Thursday, 25 October 2012


So I last left off worried the police would be looking for me. They were! About 10mins after writing there came a big knock at the door and 2 lovely in every which way policemen came in.

We talked a bit about what happened earlier and how I was feeling now. They said they wouldn't be leaving me alone in the house so my options were going to a friends (which I didn't want to explain why the police had brought me and why I couldn't be alone)), go to the ed which I said I wouldn't do as my next door neighbour is top consultant there and can't risk her seeing me, or putting me on a 136 and going to the 136suite.

I said I wouldn't do any and lots of phone calls were made as they didn't want to leave me but I was in my own home, calm and collected in had nothing to arrest me on. I spoke the girl at 136 I've met a number of times and told her I was feeling. I said that while I was still having massive urges they weren't as bad as before when I was at the bridge. I was lying I just wanted the police to go and me to get some rest as by then they'd been at my house about 1.5 Hours.

They still weren't happy when I'd spoken to 136 and given assurance I'd call back if things got worse. In the end they managed to talk me into going to the 136. They kept saying I was doing the best thing although it wasn't technically a legal 1 as I was in my own home and willing they said I hadn't been willing and had got me while I was out Front having a cig.

So, another mental assessment. This time it was the AMHP who sectioned me the first time back in august 2011. I didn't know the others. Got asked the usual questions I replied with honest answers and said I wasn't sure if could keep myself safe. I wasn't. He also told me he'd spoken to my nearest relatives about what was going on and they were coming back off their holiday because of me. So I was quite upset.

In the end they let me go but can't remember what they said to me. I got home and the first thing I did was take a massive od of my prescription pills. I did this and got into bed. I actually believed being as though tricylic kind it was dangerous and would work well. Next thing I know I'm being woken up by banging on my balcony window. My brother had been called from my parents, told the situation and been told to go round babysit me. He'd climbed onto a wheelie bin, onto my dad's van to get a ladder, over a 7foot tall locked gate to get up to my balcony. I'd had my headphones in so didn't hear the door downstairs.

I said all I wanted to do was sleep and not talk but he said he'd not be going anywhere and would be downstairs when I decided to go down. From here all I've got are flashes of memory.

I remember going downstairs and seeing the dog so I knew parents were back. I was out side on my hands and knees looking for my car keys cos I was worried I dropped them and we'd get broken in to. I'd tried the back door and it was locked. So I had have to have done it somehow. Then my mum shouting if anyone was there and I came forward.  We went back in the house and I'd been asked if I'd been drinking. The experience was exactly like it. I told them I hadn't so they figured out the od bit for themselves.

I remember my dad calling an ambulance and me walking out to it. Then the ambulance man asking one of my parents to come and both said no. Then I have memory of them taking my watch off and the next thing I know I'm waking up on the ward attached to a heart machine. They said I'd been quite poorly and they couldn't get me to regain consciousness.

I was still quite ill the rest of the day hearing and seeing things and thinking I'd done something to open my eyes to be in the same place still.

I remember my CPN coming along with a woman from the DPM. They said they thought I needed to be in hospital again. I said I didn't want to so she said she was going to have to arrange another assessmentt then. She said if I told them what I'd told her they wouldn't let me go. So long story short I've agreed to another informal admission back on to the ward I was on before. Just waiting on a bed at moment so they've kept me on medical ward until it's freed up which should be today at some point.

I'm really going to make an effort for them to help me. Try not to self harm and do all they tell me etc.

Wish me luck.

No comments: