Today marks 3 years since GOM and I broke up for good. Since he kicked me out the house saying in front of his Mum who I loved like my own that he was too scared to be in the house on his own with me. A load of crap. He was just saying it for effect. Pissed me off big time.
Anyway though. 3 whole years. I can't believe what has happened in those three years and I wonder if they would be any different had I still have been with him. I am not saying I blame the break up on my break down as I was ill before we broke up. Not to the extent I needed to be in hospital but on medication and had seen psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors. I do put some blame on my illness of being the cause of us breaking up as it made the relationship hard and he didn't understand.
I do think about him a lot. So much so I wonder if I am over him. I don't know. It's hard. Have I let go. Is the interest I have in his relationships truly because he was my best friend and I do want him to be happy? I know some of it I compare myself to his new girlfriend and see ways in which I am better than her to make myself feel better.
I have dreams about him. Quite a bit recently. When we first broke up I dreamt about him loads and then it tailed off but they have started again. I dream we get back together or hook up and I can't tell anyone as I am too ashamed of what I have done. What does this mean?
I wouldn't get back together with him. Not a chance. I know the relationship was not a good even relationship and I am better off out of it. But I can't help thinking we broke up in the February in the September that's when I got ill again in that cycle again. I had had a pretty stable year before that. But another reason why I wouldn't want to get back with him is I wouldn't want him to see all the new scars. To question me or to know I spent a year in a psychiatric hospital, 8 months of that on a PICU. Basically prison. I would never want his family to know.
I've not had a relationship since him. Yeah, there has been guys who I have dated a few times and I was seeing Vince for a while before I was sectioned back in the summer of 2011. But no one I have thought, yeah, I could fall in love with you. Maybe it's because he was my first love and I knew with him straight away that I could fall in love with him.
But then. It's been three years now. I really shouldn't be thinking so deeply about all this. I should be totally over it shouldn't I. Three years is a long time to pass.
It's stupid isn't it?