I am still struggling on. I am wondering about what the point of being in hospital is doing for me. I am not sure my parents would want me back though. Not after what I put them through only a week ago. I don’t blame them if they wouldn’t. I need to move out and asap. I am meeting with Beth my CPN tomorrow before my ward review and hopefully we can have a good discussion about me moving out as she is supposed to help me with things like this. I haven’t told my parents yet. I am a bit nervous about it.
I am not sure about moving out in some respects. I wonder if some kind of supported living may be best initially. Would it make me less likely to harm and attempt if there was someone around but giving me the space I need no questions asked. Things like shopping and the whole living side I don’t need support with, I can do all that I have done it before. It’s the support side and having someone there when needed if I need them. I don’t have anyone in my family that I can talk to like that either.
I spoke to the doctor yesterday about how I am feeling and she said I should try the group things and how can I say I won’t like them when I haven’t even tried them. She has a point but I really don’t have a good feeling about it and I really don’t think I would get on in a group. It took me I don’t know how long to feel comfortable with the psychologist never mind a new group leader and then the other people that attend it. How do I know I can trust them? I don’t, do I? They’re not bound by the same code of ethics and confidentiality. I just don’t know if I can face it. Then I have the problem I see of what if I later come across these people in my future career? What if I can open up then it later turns out I become the social worker of one of them or they come across me professionally. They will know far too much information about me.
I am really reluctant to go and even try it. I also worry I will lose my current psychologist if I do as I suppose I would be seen as no longer needing his input. I think he is already thinking that I am not getting much from the sessions as he has asked me a couple of times in what the point in continuing the work with him was? I don’t know what to say. I like seeing you isn’t really a good enough reason. I need more than that. I don’t know what it is that makes me like seeing him. I suppose it’s the only time I get to speak openly and honestly about how I am feeling. I should be getting that on the ward but I’m not really. I don’t like to bother the staff with what I am thinking and feeling. As I have been reminded numerous times there are 17 other patients on this ward they have to look after. All I get told is to sit in the communal areas where they can keep an eye on me and being around other people will help. But it doesn’t it makes me worse. If those people, well there’s just 2, weren’t highly manic and getting in my face with it maybe it would help but when I have them shouting stuff at me it’s not exactly helpful. So I end up in my room on my own with my thoughts and feelings going around and around in my head and sometimes I act on them. Then I get into trouble.
But then being at home is just as bad. I am on my own with no one to talk to and have to put up with my parents. I don’t know if I am more likely to act on them. I thought my parents were a protective factor, but judging by my actions last week that shows that is not the case. So I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what’s best for me. I get the feeling my community team thinks I should be in hospital and the inpatient team don’t think I should be. I am just stuck in the middle. I don’t think anyone knows what isbest for me. Does anyone????