Today marks 3 years since GOM and I broke up for good. Since he kicked me out the house saying in front of his Mum who I loved like my own that he was too scared to be in the house on his own with me. A load of crap. He was just saying it for effect. Pissed me off big time.
Anyway though. 3 whole years. I can't believe what has happened in those three years and I wonder if they would be any different had I still have been with him. I am not saying I blame the break up on my break down as I was ill before we broke up. Not to the extent I needed to be in hospital but on medication and had seen psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I do put some blame on my illness of being the cause of us breaking up as it made the relationship hard and he didn't understand.
I do think about him a lot. So much so I wonder if I am over him. I don't know. It's hard. Have I let go. Is the interest I have in his relationships truly because he was my best friend and I do want him to be happy? I know some of it I compare myself to his new girlfriend and see ways in which I am better than her to make myself feel better.
I have dreams about him. Quite a bit recently. When we first broke up I dreamt about him loads and then it tailed off but they have started again. I dream we get back together or hook up and I can't tell anyone as I am too ashamed of what I have done. What does this mean?
I wouldn't get back together with him. Not a chance. I know the relationship was not a good even relationship and I am better off out of it. But I can't help thinking we broke up in the February in the September that's when I got ill again in that cycle again. I had had a pretty stable year before that. But another reason why I wouldn't want to get back with him is I wouldn't want him to see all the new scars. To question me or to know I spent a year in a psychiatric hospital, 8 months of that on a PICU. Basically prison. I would never want his family to know.
I've not had a relationship since him. Yeah, there has been guys who I have dated a few times and I was seeing Vince for a while before I was sectioned back in the summer of 2011. But no one I have thought, yeah, I could fall in love with you. Maybe it's because he was my first love and I knew with him straight away that I could fall in love with him.
But then. It's been three years now. I really shouldn't be thinking so deeply about all this. I should be totally over it shouldn't I. Three years is a long time to pass.
It's stupid isn't it?
About Me
- Kat Moss
- Well, what can I say without giving too much away about who I am. I suppose firstly I should say why I am writing a blog. It's for my own benefit really. I like looking back through old things I have written about and it makes me rememeber it. I have an awful memory and it's good to look back and see how I felt about something or even something happening. I used to keep a diary when I was younger but fear of it being found and also the amount of time it took me to write in it meant that I didn't really write in it that often. But, it was good to look back on things and see how things were at the time. I don't know how many people, if any will read this. I would like to think people would read it and I can remain totally anonymous. If I can't be honest on here then where can I be. No one knows me on here, no one knows I keep a blog so I have that security.
2 comments:
It's not stupid at all, Golden Psych.
It must be especially painful because you broke up on the eve of Valentine's Day.
And do I feel your pain!!! It's been more than 3 years for me, and I think of HER... ALL THE TIME. Everything reminds me of her.
I don't remember how much of my "story" I've told you, but it's truly complicated, on many levels.
Please don't hesitate to PM me if you want/need to discuss further. Maybe we can keep each other from falling through the cracks.
In the meantime, take care!
Pete (Lost Soul)
Valentines doesn't play any part in it. I have never been big on it and think it's just a hallmark holiday. If you love someone you should go to extra efforts every day of the year and show them you love them every day of the year. So I think valentines is a waste of time and money.
I wouldn't say I feel pain about it now either. Just that I think about him a hell of a lot.
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