Saturday, 12 January 2013

Decisions Decisions.

So I said in my last post I was worried that if I told CPN or Psychologist the truth then they would tell my parents. Let me just explain this bit first as Werehorse commented on the last post about this asking why they would tell when I am an adult.

A few weeks back my CPN, Psychologist, Psychiatrist and OT all had a case conference about me. The main thing that was being discussed was when they break confidentiality. What came from this was if I disclosed something to one of them that was deemed to be life endangering (eg swallowing, OD'ing) then they would be duty bound to tell my parents. Their reasons being should anything happen to me and my parents had not been made aware then the hospital would be held liable as they could have possibly prevented it by informing my parents. So for instance if I told them I had swallowed something and then they informed my parents, my parents can then be on the look out for any deterioration in my physical health and possibly prevent anything from happening. They also say that they have a duty of care to me to inform my carers if I am doing that so that I am not at risk. I can't say I agree with what they are doing but that is that.

So understandably I have not been telling my psychologist or CPN the details of the self harm. What I was thinking though is that I could skirt around it a bit and admit that I have been self harming but not say how. They think I am doing really well as I have not been doing anything and I am really misleading them. I need more help and I am not going to get it if they think I am doing well the way things are.

What does worry me about this method is:

1) That they may inform my parents any way on the suspicion I was seriously self harming etc.
2) That they may use this against me and force me in to going in to hospital again as it's pretty obvious I am not keeping myself safe and am planning my own death.

It's pretty useless carrying on seeing psychologist when I can't even be honest with him so maybe I need to find a way to be more honest with him. Although he will only see me until March so realistically have about 3 or 4 sessions left with him. He said on Thursday that he didn't see what he was doing for me or what help he was. He said he really wanted to help but he didn't know what to do. What do I say to that as I don't know either. I'm kind of sad that our sessions are coming to an end. He does seem to be my only outlet. I know it's unhealthy and I need to find a new one. But in a way I kind of feel that people are starting to feel that I am untreatable and not doing anything anymore. I am only going to see the OT every 3 weeks now also. Not that I found them much use anyway.

Does this sound like a sense of fear of abandonment?

I suppose in one way I am worried all I am going to have left is my CPN who I don't have a great relationship with.

Part of me thinks well, it doesn't matter as come February hopefully I won't be here anyway, well hopefully.

And if I get told to try mindfulness anymore I am going to scream. I hate it. It doesn't work and I am not going to bother wasting my time on it anymore. I have also tried putting time aside to let the thoughts run free but that doesn't make much difference either. Maybe I need to give it more time. I've only given it a couple of days.

Anyway, if anyone reads this I could really do with some feedback on my plan of talking non-specifically about the self harm so I would really appreciate any comments.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have no knowledge of you except what i have read in a few of this months posts; and communication is not my strong suit, so maybe i am way off base here. But, you sound really conflicted. For example you're planning suicide in the near future; but you're concerned you're not receiving the best care, as though you'd rather live a long healthy life.

So maybe you can decide for yourself what you actually want: to get better, to linger in misery, to die and take your chances on what comes next.

If you want to get better you need to stop jacking around. Tell your care team what you are experiencing, and do what they ask you to do in response. And give it time! it took decades to get you where you are, you're not going to just wake up one morning a different person altogether.

Ive been in and out of psychiatric care for twenty years, and i was presumed healthy for twenty years before that. I'm only just now beginning to feel like i'm making progress toward sorting it all out and not being a miserable waste of flesh. Why now? Because I finally decided to invest in my own well being.

My gut reaction to what of your blog i've read is that you are now in the same boat i was in for far too long. And if i could go back in time and do one thing to change my life for the better, i would slap my young self in the face and point out all the ways i was a lazy, irresponsible, lying cheat. I'm not talking about work or money or anything so mundane, i'm talking about life itself, day in and day out. Looking back i simply refused to take responsibility for my own welfare. i lied to everyone, including most of all myself. I cheated everyone too, of the respect they earned by at the very least not being as fucked up as i was.

I could ramble on for some time, but i won't right now.

btw, taking psychoactive medication incorrectly can yield a variety of results, including symptoms very similar to the ones you are taking the medication for in the first place. ergo, if you are not taking the meds correctly; and the meds in the first place were prescribed to you based on lies you told your doctors; how can you really be surprised they aren't helping? WAKE UP!