Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Still Not Sleeping

I've started on the Depakote and Lofepramine again but not the Quetiapine. I'm still not sleeping. Had about 3 hours the last few nights running. I can't cope with it. I get mega anxious and have panic attacks for no reason when I can't sleep. My mouth is covered in ulcers as I have been grinding my teeth none stop and has been catching my gums, so that's pretty sore.

I am seeing the psychologist again tomorrow. I am a bit worried about it after what I told him last time about how I have been seeing things that aren't there and smelling things that aren't there and just having these weird experiences. It makes me worried to drive. I have been avoiding driving at night as that is when it tends to happen. I have had a couple during the day but it's mostly at night. I am worried if I am seeing things that aren't there I could swerve or brake suddenly causing other people danger. I am worried as to what these experiences mean. Does it mean I need to be in hospital? Do I need medicating. I can't really see much point in telling him I didn't take my medication for a week, it doesn't change anything. He said he was going to get someone to be in contact with me regarding what I told him and no one ever did. So I'm glad about that.

The latest new experience I have had is yesterday I was laying on my bed. It was about 10pm and I saw this snake slither out my wardrobe and across my floor towards the window. I am totally phobic of snakes and run a mile if I see one and my heart rate doubles if I so much as see a picture of one. So this terrified me. I was too scared to move and it wasn't until it just disappeared that I knew it wasn't really happening. But at the time I thought it was real. There was no reasoning that it couldn't be real and that I was seeing things. It was real to me and it was horrible.

I am still planning. I have it pretty much set in stone now. I don't have an exact date but it should be mid March some time. It should go un-noticed until it's too late so in a way it's perfect. I am not allowing myself to drink anything until then as when I drink I get impulsive. I've not had a drink since New Years so that shouldn't be too hard. Part of the reason I haven't had a drink is I know how impulsive I can be and I don't want to do anything that would cause me to have to go to the ED at hospital and explain things. It's a one way ticket to hospital. Psych Hospital. And I'm not going back there. Ever.

So I'm quite worried about tomorrow. I am worried if I tell him it's still going on, that I am having obsessions about death, have been holding a knife to myself as I am still obsessing about stabbing myself that he is going to think I should be in hospital. I don't know if he knows that being at home with my parents does give some kind of boundaries to me in that I am less likely to do something. So I am a bit weary of telling him I am moving in 2 weeks. He'll put 2 and 2 together and get 4. I'm sure of it.

Will write again soon after the appointment to say how it went.


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