Friday, 27 January 2012

I Told Him

I told him. Well I showed him. Everything. It took some thinking about but he agreed we would discuss what he would put in my notes after I told him. So I went out for a cig while he read it. The expression on his face when I came back in was kind of shock, kind of sorrow.

He told me I'd been raped. I don't look at any of them like that but he said it definitely was when I was 15 and probably was the first two times also. I told him everything about how I felt. How I feel it was my fault as I let the events happen. It was a really tough session. He was with me about 2hours. He's really good. I still don't know if I should have told him. I've never told anyone the exact details. Gom knew I lost my virginity at 13 and he knew that there were previous men. But he never knew how I felt about the events. He knew about the money but he never knew what impact that had on me and how I felt about it. I think one of the reasons I've never told anyone is because I didn't want the diagnosis of pd confirmed by this. There's the whole thing of something happening in childhood years with it. Also, I've always thought that they'd not had any impact on me and that there weren't any links between the past and now. Had review with docs this morning. It didn't go that well. She still wants to keep me here for months. I said I'd already been in 10weeks and she said that was relatively short in mental health terms. She said a lot of changes needed to be made before I was released. These included being more open with staff about how I'm feeling and what's gone off. That was my main motivation for telling Gary today. I said I also got the impression that no one wanted me to go home to my mum. Last night my friend called and said I could move in with her until May when another friend is moving in with her. So we came up with a plan. Tell the docs I'm moving out, stay with her a few weeks until I'm discharged off section then go back to my mum's. But, I wasn't really listened to when I said I'd consider moving. I've done 3 things they've asked of me now and I don't really know what else I'm supposed to be doing. I don't think there is much else I can do. Gary asked me if I would report what happened to the police. I said probably not. Firstly, I don't see it as rape. Ok, I said no but, I think I could have done more. He took advantage of me, after all he was 30 I was 15, which, yes is wrong but I see that I brought it on myself and I could have done more. Also it was 12 years ago in a foreign country. So the chances of anything happening are very unlikely and I don't want to be questioned about it the way the police would. So it would be fruitless. I've really struggled with the thoughts and flash backs today. I may ask for some PRN later. My mum is coming to visit and I'll see how that makes me feel. I wish I had proper internet access so I could type properly. Grrr.

4 comments:

one brave duck said...

wow i'm so proud of you. you are very, very brave. way to go. i don't know if i've said this before, but i'm so sorry for what happened to you. even though you might not have called it rape for all these years, you were definitely taken advantage of, and he was very, very wrong to do it. hope it goes okay with your mom and i'll check in tomorrow, c.

Golden Psych said...

Thanks C. I still don't think of it as rape and I think there was probably more I could have done. No matter what Gary said about it I still blame previous events for this as maybe if I'd had a better self image I'd have put more of a fight up. He spent ages trying to tell me it was his fault and he'd prayed on me as an vulnerable 15year old.

I don't like to think of it as rape. I don't see myself and don't want to see myself as a victim of rape. I hate the word.

Maybe one day I'll think differently about it. I've always thought until now that I just let him have sex with me and that although I said no, because I didn't fight it it was consensual.

I feel like this about myself and that event. Which is weird as typically I don't hold rape myths. I know, that if someone says no then the other person shouldn't proceed and it's rape. But in my case I just can't and won't see it like that as I feel as though there is more to it like the things in my past. There is no way what I would say would stand up in a court of law and get a conviction so I can't see it as more than just something I did.

Golden Psych said...

Thanks C. I still don't think of it as rape and I think there was probably more I could have done. No matter what Gary said about it I still blame previous events for this as maybe if I'd had a better self image I'd have put more of a fight up. He spent ages trying to tell me it was his fault and he'd prayed on me as an vulnerable 15year old.

I don't like to think of it as rape. I don't see myself and don't want to see myself as a victim of rape. I hate the word.

Maybe one day I'll think differently about it. I've always thought until now that I just let him have sex with me and that although I said no, because I didn't fight it it was consensual.

I feel like this about myself and that event. Which is weird as typically I don't hold rape myths. I know, that if someone says no then the other person shouldn't proceed and it's rape. But in my case I just can't and won't see it like that as I feel as though there is more to it like the things in my past. There is no way what I would say would stand up in a court of law and get a conviction so I can't see it as more than just something I did.

Golden Psych said...

Thanks C. I still don't think of it as rape and I think there was probably more I could have done. No matter what Gary said about it I still blame previous events for this as maybe if I'd had a better self image I'd have put more of a fight up. He spent ages trying to tell me it was his fault and he'd prayed on me as an vulnerable 15year old.

I don't like to think of it as rape. I don't see myself and don't want to see myself as a victim of rape. I hate the word.

Maybe one day I'll think differently about it. I've always thought until now that I just let him have sex with me and that although I said no, because I didn't fight it it was consensual.

I feel like this about myself and that event. Which is weird as typically I don't hold rape myths. I know, that if someone says no then the other person shouldn't proceed and it's rape. But in my case I just can't and won't see it like that as I feel as though there is more to it like the things in my past. There is no way what I would say would stand up in a court of law and get a conviction so I can't see it as more than just something I did.