Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Figured it Out.

I think I've figured it out. But I can't talk to anyone about it.

I've written about it before so won't go in to detail about it again. I'm on my phone for one reason, but, the other is if I over think it it makes me anxious and have bad intrusive thoughts.

Anyway. I feel a lot of my problems stem from when I was 13. I stole the money and hated myself for it. I still do. But from that age on all I wanted was for people to like me. I still do. So I let people take advantage of me. I didn't want to sleep with the people I did. But because of the way I felt I let people take advantage. This was at the age of 13/14. There were 2 people then, none of which I wanted. So now I'm left with feelings of being a slag. I was too young.

Then when I was 15, just after my nan died there was the 30year old. I really didn't want to but never said anything. I just remember feeling so used and so dirty after. He worked in the hotel I was staying in. I was sacred to say no. I cried for ages after and felt sick. It's weird but I can even remember what underwear I was wearing. Then I found out he was married and had a kid on the way so it left me feeling worse. I soon forgot about it and put it to the back of my mind. I just put it down to me being easy.

So I look at it now and I think maybe he did take advantage of me. I feel dirty and don't like myself for it. I blame myself as maybe I could have been stronger and said no! It has only recently been an issue. It was something that came out in counselling with Sam. It was only yesterday that in the psychology session with Gary that I started to link everything back to me stealing the money when I was 13.

I had thoughts that this may have some impact but I didn't link it to all the other things that went on. I realised that I really don't like myself very much and I want others to like me and not think badly of me. So I let people take advantage, I go out of my way to do things for others so that they have a high opinion of me and because I really don't like myself that much it's why I self harm, it's why I have suicidal feelings, it's why I don't look after myself properly and have issues with my weight.

I also think it's why I held on to a volatile and sometimes violent relationship for so long. I put up with so much shit in that relationship and was scared to let go. I looked at it with rose tinted glasses and only saw the good times and times when we were happy together. But realistically we Weren't happy together even half the time we were together.

But, I still don't want people knowing that I did this horrible thing when I was 13. I can't talk to the psychologist about it. He knew he'd hit on something yesterday when he was talking about links to the past. He said it was obvious I was anxious and dissacociating. He did this grounding activity where I had to describe in detail the room such as noises and textures. Without saying details I was trying to ask him questions about it. I don't feel as though I can actually talk to anyone in detail about it. I can only be vague.

He has said he wants to see me twice a week now and I agreed. He knows something has happened in the past but he doesn't know what. It was all a bit of an epiphany to me yesterday anyway so it's all quite new. The more I think of it though the more it makes sense.

So it explains a hell of a lot. But not the cyclothymic disorder. I wonder if all this didn't happen when I was a kid if I'd still have that.

I wonder if now I'm more aware I can deal with it myself. I hope I can.

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