Saturday, 2 February 2013

Sleep and My Ex

I am sick of not sleeping. I went to bed at around 11 last night and didn't get to sleep til around 05.30am and woke at 09.30am. I can't survive on only 4 hours sleep. I am lucky I got that I suppose. I have been averaging around 3 hours a night since I stopped taking the medication. I don't know if it's because I have not been taking the medication of if I am extra anxious at the moment.

I have news on the flat. It's mine and I have a move in date for the end of this month. I have a plan for once I am moved in so I don't know why I am getting really worried about moving in and getting sorted with furniture etc. It's making me really anxious. I need everything as the place is unfurnished, and I don't have anything, and next to no money to buy anything. It's really getting to me and I don't know why. Maybe I am having some ambivalence towards my plan. I have been told before I am quite ambivalent in that I don't care if I live or die. Maybe having a plan is giving me some peace and I know it's there should I need it. Who knows.

In other news, and it's been a hell of a while since I talked about him but, I have found out today that my ex GOM is no longer engaged to the girl he started going out with just after me and now he is going out with someone else by the looks of it. This will sound weird but that news made me feel quite sad. Well maybe not sad. But weird. I don't know why. Maybe, this is going to sound kind of big headed but I knew the person he was engaged to as I called her LD, was the total opposite to me. I had friends who met her and said that they didn't like her as she seemed boring and really had nothing about her. Even GOM's best friend said he couldn't stand her and didn't want to see GOM as she was always with him. So of course this made me feel a lot better about things. It wasn't as though we broke up and he went for someone else the same as me. But on the other hand if he was engaged to her she obviously made him happy. She was what he wanted and now the way I feel about him I just want him to be happy. I kind of still care about him, but I think that's understandable when you spent 9 years with someone from being 17. My friend said today she saw him walking along holding hands with someone else. So we did some facebook stalking and worked out who this new girl was. My friend said she was really scruffy and had messy weird hair that looked like it needed a good wash. Anyway, we think she's about 20. He's 33. Most guys dream. But I find it quite sad. Especially as when we were together and we were younger he always said by the time he was 30 he wanted to have settled down and have kids. Most 20 year old girls aren't going to want that are they. Most want other things first. It's all very new anyway as they have only been friends on facebook within the last month so who knows. But I find it quite sad anyway.

I am in contact with his sister again and am dying to ask her but I don't dare. I've not seen her since we broke up which is 3 years ago in a couple of weeks. But we have said once I move she will come over for a few drinks and a catch up so maybe I can get it out of her then.

I don't really know what all this means about how I think about it. Maybe I am reading too much into it. I know I would never get back together with him. We weren't right for each other and was a volatile sometimes violent relationship and if you can cause someone to get like that then it's not good. I mean both ways here. I wasn't a good girlfriend either. I cheated on him when things weren't good between us. We broke up and got back together all the time. I don't even know if these times I slept with someone else were when we were in out broken up phases. But even when we were broken up we still lived together and shared the same bed, or saw each other a few times a week and stayed over at each others. So we were never really broken up properly. I think it says it all if that before him I had slept with 3 people. By the time we were broken up I was at 10. 6 other people in those 9 years we were together. I really am an awful person. I hate myself for it. Maybe if I hadn't have taken him for granted so much things would have worked out differently and we wouldn't have lost the respect for one another. Or maybe if I was truly in love with him and it was a good relationship I wouldn't have slept with those other people.

Any way. I don't want to dwell on it.

So I think I am going to start taking my medication again. I don't think it does anything for me mentally but I think it makes me sleep. I'll try it tonight see what happens.

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