we can stop these things from happening. In theory it sounds good, but I don't rate my doctor that much and can't see anything happening there.
So we moved on to the suicidal feelings. He asked how I was feeling that January was coming to an end. I had originally said to him I won't do anything in January but would probably in February. He asked me whether or not I could keep myself safe tonight and I said yes. He asked how I knew that and I said it wasn't in my plan. So he said that didn't really mean a lot as I have acted on impulse before and have also done things before I had planned to do them. So I really had to convince him I wouldn't do anything. I have now pretty much decided I am not going to do anything until I have my own flat. I think I have found somewhere so I only need to hold on a matter of weeks now anyway. But I didn't tell him this as I don't want anything to happen with it. I told him how I was not coping well at all and as time goes on the self harm is becoming more frequent and I am taking more risks. As it is at the moment I am swallowing stuff 3 or 4 times a week. Again, can't tell him that though. He asked how I was taking more risks and I was a bit stumped being as though I couldn't tell him exactly so just said something about not caring if I cause myself serious damage anymore.
So, then he asked me if I thought if I needed to be in hospital. I just shook my head. He was then like I wasn't asking whether or not you wanted to, but whether you need to be. I just said no. I am not going back in to hospital. I said I couldn't go back in. I told him how everyone thought I was doing really well and I am putting on a front and I don't want to shatter their illusions. So, he asked if I thought bringing my parents into a session with him would be a good idea so we could tell them together. That was a flat out no! He asked me to think about discussing it with my parents. But, if I am honest, it's a conversation I really don't want to have. I don't want them on top of me, constantly asking if I'm ok, searching my room when I am not in it; medication has gone missing on numerous occasions, even my contraceptive pill! If they knew it would just make me more paranoid.
So again we came to the usefulness of the sessions. When I had the meeting with my CPN last week I asked what would happen when the sessions with psychologist were to finish as we only agreed up until March and she said it would be something I would need to address with him. He brought it up at the end as obviously she had said something to him about it. He asked what I felt I needed and I said at the moment I didn't know. He asked if I wanted to continue with the sessions after March and when I didn't answer he said along the lines of you can't see that far, and if you are planning to be dead it doesn't really matter anyway. He asked me what I got out of the sessions and I said I found it good to get off my chest how I was really feeling and what was going through my head as I didn't feel I could do that with anyone else. He said he keeps offering me advice but what he says doesn't do anything for me so from his side he struggles to see what benefits I am actually getting from it. He asked me what he could do or if there was anything different he could do. I told him I don't want him to sit there and just listen and say ummmm, ahhhh every two minutes, he said he couldn't refrain from adding bits in anyway as he just doesn't work in that way. I said I need him to keep telling me what to do as something has got to work and eventually we will get to it. So in the end he said we can discuss it another time as we originally decided on March as I was planning on going travelling but now I'm not, it's open to negotiation.
And that was about it. On the way out in the car park he grabbed me before I got to my car and said along the lines of I hope you do realise that we realise and acknowledge your going through a really shit time at the moment and we want to help.
So today was a really hard session. I am scared about what I told him in case the doctor thinks I need to be in hospital again. I am now anxiously waiting that phone call being summoned to see him. I am not sure if it will happen but there is always that worry.