Monday, 22 October 2012

Yet Another Night Of Struggling

Don't know why I bother calling crisis team. It's not as though they are much help to me. I did my usual going for a drive and ending up by the bridge over the river. I even climbed up in a position. As I looked down I just thought how easy it would be. What held me back though was I wasn't sure if it was high enough.

So that was what made me call them again. I spent nearly an hour on the phone to a woman there but she made me not feel any better or any worse. In the end she said she was going to send the police so I jumped back in my car and came home which is where I am now writing this after about 10 minutes of being home. I hung up on her as she was talking about the police and I was worried if they came they would put me on a 136. So I have come home and now am sat thinking about doing something else. I have had a phone call from the police but didn't answer it, I think they are by the river looking for me. If I am in my own home they can't 136 me. So even though I was more with it by the river I don't want to risk the 136.

Evenings are the worst for me. I don't know why. Does anyone else get that? I think the best thing to do now would be to take about 3 zopiclones and knock myself out for the night. They've not really worked for me the past couple of nights and I have not slept, maybe that makes things worse for me.

I don't really know what to do with myself. I was hoping by writing it may get some things in my head in order but it hasn't really. I guess I'll be chain smoking again. I just hope the police don't turn up at my door.

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