We talked about childhood mainly school and also crying again.
He said in all the time we had been working together we had never really talked about school. He wondered if that was because I avoided it (like I do most things that make me feel shit or are hard) or if there was not a lot to talk about.
I told him how when I went to secondary school I used to get teachers making comparisons between me and my brothers. I would get asked which brother I was going to be like, the one who went off to Oxford Uni or the one who was a trouble maker and expelled. I said how it annoyed me as why couldn't I just be me and taken for who I was. Why did I have to be like one of my brothers?
I also said how I was bullied a bit in year 7 by 2 lads I went to primary school with. I told him how they used to push me around and it upset me quite a bit. I would come home from school and run up to my room and break down in tears. I said I was the one who ended up getting in to trouble about it as when nothing was done about it I was told to fight back and I did. This ended in the lad falling over and ripping his trousers and me getting in to trouble as even though they were bullying me, nothing was done so I stood up for myself. He asked how it was dealt with by my parents and if they ever sat down and talked to me about it. I said not. He asked how I felt all about it now and I said it didn't bother me. It was just one of those things. While it bothered me at the time, it has not been something that I have dwelt on since. It was just one of those things.
He wanted to know about my friends when I was in primary school and I told him how I went to a really small school with only around 100 kids in and I had one best friend and many other friends. So he thought he was on to something when I said about how small my primary school was and I moved in to a school that was based over 2 sites with around 1000 kids in. I said the whole transition was fine and there were no issues. He kept questioning my saying it was fine as he said he didn't know with me when I said things were fine whether I actually meant they were fine or if I was really saying it was awful but I am avoiding talking about it so I am saying it was fine.
He asked me how other people would have described me in primary school and I said they would probably say that I didn't concentrate, didn't fully apply myself, talked too much and was quite emotional. So he wanted to know more about me being emotional. I said it stopped when I got to about 8 or 9 as I got this thing about crying in front of other people. He asked what it was and I said I just can't do it. I can't do crying. I said from a very early age I didn't like crying in front of people as I didn't want people to think I wasn't in control or that I was losing control. And I have feelings of shame when I cry. I said I had a memory of when my dog died when I was about 7. I said how I didn't cry about it in front of anyone until I went to bed that night. I remembered telling my friend about it and her crying and me holding back the tears.
He asked how my parents would be when I was crying and if they would comfort me. I suppose they did. I don't know. I can't remember. The only thing I could really think of was how they were with my nephews when they cry. The oldest is 4 and sometimes has tantrums and cries. But they mock him quite a bit to make him feel embarrassed about crying. Saying things like how he is starting school in a few weeks and people will laugh at him for crying over something small. I wondered if they had done this to me and that is where my not wanting to cry comes from. That as a child if I cried over nothing I was told I was being silly and people were looking at me. Like they do with my nephew. I get that he needs to stop having these tantrums and this is an effective way of getting him to stop. But I do wonder if they had done that with me and I then took it to mean that showing all emotion was silly and that I should be embarrassed for doing so.
But, is not crying a big thing? It is really detrimental? I do it when I am pissed and I do cry at silly fictional things, or acts of kindness that I read about. Or even a film synopsis if that sounds sad. So it is not like I don't have any emotion. Just that I don't have it about real things. Probably as I avoid thinking about it.
I explained that now I feel I am walking a very thin line and something is going to happen where I lose control and I am trying to contain it. I said that the only time I have had reprieve from this has been after nearly killing myself and when I have been on the psych wards, it is as though the worst has happened and I can finally relax, but then it builds up again and I am constantly fighting the urges etc. But I feel it's only a matter of time before something happens again. Not just something internal, but external also. But most of the time it has been internal.
We kind of skirted over my past a bit in terms of the money and the people I slept with from a young age. He mentioned that it was not something I have really talked about. I said that was probably because of the way it made me feel, in that I was ashamed by it and so felt really uncomfortable talking about it.
He asked me how I had found the appointment today. I told him I had found it really tough as it had brought back a lot of memories. He was quite surprised with my answer. He thought I was going to say it was pointless. I was really against going in to my childhood as I couldn't see any problems really. But, I know we have only done 2 sessions on it so far, but I can see why talking about it is important and I am starting to make a few links.
I think this may work. Hopefully. But at the same time, I am worried it is going to change my feelings towards my family. I am worried about that.
I am seeing him again next Monday. It is now weekly appointments. I also see my consultant PDoc Dr T tomorrow, which I am looking forward to like a hole in the head and I see my CPN on Friday. But I get a new tattoo on Wednesday. I'll upload a pic when it's done.