<p><p>I think the psychology sessions are making me worse. I've been having quite intrusive thoughts the past few days and they're worrying me. I don't feel as though I can talk to anyone about them as on appearances to everyone I'm doing really well. </p>
<p>Apparently in handover this morning they mentioned a discharge care plan. I really wanna get out of here and I'm scared if I'm honest it will hamper my chances, delay it or mean that I get transferred to a low secure unit.</p>
<p>I have a lot riding on me doing well. Also, there's not really anyone on shift I feel I can talk to. So I feel a bit lost. I don't really know what to do. On one hand I feel that I should say something and ask for help as it shows I can do it. And there's a chance if I don't then I'll self harm and they'll ask me why I didn't ask for help and put me back to where I started. But then if I do ask for help it's highlighting I'm not that well at the moment.</p>
<p>So what would you do???</p>
<p>I do wonder if doing these psychology sessions help. They make me have on near on panic attacks. Today it happened a couple of times where there was this massive rush of emotions and I dissociate. He reads me so well and is a bloody mind reader. Today we just discussed my life. What events happened when I was growing up. Obviously I couldn't bring myself to tell him. But he came close to the beginning of the story when he asked about something in particular. And he knew he'd hit a nerve.
One thing he did say was that he felt that it was something that I did want to talk about but couldn't because I felt I couldn't trust people here. I spoke to him a bit about this saying that was part of it, but it was a fear of peoples opinions of me changing and being judged. Also, I didn't like the idea of it going in my notes for anyone to read. I wish I could talk about it. But, the fear I have is too big. I can't do it!
Seeing him 2x a week now so seeing him on Friday as well. I'm not sure what it's doing, if anything. All I know is since I started making more links to my past the more I've been feeling shit about myself and having more thoughts of self harm. So what do I do?