Thursday, 3 January 2013

Went to See CPN

I forgot she said she was going to have a student with her so it was really hard. I didn't get out all of what I wanted to say as I was conscious that there was someone else there. I did manage to tell her I was having thoughts. She said I needed to keep myself busy and distracted and I said that doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

 She kept asking me what I wanted and what I wanted to do and in the end I snapped that I knew what I wanted. She asked me what then I said I wasn't going to say. As soon as I had said this I wished I could have taken it back. She asked me if I had a plan. I said not yet. Which in a kind of way it's true as I am holding off for a couple of weeks before I put any plans into place. She said she wasn't sure if I would be able to keep myself safe until Tuesday when I have a meeting with OT. I said I would but I couldn't tell her what I would do to make sure that I would.

So then she said she was going to have to call my parents and inform them. I begged her not to and she said I wasn't leaving her with much option. But in the end I agreed that she could call me tomorrow. I don't want her to but that's the only way she would drop it.

I really wish I hadn't said anything to her now. She'll probably still go and tell my parents anyway. She asked me if I had self harmed since I last saw her. Of course I can't tell her that I have been. I know as soon as she knows what I've been up to she will tell my parents. So what's the point in telling her?

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