So as I have said before I have really been struggling with the thoughts and urges recently. I have been having massive paranoia attacks that I am being watched or being filmed and that when I see a police car or ambulance they are coming to get me. Not good really. It doesn't help that for the past couple of weeks I have been getting by on no more than 3-4 hours sleep a night. It is taking me a few hours to finally drop off after tossing and turning then I'll sleep for a couple of hours to wake up again. Then I will only really doze and not sleep properly. So it's been really hard keeping on top of these urges.
Yesterday I went through the house looking what medication I had in and found a hell of a lot. So I went out in the evening until 8 and I felt that I could not return home as the temptation was far too much. So I drove aimlessly around the city ending up near the river. I find water a calming influence and I needed to be calmed down. I knew what I was doing was ridiculous and I couldn't keep driving up all night as I had to get home to the dog. So I called crisis team. The out of hours number now goes through to the 136 suite and I knew the person I was talking to, which did actually help. We talked through a few things and she asked where I was and she told me to go home and she would call me 15minutes later to coincide with me getting home so we could formulate a plan. We agreed it may be a good idea for me to take some Night Nurse to try and help me get to sleep. I didn't tell her but I thought it would be a good idea to double the dose and drink a bottle of wine. It didn't work. I thought the wine would increase the effects of the tablets. But as it turns out the tablets were pretty shit and didn't work at all. So queue two hours lying in bed me getting more and more frustrated as was something I was positive would work. All these urges and thoughts are going around in my head.
I thought if I just cut a little it would stop me doing something more serious like swallowing something or overdosing. Well, the little cut turned into a massive cut. Not just one but 3. And, somehow managed to cut my knuckle open. I can't remember doing that though. I also swallowed the razors that I cut with but I didn't tell anyone that. I called 136 suite back and she said I needed to get down to the ED and she would call an ambulance for me. I said I didn't want an ambulance turning up on my road so I would call a taxi to take me there. The taxi didn't turn up so I said I would walk to the ED as is only a 15min walk. I really didn't want to go as the other day I found out my next door neighbour is some high up consultant there now. She moved from another city to the hospital across the road. I didn't want to risk seeing her. So on the way I decided I wasn't going to go anymore. So I ignored my phone as the woman from 136 suite was calling me back. I don't know what made me do it but I thought it would be a good idea to walk down the central reservation of the dual carriage way. Someone called the police and ambulance and that freaked me out so I kept trying to run off from the police. This led them in to restraining me and putting me on the 136. At the hospital I kept trying to get away so they ended up handcuffing me and one time behind my back and being frog marched to the treatment room. All I could think about was ending up back in hospital on a section which I was terrified of and wanted to get away. Not the best behaviour to portray if you want to come across as sane.
A really kind nurse stitched me up and I have ended up with about 25 stitches in various wounds. By this point I had calmed down and was more rational. However, the police still wanted to take me round to the 136 suite. They said they weren't going to take the chance. They were a lot nicer to me once I had calmed down also and they let me have a cigarette before going in to the 136 suite. I apologised to them for my behaviour and they told me not to worry about it and thanked me for apologising. I knew I had been a dickhead to them and was fighting with them. I was not being rational at all.
So on to the 136 suite and was a guy I knew who was the HCA who was working and he said he was sorry to see me again and hoped it was just a blip. Had a bit of a chat with him and he put me at ease. The nurse who was on was really nice as well. I have never met him before which is odd considering I spent nearly a year in hospital.
I was taken on to the suite at 7.20am but didn't get seen until nearly 2pm for the MHA assessment. The team including my consultant psychiatrist (who I am not keen on), my CPN (we know my feelings there), the AMHP and another psychiatrist arrived at 1pm so I was getting myself really wound up thinking that they were going to keep me in as it shouldn't be taking so long from them arriving to coming to see me. I had visions of them looking for beds and making phone calls to my parents etc.
They asked me about the night before and what had happened. I explained just what had happened and how I felt about things at the moment and that I have been really struggling with the thoughts and the lack of sleep is just making it worse as I am not able to deal with it. So they said they were happy with the progress I had been making so far and even if I can't see it I am improving and I should be commended on the efforts I am making to try and get better. I asked Dr T if I could go back on Quetiapine as I did feel positive benefits when I was on that and felt that it made me less impulsive and more controlled. I only came off it as I thought it was increasing my appetite but there's not been any difference since I have come off it. I did think it has a sedating effect also and I was getting a decent amount of sleep when I was on that and was generally more settled. But, Dr T said he wanted to wait a few more weeks to see how things go as he is not a believer in throwing medication at people. So if I still feel the same in a few weeks I need to speak to my CPN about it.
The outcome of the assessment was that they have prescribed me sleeping pills for the next four nights so that hopefully I can get into a routine and if I need more after to go to my GP for some more. I pushed the whole it's because I am not sleeping thing which I think is what got me off. Luckily they didn't ask me about the thoughts, urges, if I thought I could keep myself safe and if I wanted to die. I don't think there would have been the same outcome if they did, so I lucked out there.
I was told my parents would not be informed on this occasion but I still don't know if Beth will inform them. They (Dr T, Beth, Psychologist and OT) were supposed to have this case conference today about me but that was cancelled because they came to assess me to see if I was mental enough to be detained. She said she would call me tomorrow about things. I am not sure how things are going to go.
I see the psychologist tomorrow so that's going to be embarrassing. He will question me about everything and I am really not looking forward to the appointment. I am not sure how useful it's going to be and what mood it's going to put me in. Luckily I have a friend over for dinner tomorrow evening and I am cooking something I have never done before which should take my mind off things. Wish me luck for tomorrow!