Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Dreading Tomorrow

So tomorrow is the appointment with the psychologist. He is going to know I have been self harming after weeks of telling him I haven't and I have some how been coping. I am going to have to discuss the self harm. I am not going to say what it is as that will land me in trouble as it will mean my parents will have to be informed.

I am really nervous about the appointment. More so than usual. They know I am having suicidal urges and that I have even made plans but don't have an exact date. I don't know how much I can actually tell them. There is so much that I haven't said. I did mention that there is a voice that says "do it now" last time and he told me to reply to it by shouting "no". But I haven't been doing that. I haven't been able to. All I can manage is "wait".

There's other things as well. A few times I have woken in the night and felt that there is something sitting on my bed. I have been seeing things move and my mind has been playing tricks on me by turning objects in to animate things. Like someones hat earlier became a dog. I have also been having the smell of burning following me around. I will say to people can you smell that and they say no so it's only me that's getting it. There's the paranoid thinking which is full on also. I think I am being watched in my own house. That people from the hospital are staring in through the windows just to see how mad I really am and to observe me. I can't walk into the kitchen without this thought coming in to my head. It's the same when I go on my balcony. I believe that there are people hidden in the trees at the bottom of the garden watching me. I try and rationalise this. I tell myself that it's absurd, that it would be against the law (right to private family life and all that) and that they are not going to put resources in like that just for little ol' me. But even though I keep telling myself that I am being stupid and that there is no way it could happen, there is still a massive seed of doubt.

All these things are really worrying me. It's not exactly normal is it. But I don't know how much of it I can share as I don't want to end up in hospital. Also, shouldn't the meds I am on mean that this doesn't occur...a anti-psychotic (Quetiapine), a anti-depressant (lofepramine) and a mood stabiliser (depakote).

I keep having dreams that my psychiatrist, CPN, psychologist, an AMHP and my GP storm my house for a MHA. Each time in the dream I end up being sectioned. I am really worried that that is going to happen. If I am honest then it could happen. I don't want to go into hospital. I want to carry out my plan. Hospital won't help me.

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