Sunday, 29 January 2012

I Am Thinking About Home. Not Sure If They Are.

I’m concerned that what I have told people about me will mean that I am going to be kept in longer.

I have already been told they want to keep me in a while longer and that in terms of mental health time 10 weeks is not really a long time in the grand scheme of things. I have said how I really want to go home and there will be things that are different that weren’t before. I can’t say I’m not worried. I am terrified that if I go home that things will spiral again and it makes me think that maybe I do need to be kept in hospital. But also, in the scheme of things I am feeling a lot better. When I was first admitted I was still planning on killing myself. I even brought in a stash of meds that I would be certain would work. But I was restrained and they were found before I had chance to take them. Then there was my self-harming behaviour. It was pretty serious shit. Not cutting, far worse and more dangerous. That’s what landed me on PICU again.

But, in time my feelings have changed. Yes, I have felt like self-harming, even in a serious way, but I have managed to contain it and ride out the feelings and not act on them like I was before. I explained how I had more motivation now, where as before I didn’t really have this motivation. Now, going back to uni is in sight. I need to start researching my dissertation (how the diagnosis of personality disorder can have an effect on patient care and how they are the least liked patients in mental health), I need to prepare for going back to uni, I want to get my life on track and I want to forget about all this and put it all behind me. I feel more positive. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware how I did write about being more positive last time just before I was discharged but uni is the most important thing to me and I have that in sight now. Not like last time where it seemed an age away.

Maybe I am kidding myself. I know what my home life is like and what affect that has on me. I didn’t know that before. What I mean by this is by being the only outlet my Mum has about talking about her feelings about the divorce and being around her while she isn’t coping either. I didn’t know I would have that before and I didn’t realise how much my parent’s separation would affect me. I have not told the doctors this. I have mentioned it but I have not talked in detail about how much it does actually have an impact on me.

Is my feeling of the need to be out of hospital taking over the actual reality of the situation. I understand where the doctors are coming from in saying that things need to change and I feel that I have made, or have made an effort to make some changes. I have been more open with staff. I have told staff on the ward how I have been feeling. They have noticed I have not been myself the past week anyway but I have managed to talk to staff about this. Not in detail but I have said it’s some of the things that I have spoken about with Gary which have had an effect on me and have made me feel a bit shit and have brought some issues up which I have had problems with. I have also been as open as I possibly can be with Gary. I told him all of my deep, dark thoughts. These thoughts I have never told anyone. He says that perhaps I am making too many links between past events and we need to work on breaking down some of the links. I disagree. I think if it hadn’t started how it did when I was 13 by stealing the money then the other events wouldn’t have happened. But, I won’t go in to that again as I have written about it in the past couple of blogs and I don’t want to dwell on it.

I have been struggling with what he said it was though. I have never seen it has rape. Because it happened to me. If it was someone else perhaps I would. But the way in which it happened and previous events mean I don’t see it as that. I don’t want to see it as that. I think of rape and I think of the massive impact this has on a person. I look at my case and see more what happened when I was 13 and the first two sexual encounters as having more of an impact. I don’t think Gary agrees. He said I went in to much more detail about what happened in Tenerife and this would indicate that it has had the bigger effect on me.

Anyway, the main point here is I told him everything. Although, he has not written in details about it in my notes. So anyone who reads my notes will know I discussed something with him just not what. Perhaps it would be better if he did write more detail. It’s because I am ashamed why I don’t want it in there. He asked me to think about if he could tell the doctor if she asked. At the time I didn’t want anyone else knowing but since I have had more time to think about it I think possibly it may be a good idea if she knows. But, if she was to know they would have to guarantee me that they will not tell my parents. They have broken my confidentiality on a number of occasions now by telling my parents about the self-harm acts I have done and so I am unsure whether or not I would want anyone else knowing. He told me to think about it anyway and I am not seeing him until Tuesday so I have another day or so to think about it.

So to sum it up; for going home I have –

I do feel more positive than last time. Uni is in sight and it is a big motivation to me.

I want to get back on with my life and put the hospital experience behind me.

I haven’t actually self-harmed in 7 weeks. OK I have wanted to in the past 2 but I have ridden those feelings out. Just because I am on the PICU does not mean I don’t have the methods to.

For staying –

I am terrified of going home incase things spiral again. But I have put some changes in places. I have been more open with staff (which could make me stay longer), I have told Gary everything so we do have a basis of something to work towards, my home situation has not changed that much. Although I have said I will live with my friend. This would only be until the section is taken off but they don’t need to know that.

But, I think at the end of the day they are not looking at sending me home any time soon so it’s probably a waste of time me even thinking and worrying about it.

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