Tuesday, 4 June 2013

An Awful Feeling.

I can't put my finger on why I feel like this or even what it is really. But I have this feeling of an impending sense of doom. That something really bad is going to happen. Something I either do to someone else or that something happens to me or those around me. I have been feeling like it for a while and I don't know why. It's making me feel really anxious and on edge.

I see my future and I don't know why but I see it with me being locked up. I don't have any plans to do anything, I don't want to do anything but I feel that something is there. Whether it be harming someone else or harming myself in some way.

This probably sounds really stupid and irrational. But it is a feeling I have and it's horrible. I don't really know if I should be mentioning it to someone as it is the type of thing that would be taken very seriously and would cause people to panic. I've never really felt like this before. I don't know why I am now.

The other night when that guy was here I had a really horrible, scary thought. I wanted to hurt him as he was really criticising me. I had it run through my head about what I could do and if I would be able to get away with it. I am not a violent person in the slightest. The only times I have done anything that would be classed as being violent would be when I have been provoked. OK, maybe not. I did hit my ex a couple of times before he hit me. It was when he made me so angry by laying in to me that I flipped. So, I don't actually know what I am capable of. That worries me quite a bit.

Today I went to CAB to discuss my debts. I didn't expect it to make me feel as awful as it did. She was really questioning me and it felt like an interrogation. I had to go in to great details about my debts and also my mental health problems and how this could have lead to me getting in to debt. She really scrutinised my income and outgoings. It was awful. She had quite a stand offish attitude and I came away feeling so shit about myself that I wished I hadn't have gone. I know I have been avoiding it for quite a while and it needs sorting as it is not going to go away. But I was made to feel really small. I don't really know which is the best way to go about them now. Whether or not I get a debt relief order or I make token payments of £1 a month to each of them which will never get rid of them. It's how the DRO will affect me in the long term which bothers me. I am not sure of how it will affect me and neither was the adviser I saw, so she wasn't really that helpful either.

Other than that horrible feeling and the appointment at CAB which left me feeling like crap I have not had an awful day. I walked about 3 miles around town and sat reading in the sun at different points over the city. I did get a bit sun burnt though and have come out in a heat rash. Next time I will have to get some sun lotion on. I am trying to get up at a reasonablish time and get out the flat. I don't have a garden but I do live next to probably the most prestige private area in the city which has lots of greens, I am also only a mile from the canal, a mile from a city park and a short walk to another area which is on hill that overlooks the city. So I am quite lucky really. It's just a shame that the downstairs neighbour continues to make my life a nightmare and full of anxiety.

Oh well, we can't have it all can we?

1 comment:

Sheri Weinberg said...

I hate when I get those feelings of impending doom. I think it's all part of how our damaged brains work (at least mine, anyway). Sometimes I wake up in complete panic that something awful will be happening. I think it's OK to have those somewhat violent feelings (at least in my opinion), as long as they're not acted upon. With all that you've been through I can't imagine your life without some kind of awful thoughts tearing through your tired and fed-up brain. Hang on, people like me are rooting for you!