I had a really weird dream last night that I told my psychologist about the self harm but not in detail. He turned around and said to me if you won't tell me what it is I am going to assume that it is serious self harm and therefore am going to have to inform your parents.
It sounds stupid but I don't know whether or not to take this as a sign not to say anything to him about it. I am so worried he will come to the conclusion that because I won't elaborate that I am seriously self-harming. Of course he would be correct but I am not going to tell him that.
It just seems stupid me continuing to go see him and the CPN while they think that I am coping and that although I am having these suicidal thoughts, feelings, urges, plans that I am coping with them. I feel that they may think because I haven't been self harming I am less likely to act on any suicidal urges because I am able to work through it. When in fact I have been self harming 3-4 times a week and quite seriously. Which probably means I can't work through the urges/ride them out and am more likely to act on them.
What worries me here is they will want to inform my parents or want me back in hospital. And there is no way I am going back in hospital. Not voluntarily anyway. Another dream I had last night was that they go a warrant on a S135 to assess me.
Ok, this is going to sound maybe a little mad but, in the past my dreams have kind of predicted the way things go. Remember about 18months ago I wrote about a dream I had where I stabbed myself in the stomach and I was in hospital but was a ward I didn't recognise. Then when I seriously OD'd and came around in intensive care that was the ward from my dream. I had never been there before so had no way in picturing it to dream about it. That's not the first time things like that have happened. So as you can imagine understandably I am worried in telling the half truth to the psychologist as of what may happen.
I am seeing my CPN on Thursday. I won't be saying anything to her but I am really worried about seeing her as I told her a couple of weeks ago how I was feeling and since then I have seen the psychologist and have told him in more detail that I have plans and have methods etc. So she is bound to know. I've not had a phone call from her though so that eases my worries a little as if she was overly concerned she would have probably phoned me by now, and luckily she hasn't.
No one commented on the last post about what you would do or what you think I should do and I really need some input here. I can't go this alone.