I've been pondering it quite a bit of late. More so the past couple of days since the appointment with the psychologist. He said to me things won't be better if you are dead and I said they would. So we had a bit of a discussion about life after death and what I believed in. He said no one knows for sure what happens when you die, and, he asked me what I thought. I said I really didn't know. I said I was brought up to believe in heaven and hell but that all changed around the time I was 15 when my Nan died and I stopped going to church. I never liked going to church and it was always a chore. I went to a good catholic school and we never learned anything other than catholic beliefs. But I am not like that now.
I said I was agnostic in that I didn't know what to believe. But I was pretty sure that I would be better off dead. If there is such thing as reincarnation I must have done something pretty bad in a past life for it to be like it is now. I don't know much, but I honestly believe that things would improve for me if I was dead. The way he keeps saying things won't improve if I am dead makes me think he has other beliefs. I don't know what they are as we never talk about him. I have been seeing him for a year now, and I know nothing about him. Our time is coming to an end soon anyway so it doesn't bother me that much, and I appreciate that there is that professional/patient line that shouldn't be crossed.
When I was on PICU for nearly 7 months it did get crossed and I had staff tell me quite a lot about their personal life's. In a way it was nice that I was being given this information as it made them seem more human. Not just someone who was paid to do a job and be there watching me 24/7. Some of the staff I spent hours and hours with so got to know them and their pasts quite well. I suppose in some way it strengthened the relationship I had with them as I felt I was able to be more open with them.
Anyway, things are still pretty much the same with me. I am still feeling the same and experiencing the same things. No phone call came on Friday from my CPN or Dr and I doubt that I will receive one from them at all regarding what I told the psychologist about the experiences of seeing things etc. I am worried that I may receive one and that they will want me to go in and have a meeting with the doctor. I don't like him which is one reason I don't want to meet with him, but also as well, I worry that if I am asked questions about what has been going on and my current state that they will want me to be in hospital. And, it's my doctor who can arrange the MHA assessment etc. So, I really don't want to see him. As awful as these experiences are I would rather go on having them than be in hospital. Being as though I don't plan on being around much longer I feel that it's not as though I am going to have to put up with them for much longer.