Wednesday, 13 February 2013

3 Years.

Today marks 3 years since GOM and I broke up for good. Since he kicked me out the house saying in front of his Mum who I loved like my own that he was too scared to be in the house on his own with me. A load of crap. He was just saying it for effect. Pissed me off big time.

Anyway though. 3 whole years. I can't believe what has happened in those three years and I wonder if they would be any different had I still have been with him. I am not saying I blame the break up on my break down as I was ill before we broke up. Not to the extent I needed to be in hospital but on medication and had seen psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I do put some blame on my illness of being the cause of us breaking up as it made the relationship hard and he didn't understand.

I do think about him a lot. So much so I wonder if I am over him. I don't know. It's hard. Have I let go. Is the interest I have in his relationships truly because he was my best friend and I do want him to be happy? I know some of it I compare myself to his new girlfriend and see ways in which I am better than her to make myself feel better.

I have dreams about him. Quite a bit recently. When we first broke up I dreamt about him loads and then it tailed off but they have started again. I dream we get back together or hook up and I can't tell anyone as I am too ashamed of what I have done. What does this mean?

I wouldn't get back together with him. Not a chance. I know the relationship was not a good even relationship and I am better off out of it. But I can't help thinking we broke up in the February in the September that's when I got ill again in that cycle again. I had had a pretty stable year before that. But another reason why I wouldn't want to get back with him is I wouldn't want him to see all the new scars. To question me or to know I spent a year in a psychiatric hospital, 8 months of that on a PICU. Basically prison. I would never want his family to know.

I've not had a relationship since him. Yeah, there has been guys who I have dated a few times and I was seeing Vince for a while before I was sectioned back in the summer of 2011. But no one I have thought, yeah, I could fall in love with you. Maybe it's because he was my first love and I knew with him straight away that I could fall in love with him.

But then. It's been three years now. I really shouldn't be thinking so deeply about all this. I should be totally over it shouldn't I. Three years is a long time to pass.

It's stupid isn't it?

2 comments:

Eck said...

It's not stupid at all, Golden Psych.

It must be especially painful because you broke up on the eve of Valentine's Day.

And do I feel your pain!!! It's been more than 3 years for me, and I think of HER... ALL THE TIME. Everything reminds me of her.

I don't remember how much of my "story" I've told you, but it's truly complicated, on many levels.

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you want/need to discuss further. Maybe we can keep each other from falling through the cracks.

In the meantime, take care!

Pete (Lost Soul)

Golden Psych said...

Valentines doesn't play any part in it. I have never been big on it and think it's just a hallmark holiday. If you love someone you should go to extra efforts every day of the year and show them you love them every day of the year. So I think valentines is a waste of time and money.

I wouldn't say I feel pain about it now either. Just that I think about him a hell of a lot.