So tomorrow I see my psychologist after not seeing him for 3 weeks. Not much has changed with the way I have been feeling. I think I have a few things to talk about with him. My friend who is pregnant had to go to an appointment the other day and she wasn't told in advance it was actually a counselling appointment. I told her if that had have been me I would have been fuming as I need to mentally prepare myself for when I see someone. I need to think about what I want to talk about and get ready for it.
So, I am going to tell him how I only managed 3 nights in my own new place before self harming seriously enough that I needed to go to hospital. And then that I am not even sure why I went to the hospital for stitches and the FB to be removed when I have swallowed things and not bothered with medical treatment so the fact that I went doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe he can shed some light on that for me.
The hallucinations or what ever they are are still there. I am 3 floors up and I see faces in the window, people watching me, I see things come to life that aren't alive. I've got a stick man at the side of the TV and I see that start to move as I am watching TV. The Indian God Ganesh statue I have moves and the dog what ever it is comes alive. I still get that smell of burning also.
The paranoia is still there. My neighbours are spying on me from their flats and reporting back to the hospital. I have cameras in my flat watching me, they are installed in the smoke alarms which are in my bedroom and lounge and if it wasn't for them being so high up that I need a set of ladders to get to I would have ripped them out by now.
I am sleeping better now, getting around 8 hours a night...yay. But I am still getting these experiences happening. So it's not lack of sleep.
I am having massive anxiety attacks that can last hours. My heart starts to beat really fast and it feels like it's going to beat so hard it's going to bounce out my chest. I walk around not knowing what to do with myself as I can't do anything. Nothing seems to calm me down or make me feel better. So I walk around or just sit there kind of rocking until it passes.
I am not going to tell him I have a plan. I am not going to tell him that I did what he said in arranging a flat warming but not as a flat warming but as a goodbye party.
I feel there is a lot I need to get off my chest tomorrow. I want to speak about Monday night and all the feelings and thoughts that were going through my head.
Hopefully it will be an ok session. Although, I have this awful feeling something bad is going to happen. Like a feeling of an impending sense of doom.