I think I finally got to sleep around 07.30am this morning to wake up at 09.30am. Not good. Doesn't seem as though the Zopiclone worked.
Skip back to Thursday. I had appointment with the Psychologist. I was dreading it. I knew he would know about the 136. But I didn't know he was involved with it. He said he came to the suite at the same time as everyone else. So I wonder if they had that meeting about me there and that's why I was waiting over an hour from being told everyone had arrived to them coming to assess me. I'm kind of glad he didn't come in though as I was in a mess. Smudged eye make-up half way down my face, messy hair, the day before clothes and covered in blood. It was bad enough there being four people there anyway without him being in on it also.
Anyway he wanted to know what had gone off and I told him the story and he asked questions about the police and what happened. He asked if they were nice to me and I said at first they weren't but then that was my own doing as I kept trying to do a runner but after I stopped doing that they were nice to me. He asked if they cuffed me and I said yes and how it was so mortifying.
Again we talked about confidentiality and when they break it by telling my parents. I do get why, because if I have done something life threatening like swallowing something they need to be aware in case I get really ill so they can do something about it. Also there's the issue of the service being held liable if I do something, tell them and they don't do anything. So, yeah I get it. It's just not nice being on the receiving end of it. He told me that in the meeting himself and the OT had stated that they both felt uncomfortable with the whole breaking confidentiality thing as they were the people I saw the most and they were worried about what it would do to our relationship with them and that I would probably hold back. Which I agreed that if I now did something I wouldn't be telling them. He asked me if there was much point in me continuing to see him if I wasn't going to be honest with him and I said there was as there was more to it than that.
We talked about the feelings of paranoia and I explained how I felt that people were watching me and following me even when I was in my own home. That I was being recorded on camera. He asked who I thought it may be and I said I didn't know. I also said I try and rationalise these thoughts by telling myself I am being stupid and although this helps a little I am still left with niggling feelings that I am being watched. I have a thing about police cars and ambulances that if I see one I think they are coming for me. This is not good living near a hospital as you can hear sirens every time you go outside so I get quite paranoid about that also. I know I am being paranoid on this and it's not real. But I can't help having this small niggling feeling that it is true. And when I have a paranoia attack before I can rationalise it it's awful.
I told him how I had counted what pills I had in the house and how many I had. He asked why I had over 150 paracetamol. It was because I was prescribed so many last year after the operation and they are left over. Also if I get a head ache while I am out I just tend to pick up a pack of them. They're not exactly expensive at 17p a pack. I told him I didn't have a plan to which his reply was along the lines of well of course you wouldn't even tell me if you did and would deny having one any way wouldn't you? To which I could only agree with him. And I haven't got a plan. Just the feeling that it's something I need to do as I can't go on like this anymore. I explained that I didn't feel I could continue like I was and I couldn't make any promises that I could continue to keep myself safe. He took that as me telling him I was going to OD and said he was concerned as he wasn't sure what he was going to do. he said he didn't want to arrange for MHA assessment but it didn't look as though I was leaving him much choice. He asked me if I wanted to come back in to hospital and I said no. But, on the Tuesday night I did make the effort to call crisis team first before I did anything. I think this clinched it for him so he said he wouldn't do anything on this occasion.
He said he had put quite a lot of thought in to what I had told him about what had happened that night when my Mum got really drunk and abusive towards me. He said he was quite concerned for me living in that kind of environment and he had thought about getting the Safeguarding team involved as he was concerned for my welfare. I was quite puzzled,shocked and a little bit angry by this. And I told him so. How can they on one hand say it's in my best interests to inform my parents of things (I can understand the life threatening but in the past it's even just been when I've cut) when I have explicitly said it will make things worse for me and why and then say they are considering me as a safeguarding referral?
So the appointment came to an end with us going in to the car park and him making me look him in the eye and promising that I'll see him again in two weeks. I said I couldn't make any promises but I would try my hardest.
So back to today. I got up at around 09.30am and just paced around the house. I tried to keep myself busy and distracted. But it wasn't really working. So I called the team I am under to try and speak to my CPN but she wasn't in and isn't until Tuesday. So I spoke to the duty worker. We spoke for about 15minutes and she said I needed to carry on distracting myself and we went over a list of activities that I could try and do and ones I had already done. She said she would speak to the crisis team and get back to me. She called back an hour later saying she had spoken to Dr T my consultant psych and he wanted to prescribe Quetiapine 25mg 2x a day a 4 day supply. This annoyed me. What use is that going to be. She talked me into going an picking it up from my GP surgery and I took the first dose with no affect at all. Neither the second dose. It's not going to work. If they're going to put me on that again it needs to be how it was before a dose of around 300mg once a day and for more than 4 bloody days! She kept calling me back every hour or so until she finished updating me with what was going on and that crisis team were going to call me this evening.
Come 17.15pm I get a phone call which I think it from crisis team but it's not. It's my psychologist. He said he had been concerned and wanted to see how I was doing. I am not sure if he knew what was going on, I don't think he did. I told him all about the urges still being massive and that I didn't want to live like this and I was sick of fighting it. He heard the dog in the background and asked who would look after her if I was successful in the OD and I said I had thought about it. Before it was the thing that was stopping me but now the more I think about it the more I think she would be ok for a couple of days. I would fill a few bowls up with food and water to make sure she was ok. As it's closer to my parents getting home the more and more stronger these urges are getting as it's less time she would be on her own for. He said this was not a good thing to be saying. He asked me if I would come back in to hospital and he thought it would be a good idea while I was on my own. I said there was no way that was going to happen. I am not going back to that place. He was trying to talk me in to it but I wasn't budging on my decision. In the end he wanted to get crisis team to come out and see me as he wasn't sure I was going to be ok and I told him I was waiting for them to get back to me anyway as I had spoken to the duty worker today and she was getting them involved. It said he didn't know this as he had not been down to see that team today. I thought it would have all been on RIO in my notes though. He kept telling me it will get better but it won't if I am dead. Again I didn't tell him my theory on this. Just that I don't believe it will get better. And even if it did sooner or later, and probably sooner I will end up back where I am now!
So crisis team called at about 7pm and quite honestly they were useless again. Although I am not sure what else they can offer me. All they talked about were distraction techniques and what I should be doing. I felt deflated yet again by them as nothing practical was offered. I ended up calling them back at about 20.45pm and saying I had tried the techniques but they just weren't working and all I got was she will call me back tomorrow and to persevere with it. They have made an appointment to come see me on Sunday. But again I am not sure what they can do for me.
So I'll probably have another long night ahead of me pacing the house and smoking like a chimney resisting the urge to swallow a load of pills. I really can't handle this. I need something to knock me out.