I had another review today. I don’t really know how I feel about it. I talked about a few things with the doc.
First off we discussed my leave. I am allowed to go get my hair done tomorrow. They are giving me four hours to go get it done. I did say I had been struggling the past few days as of psychology and it was making me have thoughts. So they asked how I will cope if I struggle while I am out. I just said I would ride the feelings out as I have been doing the past few days and I am not planning on anything. Which is true. Kind of. My mirror in my eye shadows has broken and I did pull a piece of it out earlier. Not sure what I am going to do with it. I want to cut, I want to swallow it to cause internal damage. I am not telling anyone I have this glass as I don’t want it to affect the leave I have. But, it is worrying me that I have gone back a step. Also because I don’t want to go to low secure and serious self-harm is going to go against me. I am not even sure I will use it but knowing it’s there is a kind of security blanket. Anyway, they said because of my previous history of secreting items when I have come in to hospital, such as when I was admitted in November when I had all the medication hidden and razors hidden, that they are going to search me when I get back. So I must remember not to take out the mirror with me in case they find it on the way back in.
The next thing we discussed was the medication. Currently I am on Depakote (Sodium Valporate), Quetiapine and Lofepramine. I had a long conversation with one of the nurses in the week about the risks of taking Depakote and being a female of child bearing age. It really worried me. The chances of deformities in the foetus/baby are three times greater than other medication. It’s not a case of stopping it when you find out you are pregnant as these deformities happen in cell development and occur before you even know you are pregnant. What worries me here is when I have been unwell I have undertaken in risky behaviour and had unprotected sex. I am currently on the contraceptive pill but this is not 100% effective and if I am unwell I am less likely to take medication as I forget or don’t think I need it. Changing to a different contraception is not an option either as of my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome/Disease. After many years of problems I finally found a combination of treatment that works which is Metformin and the contraceptive pill. I am not going through having a coil fitted again as it is horrendous and I don’t want the implant. So changing my contraception is not an option. I asked if I could change to lithium to which she said she didn’t want to. She asked me if I could consider coming off the mood stabiliser all together and see how things pan out and increase the Quetiapine. I said I didn’t want to do that as I felt that the Depakote did work and I really didn’t want to chance becoming unwell and having unstable moods again. I tried to argue my point on this but I wasn’t getting anywhere. I think a lot of the reasoning behind her decision was the toxicity of Lithium in OD and we all know my history there.
Another thing I thought when she said that was “oh good, something that would definitely work”. So it’s obvious I am still having suicidal thoughts. Not good. I had not really noticed them until now. Maybe this is one of the first, but, it was there and that makes me worry that I am going back.
The last thing we talked about was moving wards. I said at the moment because of psychology I felt unsettled and don’t feel as though I would be able to cope on an acute/treatment ward as of the type of environment they are. I said ultimately I do want to move back to the hospital I was originally in but at the moment I worry as I feel being on this PICU is doing some good and I haven’t self-harmed in a number of weeks. But, if I am moved I feel that at the moment I wouldn’t be able to cope and I may end up back on the PICU that is out of my area where Fingers is. The doc said she couldn’t make any guarantees on this and cannot block a bed if they feel I am ready to be moved. I also said I didn’t wish to remain on this site as of the amount of hours I have worked on one of the wards and also on another ward before it was relocated to this site. So I want to go back to the main hospital where there are psych wards and not remain in the specialist psych hospital (If La Reve is reading this you are probably thinking I am mad considering the comparisons of cleanliness between the two places).
So that is this week’s review. I don’t feel as though I have got anywhere. I have been told I have to go to acute ward first. And even then it’s not a sure thing that I will be going home as the continuing care panel may decide they want me to go to low secure, or go to Mac Close. Neither of which I want. I just really wanna go home.
I saw my solicitor yesterday and she was quite positive at least. She said it doesn’t matter that I am getting self-harm urges as long as I can talk to staff about them and not act on them. I need to talk to staff about it and not hide away and say I am not getting them as it won’t be believed. If I can show that I do have them but I can ride them out and not do anything then I am more likely to get out. I said to her I felt my CPN/CCO (Beth) was quite negative and explained how she had even turned what my Mum had said in to a negative; she asked my Mum if she was happy to have me at home and my Mum said yes, she then asked her if she had any worries and my Mum said yes. So Beth said “Oh I’ll put that you are not entirely happy to have GP at home then”. My Mum was quite annoyed as that was not what she said and she said she could see how I felt Beth was being negative.
Anyway, that’s the past couple of days what has happened. I think I may need some PRN to help with the self-harm urges and thoughts. I don’t like taking it in the day though as it makes me sleep. I’ll see how I feel after going for a walk.
Thanks for reading.