Had review this morning. I suppose I was quite hostile to the doctor. I didn't mean to be it's just that I don't particularly like her that much and I'm struggling again. Since my mini epiphany the other day I've been feeling a bit shit. Anyway, I told her how I felt about being in hospital and that I felt I didn't need to be. She then said I need to engage more. I said I already was. She said I wasn't as she knew from reading my notes that I had figured stuff out I just hadn't told anyone and it was something that I didn't feel I could talk about (see previous post). Anyway, long story short she's going to speak to my old ward at my city hospital and see if they would have me back. Hopefully, if they do I'll get out of PICU and back to acute. On a good note I'm allowed to go to the local shops now each day. So I've got decent leave. So. 3pm. Gary the Psychologist comes. He does something to me that takes me to a bad place. Even when I've tried to kill myself or self harmed I've never felt the anxiety that I have when I see him. I dissociate and go back to when I was 15. He tries to pull me back but sometimes I've just gone too far. So then I can't breathe and I'm all hot and my heart is pounding. I think I'm gonna have a full blown panic attack. I manage to bring myself back with the help of his grounding exercises. What it is now is a blame myself for everything and feel if I'd made a different choice then I may like myself a bit more and wouldn't do what I do. I can't talk to anyone in detail only skirt around the edges. All I can do is write!