I am being plagued by my recent revelations. I can’t escape it. Every time I stop the memories of everything come flooding in. I can’t stop. I have to keep myself distracted by the TV or just chatting crap to staff. None of the staff on the ward know what I have said to Gary so I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I don’t feel as though there is anyone I could talk to about it. Well, maybe there is one person but he is being seconded to another ward in a couple of days so I can’t see the point in opening up to him.
I really can’t escape the thoughts and memories, I am even dreaming about it most the night. I was in a meditation group yesterday and I couldn’t get it out my head. I got all emotional and was hard to bring myself out of it. So much for meditation. I think I acquired the exact opposite of what the group was about.
Because it’s taking up so much of my thinking capacity I am having thoughts of self harm and even thinking about how I could. Talk about a backward step. There has been talk of transferring me to treatment/acute ward but I don’t think it’s a good idea at the moment. I know the way in which I am I need to be on this type of ward where I am monitored constantly. I know the transfer to another ward will really unsettle me and it could mean I end up self-harming again. Here, I have my own room, I practically have a TV lounge to myself as the other female doesn’t watch TV. I can pretty much come and go off the ward as and when I like as I have grounds leave and community leave. OK, it’s with a member of staff but it’s there and I can use it. If I am transferred back to the acute ward I was on before, I know it’s noisy, it’s busy, I don’t have any space to myself and they don’t let me off the ward. I know I hold the responsibility for my own body and self-harm but I don’t think transferring me back at the moment would be a good idea.
I can’t tell anyone this though. How I have tried to explain it to them is I prefer it here as it is quieter and I have my own space. I have tried to say I find the acute/treatment ward less like reality as I can’t escape from it. Whereas at home, I don’t have the problems I face on the acute/treatment ward. I know I probably need to go to an acute/treatment ward before they consider discharge, which doesn’t seem likely for a long time. If I tell them how I am feeling now they will probably cancel what leave I have and it will be noted that actually I am not getting better as they thought.
I don’t know if I mentioned before what they are now waiting on. My CPN, Beth, has referred me to a Continuing Care Panel with two options. The first being a transfer to a low secure unit as they think I could possibly benefit with a more intense therapeutic environment. Obviously this means a long stay in hospital. We’re talking maybe 18 months. The other option is to a place called Mac Close. This is like a supported living unit. There are a number of houses and staff there all the time. These are the only two options she has put to them, and I really don’t want either. I don’t think I need to be in a low secure environment. That’s my opinion anyway, but other staff seem to agree with me also on this. The option of Mac Close I really don’t want either as I don’t think it will be of benefit to me. I don’t need support to live independently. I have managed in the past and don’t need help with it now. Beth and the other professionals seem really against me going home to my Mum. I can kind of see their point as I was only out of hospital 6 weeks before ending up back in hospital again and I was struggling to deal with what was going on between my parents and my Mum’s reaction to it all. I still worry that this would be an issue for me and it would affect me. My plan here though is to lie and say I am moving in with my friend but really only stay with my friend until they take me off the section. Unless they put me on a Community Treatment Order I can’t see how they could bring me back in to hospital.
So I guess I feel a little torn at the moment. I REALLY want out of hospital. Really really badly. I am so sick of it. I have been in coming up 11 weeks. Longer than last time. I can’t see the end in sight either. I think I am possibly becoming institutionalised by not wanting to be moved wards and being terrified of being discharged also. I am not sure how I would cope with it. Would my whole world come tumbling down all around me again? I guess the staff don’t know also so they don’t want to take the chance if they can’t see much has changed. I am trying to change. Hence being open with Gary and telling him everything. Even if I do regret it now. I have also arranged alternative accommodation (or so they think) and I am trying to be more open with other staff about how I feel. The staff here are nice but there is not many I could be open with and tell them about what has happened in the past.
I was supposed to see Gary today but he called in sick. I felt kind of disappointed. I think this feeling in itself means I need to tell other people what happened as I was kind of relying on speaking to him today about how I have been feeling since I told him everything. I had prepared myself for it also. I was quite anxious last night thinking about seeing him again. I feel as though I need to tell him what effect telling him has had on me. How it interjects everything I do. How it’s the first coherent thought I have in the morning and how it’s the last thought at night, how it invades my dreams, how it is taking over my life at the moment. I think “I was raped” and it shocks me. It scares me. I am still not sure if it was. People have told me it was. But hearing it just makes it worse. Sam said it in the past also, but somehow I just managed to sweep what she said under the carpet, kind of like how I do with most things. Maybe it’s hearing it from another professional has made it more real, it hurts and for some reason I can’t sweep this back under the carpet. I think possibly giving it the name rape makes it worse and I blame myself more as I am still under the firm belief that if I hadn’t stole the money my life would have taken a very different trajectory. I wouldn’t have ended up in the position at 13 and 14 where I let myself be taken advantage of. I would have had more respect for myself. I would have liked myself. I wouldn’t have been in the position where I was thinking I had already done it so even though I didn’t want to what difference would it make? I would have put up a fight, I would have tried harder to leave. I would have done something about it. When I thought of it as just sleeping with someone who was older even though I didn’t want to and said no it was easier. Now, I just blame myself even more for what happened.
So perhaps being open about the past has not been the best thing for me. I feel so different about it now. I need to try and go back to it not being a big thing. I need to not think of the past so much but it’s hard. The event itself hasn’t changed so why have my perceptions of it? In the grand scheme of things what I experienced is not horrific. There are many people who had it much worse. There are many people who had it much worse and don’t take to mutilating themselves and don’t treat life as expendable and don’t give it respect by trying to end it. So why do I? I mean really, what happened isn’t that bad is it? So then I feel bad for feeling bad about it when there are people out there who experience worse every day and they can get on with life, yet, here I am taking up a bed in a PICU when there is probably someone who needs it a lot more, here I am self-harming requiring regular trips to the ED and hospital admissions. I am just a drain.
And the worst thing. I honestly can’t see how things can change! How can things change?