I was talking to the Psychologist about going back to uni and I said I wasn't sure if I was ready to be going back. I talked about not having the confidence at the moment and I was not confident in my own abilities at all. I said it was all so recent what had happened, and that if I was them I would probably be saying I wasn't ready to go back. He said he was worried about what it would do to our relationship should he say I wasn't ready to go back. I told him not to worry about it as I would understand where he would be coming from, and part of me is already expecting that they will be saying no anyway. Although I didn't tell them him bit. Although I suppose I should have. We would talk about how it is activating a schema, probably the one of failure. Because I suppose that is what is in overdrive at the moment.
I don't see how he could actually say I am ready to go back. Ready to be put under that intense stress that comes with the course. From a professional point of view I wouldn't be saying I was ready to go back. It's only been 3 months since I came extremely close to killing myself. I just can't see how anyone could possibly say that I could cope at the moment and that I wouldn't be any risk to myself. It's only been around a month since I had the police knock down my door and nearly drag me off to the hospital and have everyone involved.
6 weeks ago the Psychiatrist even said he wouldn't be recommending I should be going back. He said he thought I shouldn't be doing anything that could cause me any stress as he doesn't think I can cope with it at the moment. And what is a few weeks? Can they really say any different in such a short space of time.
Yet, even after my saying I didn't actually think I was ready. On the way out the door the psychologist said to me along the lines of "for what it's worth, I think you're ready". So he has faith in me. But where the hell from. I have hardly shown anything over the last few weeks. I have told him I haven't self harmed the past two weeks. And I haven't. Although I have told him before I haven't and then have been, so I wouldn't blame him if he didn't believe me, I am not exactly renowned for telling the truth when it comes to my SH behaviours. I have also told him the last two weeks I have been feeling better. And I have been. But only a few weeks before that I had said to him that because I wanted to go back to uni so much that I would probably be saying I was ok and that I was ready to be going back, even when I'm not. So, how can they be expected to believe me? OK, I am not saying I think I am ready to go back and that I would be ok, I am saying near enough the opposite. But I am telling them I am feeling a lot better. And I am. Today, has not been a good day, granted. I have spent much of the day in tears, I haven't washed, I haven't left the house, I haven't been to the gym as planned and I have binged on chocolate. I need to make sure I get out tomorrow and go to do some exercise as it does make me feel better. It does make me wonder though that if the reason I was feeling better was because I was looking forward to my birthday and the plans I had with the girls and my mini party. And then now it's over I have just gone back to how I was before. With nothing to look forward to really. I hope not. I hope I was feeling better. But yesterday afternoon and today I have been very emotional. Crying and feeling shit. The self harm urges are massive, I really want to swallow something. The relief I get from that lasts longer than cutting, and I don't get the guilt after doing it, which is weird considering it is potentially life threatening, and I nearly died from swallowing before.
I don't think I want to die. I don't. Not at the moment. Yes, I have thoughts of it. But I don't think I want to. I was asked yesterday by the psychologist if I had had thoughts of it and I said not really. Just quick, fleeting thoughts that aren't really day dreamed about like I have done in the past.
But, really. My stress levels, while they are pretty up there at the moment as of the worry over these meetings with uni etc, they aren't as high as they are when I have the work piled up around me and deadlines looming. I have pretty much said to myself now that I am going to go out for a cig when I have finished this and if that doesn't relieve the urge any that it is ok to swallow something from my stash. So I am doing that now. How the hell am I going to cope with uni. I just can't see it happening. I really can't.