Thursday, 7 February 2013

Commitment To Live.

That's what I was asked for today. He then kind of took it back saying it was probably too much to ask for. I agreed and said I didn't want to live but I was trying my hardest and he said that was good enough for him.

So we talked about me moving out in to my own place. He hit the nail on the head straight away about how I was feeling about it. He didn't ask me if I was excited or anything and just said are you nervous. I said yes and that I was really anxious about it. I told him how I had lived on my own before and it didn't really go that well as I was self-harming and overdosing a few times a week and I could see that happening again as of the way I was feeling now. I also asked him about how the confidentiality thing would work once I moved out. In that if I informed him of something that could be deemed life endangering would they then have to inform my parents. He said he didn't think so as at the moment the only reason they were doing that was because my parents were classed as my carers and I live with them and they would be informing them so that they could be on the look out for any deterioration in my health. He said me asking that made him anxious and he asked me if he should be pushing for more from me as he didn't really like leaving it at that. I think he meant he felt there was something I was not telling them now and he was worried about it. He's right though. I'm not telling them quite a bit. I'm really down playing the self harm and not told them that I'm regularly swallowing stuff.

We talked more about the self harm and the dangers of it. I said it was only superficial. He said even so I was taking risks in that I could unintentionally die by taking things too far or by infections etc. He asked if I was bothered by that and I said I wasn't at the moment as I wanted to die anyway.

I explained how at the moment living at home offers me some kind of control as I can't do anything to end my life as I would be found. And I can't seriously cut like I want to as it's not as though I can disappear in the middle of the night to the ED or even the next day without it raising questions on where I have been. When I was at uni I was able to use the excuse of going to the library or going in to uni when I was really going to the ED to get stitched up. Now I don't work, all my friends work during the day so me going out raises questions. I know I won't have that control once I move out. I said I can disappear a lot more easily when I live on my own making it a lot easier for me to end my life.

He said I need to look forward to something and plan something so he said I should organise a flat warming for when I move in. At first I didn't really like the idea of it as I am not in any mood for partying or being around lots of people. But the more I have thought about it the more I think why not? But not in a good way. I am now thinking of it as my going away party. A chance for me to see my close friends before I do it. So I have sent out the invites on facebook to my close friends inviting them over for drinks and nibbles. Then once that has been done with a couple of days later when I know I am not going to be disturbed for a few days and not missed until it's too late I can do what I need to do.

We also talked about low secure again. He asked me if I thought I should have gone and if I thought they had let me down by not pushing for it more. I said not. But then I said I hated the idea of it so much and was determined I didn't want to be there that that probably clouded my judgement on whether or not I should have gone. He said something that surprised me kind of that was along the lines of he thought maybe they should have pushed it more and that I should have gone. I asked why he thought that and he said so that he wasn't having to worry all the time about me. And that he felt that the doctor, my CPN and him haven't seemed to be doing much good for me if I am self harming as often and planning my own death still. I don't know if he has a point. But I said I wouldn't see him if I didn't think I was getting anything from it and that he should know by now I don't do anything I don't want to do or don't think is beneficial to me. He asked me to consider DBT again and I said no. He then went on to tell me what it would be like in low secure if I was to go there and how I would be expected to partake in group work etc. It kinda got me worried as if they had been discussing it again.

We talked about the experiences I have been having and I said they were pretty much the same and told him about seeing the snake the other night. He asked me what I had been doing just before and I said I had been looking for furniture online. He thinks it's down to being under a lot of stress and not sleeping and that I should consider asking for some sleeping tablets. I don't have any now. I am not even sure if they work for me but I think I may call my CPN tomorrow and ask her to get some from the doctor for me. It takes about 3 weeks to get in at my GP so can't really see the point in going down that route. I hope it is just that I am not sleeping. But the not sleeping has only been the last couple of weeks and these experiences started before that. So I can't see it being that. So I am worried about it. But then on the other hand I should only have to put up with it for a few more weeks now anyway.

We also discussed him carrying on seeing me. He asked if I would like to continue to see him and I said yes. When I was first discharged from hospital we said only until March that I would see him. That was because I was planning on going travelling. But he said now that is not happening he would if I wanted continue to see me. He said he would continue to see me every two weeks at the moment but from April his hours are being cut down to 3 days a week, which must really suck, bloody NHS and their funding. So it may have to be less often from then. He asked me what I thought of monthly and I was honest and said at the moment I didn't think that it would be enough. So we agreed at the moment to stick with the every two weeks.

Because he is on annual leave I will not be seeing him now for 3 weeks. So I will be moved in to my new place by then. It will also probably be the last time I see him anyway. I tried to avoid the subject of my plans as I didn't want him to think that as soon as I move out I have it all planned. I think if he knows that I will end up back in hospital for sure. So I am keeping quiet on that front.

We also discussed my blog and the forums I use. He asked me what advice I give to other people. I said how I would never encourage someone else to end their life and would always tell them to reach out. I said I knew I sounded hypocritical but I can never follow my own advice as as soon as is me experiencing it it feels totally different. Does that make sense?

And that's about it. Well it's what I can remember of today's appointment.

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