Friday, 5 October 2012

Waste of Time

I am in a right mess. I have popped the pills and keep looking at them ready to take them. I did that quite a lot earlier and had to get out the house. So I went for a drive. I ended up by the river about an hour and a half later and thought that I can't go on like this. So I called crisis team again.

I told him how I had popped the pills and he basically said along the lines of he can't advocate me taking them but if it makes me feel better? He told me to carry on driving. So I did for another half hour or so until I pulled out in front of someone as I wasn't concentrating properly so ended up driving home in tears at my own stupidity of putting other people at risk.

I've been home about 2.5 hours and about 1.5 hours ago I took 15mg of Zopiclone and 4 Night Nurse. I thought it would make me tired enough to sleep but it hasn't. I have got in to my PJ's and lied on the bed trying to relax and trying to be mindful of stuff to try and ease the thoughts but it's not worked.

The pills are still there shouting at me to take them. So I called crisis team back ( a 3 minute phone call) and he told me to write what I was feeling so here I am.

So what am I feeling. Anxious, low, suicidal. The urges are so strong. The thoughts in my head keep going around telling me I should kill myself as it will be easier than living like this. I saw the Psychologist today (maybe I'll write more about the appointment tomorrow if I haven't done anything) and he said I will get better but I won't if I am dead. I didn't say but I don't think I will get better. I am always going to be like this so what is the point? I can't live like this. I can't live with the urges as strong as they are, the mood changes and the depression that is so consuming. The Depakote has seemed to have stopped me from having the highs but not the depressions. I liked the highs. I felt alive when I had the highs, yes there are the negative sides to them such as the reckless spending, I have slept with people and put myself in risky situations. But generally they are good. When I am high, I am not depressed!

I hate being this person. I am ruled by my own negative thoughts. I don't feel as though I have anything to live for. I can't see a future that's not this. I don't want that. Who would?  What kind of life is that? A pretty shit one really isn't it? If I was an animal I would be put down.

He told me to write down a plan for tomorrow. But I don't want a tomorrow if it's going to be the same as today and yesterday and the day before etc. I don't know if they can help me. I don't know if I want to die. I just know that I can't live like this. "I don't wanna die but I ain't keen on living either" as Robbie says in Feel. But I can't see a way out. My way out is by dying. I haven't got the effort to fight it any more. Maybe I should be back in hospital? But then I still find ways of doing risky stuff that could kill me. Even when I was on PICU. So I don't even see how that would help. I just wish someone could take all of this away.

Now what do I do?

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