Friday, 13 January 2012


<p>Well the review didn't quite go as I wanted. I got OT leave and leave to the family room but that's it. No reduction of obs. And the worst thing...when I asked how long in terms of weeks or months she said months.</p>
<p>Basically, Beth needs to write a referral to the team that deal with planning. She is going to ask them if they want to make a referral to a low secure unit in which if I was made to go I'd be there a long time, or a referral to a supported living place. Or both. Either way I don't want either of these and I just want to go home. I don't feel as though I'm being listened to about my wants and needs.</p>
<p>I know I probably shouldn't and it's probably just me being whatever, but, I feel that Beth just brings negativity to everything and if it wasn't for her I'd be more supported to be at home. I feel that it's her getting in the way.

I don't feel I'll ever be getting out of hospital. I don't feel that I need to be here either. I'm not self harming, I'm not having active thoughts and I'm not having suicidal thoughts. It feels as though they are keeping me here just in case. And I'm not sure they can do that. I have decided I am going to appeal and get a solicitor as I do feel I have a chance of getting out now.

Months, not weeks. So disappointing and disheartening. I don't know what to do with myself. It's put me in a bit of a mess if I'm honest. I don't know how I'm going to cope with spending more time here. I feel it's only a matter of time before I crack. But I've dealt with it so far. I asked about being moved off PICU and they said it's not likely to be anytime soon. I said how can I show things are getting better if they won't give me opportunity to. They said that the acute ward couldn't deal with my behaviours before. Which, I do understand, I did some pretty risky shit. But I've said I don't feel like that now and all I want is to go home and get on with my life.

I've got really negative feelings towards Beth - the CPN because every time I have dealings with her it seems to have negative outcomes for me. I don't feel as though I can trust her. Does it make sense? Is it me being stupid? I know I need to take responsibility etc but I can't help feeling this way. I wonder if she wasn't involved would things work out differently? Would I be able to go home?

I put an official complaint in about fingers at the last hospital. He was suspended because of it. I have people coming to interview me on Monday about the events that lead to the complaint. It all happened in November and my memory is crap. I'm worried that this will make me look like I'm lying even when I tell the truth. My memory is not very good and with the combination of being in hospital also it's gone to mush!

So, yeah I suppose I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment. Grrr!

1 comment:

one brave duck said...

i am sorry they are keeping you in longer than you are hoping for. i wish i could make it better for you. are you stuck with this cpn??? probably, right. i guess the longer you can go without self-harming, the better things will get for you. 3 weeks isn't all that long, considering although i bet it seems like ages for you. keep strong. i am here cheering you on, c.