Well the Psychology session on Monday 17th was mostly spent talking about the meeting I would have at uni the next day. I told him how nervous I was about it and so he coached me through that really. I can't remember many details from it as it was over a week ago.
I also talked to him about how I was feeling quite a bit better and he wondered if it had to do with our session the week before talking about my growing up. He said he knew I didn't want to talk about it as I didn't see much point, but seeing me talk about it and hearing me it became apparent that there were problems that I had from when I was growing up. I said I wasn't sure if it was that but I couldn't attribute it to anything. I told him how that when I felt good I always had at the back of my mind that it won't be long before I hit bottom again and I worry about it quite a bit. He reassured me that that was pretty normal and that I needed to make sure that I didn't let small unimportant things affect me. I said I wouldn't as I wasn't a very reactive person anyway.
So on to Tuesday last week. I went in to uni to meet with my course director. That stressed me out so much. I was so nervous about going and really on edge over it. It didn't go quite how I expected it to go. I thought it would just be a matter of having this meeting with her and my psychologist and him saying that he thought I would be ok to go back. But no. That is not the case. I have to go to this meeting in a few weeks with the course director and psychologist. After that he has to write a report saying whether or not he thinks I am ok to go back. I then have to write a report as does the course director. This then goes to a fitness to practice panel, a meeting with the course director, placement director, course leader, a representative from my city council and another representative from the city council of the next city. They then make a recommendation after questioning me and going through the evidence. This recommendation then goes to the practice assessment panel, and then to the exam board. I have so many hoops to jump through. I didn't realise it was going to be so stressful. And the exam board doesn't meet until the end of September so I am not going to have a definite answer until then. This throws a lot out of sync also. It means I won't be able to have any support over my dissertation over the summer. Which puts me at a disadvantage in some ways. It is supposed to be due in in January. But the course director said because I wouldn't be getting the same support I would be given an extension until August time to give me the same opportunities as other students.
This makes me feel a bit shit as I wanted to get it out the way and all handed in. There is not too much point me working too hard on it at the moment as I don't want to go in the wrong direction with it and have done work that is not relevant.
I must admit after the meeting I got quite pessimistic and had a why bother attitude thinking that there was no way I was going to be getting back on the course so why should I put myself through the stress and turmoil only to be turned down. So activating the Failure schema and sending it in to overdrive. Now, while I feel shit about it, I feel that I will try and I will keep trying until I get back on. I was told if I didn't get back on I would be able to carry my credits forward and start from where I have left off, but I would lose all my funding. So I would have to pay around £4000 in fees and also lose out on my bursary of around £500 a month. So I would have quite an outlay if I were to do it that way, so it's in my best interests to get back as soon as possible. Well, in September as this is the last chance I have to do it and still be funded to do it.
So the appointment I had yesterday with the Psychologist we talked mainly about the appointment at uni and he was coaching me again and testing me out with what I would say to the questions they may ask me. It was quite tough and I found it uncomfortable. It made it clear how much I need to prepare for these meetings I have coming up. He has told me I need to go away and do some reading and how I need to tell them how I am doing things different at the moment and what will be different from last time when I go back and how I will deal with the stress of the course. So he has given me quite a lot to think about.
It was my birthday yesterday. I was 29. It was quite an emotional day for me. Saturday evening I had some friends over and had a party which was lovely. I had a lovely night and had lots of fun. Was a bit annoyed at my brother who came who was incredibly drunk and falling all over the place and then kept wanting to get in to a heart to heart about serious stuff which I really didn't want to talk about and start bringing me down. But other than that I had a really nice night.Was hanging the next day, but I managed to get out and try running (failed).
So yesterday. I don't know why but I always get quite emotional at birthdays and Christmas. But yesterday was quite hard for me. I was quite hurt by my brother. He didn't call, text or message me at all. His partner wrote a quick message on my facebook wall, but he was either ignoring it or totally forgot. But being as though his partner (although soon to be ex so I am not sure how much talking they are actually doing) sent me a message, I thought she would have mentioned it to him. But no. Nothing. No acknowledgement, nothing. I am really hurt by it. I know he is pissed off with me at the moment as of when he came round after the police were here as I wouldn't go to the hospital. He has not contacted me since. I saw him briefly on Sunday when he was round at my parents and we barely talked. We were civil but we didn't have a conversation about anything. I am beyond hurt over it. But, you know what makes it worse. It was that I didn't want him to call me or anything. I actually turned my phone off. I never turn my phone off. It is an extended limb. Why? Because, I thought if he didn't make any effort to contact me it gives me a reason to be mad at him and hurt by him. Before it was my doing. It was my being ill, self harming etc that was causing problems. He called me selfish and had a massive go at me. But, now, I have a reason to be hurt and mad. I'm crazy aren't I?
We used to be really close and he was the person I turned to when I had a problem with anything. After I broke up with my ex it was him I called first and him I moved in with when I moved out of the ex's house. We used to be really open with each other. But not now. For the whole year I was in hospital, he must have only visited about 4 or 5 times. If that. He lived 2 minutes away. I am so hurt by him. Really. I am actually crying as I write this and I don't do crying. Not unless drunk or at some stupid thing on the TV.
I went out for a meal with my parents last night for my birthday, they kept asking me if I was ok and I just kept saying how tired I was as the neighbour was keeping me up at night at the moment. I didn't want them to know how hurt I was as I didn't want them telling him and then him ringing me out of pity/duty. My Mum asked me if he had contacted me yesterday and I said not. She said that she wouldn't as if he had forgot then he would feel bad the next day. I just said along the lines of that it's understandable if he has forgotten as his mind is probably elsewhere at the moment. I didn't want her to know just how hurt I was.
So that has brought me out of the good mood a bit. I feel quite crap. But I am trying to not let it make me feel depressed or self harm over it. I have always been quite good with the self harm as in not doing it in a reaction to something. If that makes sense. But I was thinking yesterday about doing something, but what stopped me was I knew it would be in reaction to this.
So quite stressed, quite hurt. But I am trying to get on with it and not let it bring me back down in to depression.