I called my CPN today and said I needed something to make me sleep. She said she knew I was struggling and arranged for a prescription of zopiclone to be sent to my GP so I could go collect it. 2 hours later I have 7 Zopiclone in my hands. As easy as that. As if they had been waiting for me to ask. As if they had been waiting for me to do something about it. And the CPN said I should call if I need her so I know she has been reading my notes. But still nothing over the experiences. Maybe they'll go away once I start sleeping properly. Maybe that is what they are wanting to try first and they were waiting on me taking the first step.
My parents were supposed to go away this weekend. I wasn't planning anything major. Just some pretty deep cutting and being left on my own. I had got worked up for it. It's why I didn't mention anything about them going away to the psychologist or anyone else in case they said something to them. But my parents haven't gone. And I can't help thinking that something has been said to them and that's why they haven't gone. All I wanted was this weekend on my own. I wasn't planning on taking my life. Not this weekend. I have other plans for that. But, I just wanted the time on my own.
It's only two weeks now until I have my own place.
One thing the psychologist asked me to consider yesterday was a place called The Retreat in York. I spent well over an hour reading about it yesterday. It's a therapeutic community. I know I wouldn't last two minutes in a place like that and I am better doing things on my own. As soon as I am put under rules and guidelines I crumble. Being in a place like that, even though it's not under the MHA would lead to me getting worse. And I actually think it would end up with me under the MHA again. It's something that can happen looking at the literature. It's really not for me. I was quite surprised he even suggested it. I thought he knew me and what I was like. Maybe, he hadn't read what it was all about, or maybe he doesn't know me that well. But I think it's something I will bring up with him next time I see him. In a jokey way. The only way I would ever consider that would be if I was on a section and that was the only way of getting off it. But it's really not for me.
And so tonight. I have had my first drink in about 6 weeks (since new year) and I have taken a sleeping pill. If that doesn't make me sleep tonight I don't know what will. Maybe not a good combination but it is not like I have OD'd on them or had over excessive amounts of alcohol. Just a bottle of wine. Maybe that is excessive to most people. Not to me though. Was nice. Oh, how I have missed wine!