Tuesday, 24 January 2012

Struggling With Thoughts

<p>&lt;p&gt;I think the psychology sessions are making me worse. I've been having quite intrusive thoughts the past few days and they're worrying me. I don't feel as though I can talk to anyone about them as on appearances to everyone I'm doing really well. </p>
<p>Apparently in handover this morning they mentioned a discharge care plan. I really wanna get out of here and I'm scared if I'm honest it will hamper my chances, delay it or mean that I get transferred to a low secure unit.</p>
<p>I have a lot riding on me doing well. Also, there's not really anyone on shift I feel I can talk to. So I feel a bit lost. I don't really know what to do. On one hand I feel that I should say something and ask for help as it shows I can do it. And there's a chance if I don't then I'll self harm and they'll ask me why I didn't ask for help and put me back to where I started. But then if I do ask for help it's highlighting I'm not that well at the moment.</p>
<p>So what would you do???</p>
<p>I do wonder if doing these psychology sessions help. They make me have on near on panic attacks. Today it happened a couple of times where there was this massive rush of emotions and I dissociate. He reads me so well and is a bloody mind reader. Today we just discussed my life. What events happened when I was growing up. Obviously I couldn't bring myself to tell him. But he came close to the beginning of the story when he asked about something in particular. And he knew he'd hit a nerve.

One thing he did say was that he felt that it was something that I did want to talk about but couldn't because I felt I couldn't trust people here. I spoke to him a bit about this saying that was part of it, but it was a fear of peoples opinions of me changing and being judged. Also, I didn't like the idea of it going in my notes for anyone to read. I wish I could talk about it. But, the fear I have is too big. I can't do it!

Seeing him 2x a week now so seeing him on Friday as well. I'm not sure what it's doing, if anything. All I know is since I started making more links to my past the more I've been feeling shit about myself and having more thoughts of self harm. So what do I do?

2 comments:

Jenny said...

Hi

My personal thoughts are that what happened to you isn't going to go away.. maybe you need to look at it and work through it all? And what better place to do that than while in hosital with care 24/7? If you were to have once weekly therapy to look at this, while living at home, I wonder how that would be for you? Maybe it would be good to be as honest and open as possible with them now and get support for after and between sessions too.

Hope Friday goes well
Jenny

one brave duck said...

good luck friday. a good therapist won't judge, they will just help you work through those difficult feelings, esp. shame (which i struggle with). i hope you can take that risk. maybe you can talk in general terms, so he gets a very broad picture, without the difficult details, then you can work slowly on getting the story out. it's the only way to heal, telling your story in front of a supportive witness. i know your story and i still care for you, it didn't change my opininion of you one bit. in fact, i felt more empathy for you, having struggled with two traumatic events so closely. you were just a child. no judgment here. about the intrusive thoughts, ask for help. you can hopefully nip this in the bud before you begin to self harm again. thinking of you, c.