It went ok. We didn't actually do schema therapy. Well, I don't think we did. He asked if I had self harmed and I told him I blood let and the last time was on Sunday. He asked how I was feeling so I told him about the night before and that awful date. I wasn't really going to talk about it as, I was a bit embarrassed about it really. But we talked quite a bit about it and he said he was glad that I had done it as he knew it was something I was worried about doing. So I explained the reason why I had put myself out there again was because I was feeling a bit lonely as my friends aren't as available at the moment. He said it was good I was approaching that feeling rather than avoiding it and not doing anything about it.
I said it had upset me as it felt so personal and with everything that has been going off for me I couldn't help but take it personally. I said how my friends had said it was him and not me, yet even still I was second guessing myself over it. I also said how it had put me off and that I wasn't sure if I would do it again. He said I should and not to let that put me off meeting someone. He also acknowledged how much of a big thing for me it was to do what I did.
I didn't get around to telling him about the guy that emailed who knew so much about me as he went out with my friend.
So we talked mainly about what will happen in SFT. I told him how while I didn't remember much of my childhood and don't really have many memories and that I didn't really like how the SFT relates everything to the way in which you were brought up, for me, I find it quite important to find out where these schemas have originated from. I feel that it is the case that they come from childhood I want to know where and how. I feel it's important to know where they have come from so that they can be overcome.
So that got me on to talking about my childhood. I don't know how I got to it but I told him that it was when I was about 10 or 11 that I realised that my parents weren't normal in how much they drank. I used to think it was quite normal that my parents would be drinking a few bottles of wine a few nights a week. It wasn't until I spoke to my friends about it that I realised it wasn't. I told him how when I was really young I used to wake up to my parents screaming at each other and it used to scare me so I would start crying and shouting out for my Mum pretending I had had a nightmare just so that they would come to me and stop arguing. I told him how I would regularly come down stairs in the morning to find something smashed up, whether it be a few glasses, a stereo, a tv etc.
I told him how my eldest brother moved to my Nan's when he was about 17 as of the arguments between my Mum and Dad and how it had come to physical blows between my brother and Dad. And from this my Nan wouldn't speak to my Dad for a good couple of years.I said how my brother stayed with my Nan while he went away to Oxford to Uni. He asked how I felt that my brother went to Oxford and did I feel that I had expectations to live up to. He sort of hit a nerve and he noticed. I have never spoke to anyone about it before but it has been something that has bothered me. Not that my parents have ever said that I was a let down etc etc, but I do feel at times I am being unfavourably compared. That my Mum has said things a long the lines of how easy my brother has had it in terms of effort and that he puts so little in and comes out having done really well. Then she will say something like I have to work really hard and put loads of effort in and I only come out with average. The thing is, I did better than my brother in my G.C.S.E's, my A Levels, and we got the same on our degrees. A 2.2. She doesn't realise she is doing it but comments like that do really hurt.
I said how I thought I was probably being oversensitive to it and I felt stupid for having feelings like I did over it and it was just me being silly. But then he said that that was a typical schema and I needed to validate my own feelings and not internalise everything that happens to me as it being my own doing or that it is something innately wrong with me that was making me feel like that.
Then I went on to say how my other brother had been in a lot of trouble as he was expelled from 2 different schools. How he was done for drink driving and crashing the car that he stole from my Mum. How he never really settled in anything he did and just coasted from one thing to another.
We then talked about my Nan and how close I was to her and what a big part of my life she was to me. He asked me if I missed her and then I became all emotional. He said it was ok to cry and I said that I wouldn't. He asked me the last time I cried was. I explained how it was stupid as I could cry when drunk about stuff and I will cry at sad songs, sad books, films or even adverts. But in the cold light of day when it comes to real stuff I just don't cry. I hate people seeing me cry and I do all I can to avoid it. He said he was glad that I did cry at some things as he was a bit concerned that I didn't have any emotion at all. He said I needed to have a good cry to get all the pent up emotion out. The last time I cried that wasn't due to alcohol or something fictional was when I was on the psych ward about 2 months ago. I totally lost it and I didn't care who heard or saw me. I was a bit hysterical.
I also said how I felt I was going to be putting myself under a lot of pressure to go back to uni. That even if I knew I wasn't ready I would probably say I was just so I could go back. He said that wouldn't be helping anyone. I wish I hadn't have said that as he will be really on to me now about it. Although, I think he can read me pretty well so he will probably know if I am talking shit etc.
So considering I didn't really want to get in to my childhood I managed to talk quite a bit about it.
I am seeing him again Monday and will be doing now on a weekly basis. I don't know where we are going to start with the SFT. I have just read a book on it and it seems such a massive thing, there are so many areas that it encompasses and I know things are going to be hard, but hopefully it will be effective.