Thursday, 21 February 2013

Tomorrow is D Day.

No not my planned date. My moving date. I am so incredibly anxious and stressed. They say moving is one of life's biggest stressors so I suppose with everything else going around in my head it's no surprise that I feel like I do. I can not relax. I can not stop thinking. The urges to cut are so massive. But I know if I do give it there is no way I will be able to stop, so it will be deep and then I can't exactly disappear tomorrow to go get stitched up when I have people roped in to help me.

I don't like asking people for help. And this just stresses me out more. I wish I had never asked my family to help me move and I had hired men with a van to come collect my shit and then go collect the furniture from all over this county and the next. At least if I am paying someone I wouldn't feel as bad. But I didn't factor this in soon enough and now I don't have the money to pay someone. And my family wouldn't accept the money from me anyway. But I feel like I am asking too much of them.

I suppose it's a theme in my life that I don't like asking for help. It took it being forced on me while I was in hospital as I would/could never seek it out. It wasn't until I had been in hospital about 8 months before I could approach someone and say, you know what, I'm doing really shit I need some help to get through this. I have never been the type of person that likes accepting other peoples help. I always feel I am putting people out.

I said to my Mum earlier I was really stressing about tomorrow, she said it's just one day just go with it. It's not just me I am stressing about. I know my Dad is going to be in a mood and a nightmare to be around. My brother didn't realise he was being roped in for the whole afternoon so everyone wants to do things their way and not really listen to me who has the plans which fit in around when I can pick the keys up and when the people who I have brought furniture off are available so that I can go round to their houses and collect it. I know what I am doing. I wish people would realise that. I know I should be grateful for their help, I really am. But if I knew I was going to be this stressed about it I would have looked in to hiring men with a lorry and getting them to drive all over and do the heavy duty stuff. They wouldn't complain.

I'm a selfish bitch aren't I?

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