I am really nervous about it. It feels a bit weird after all that has gone on since last time I saw him and him getting my CPN involved. I know he had to and it's not as though I am angry at him or anything but he will probably want to talk about it.
I've got a couple of things I want to talk about with him. The first being that the suicidal thoughts are still as bad as ever and I am doing more to keep busy and trying to get into a routine. I am doing more so I have a sense of worth and purpose. I am going out each day to do the shopping and then cooking the family meal at night. I am running errands that need doing.
Before I was doing fuck all and some days not showering or getting dressed. At least if I am going out every day it is forcing me to get showered, dressed and put make-up on. I have enrolled on a singing course, which I started today. It was ok. It is all about building confidence and I read somewhere that singing releases endorphins and serotonin so thought it may be worth a shot.
I have also enrolled on a Mandarin course which I will start in a couple of weeks. And I have been looking at volunteering opportunities and have shown interest in a few. I will be starting to attend monthly meetings at one from next month and am trying to get references for another. It's a bit hard getting professional references when I have been in hospital for the last year so I haven't really got anyone to ask. So may have to knock that one on the head. Which disappoints me as is the one I was most interested in doing.
I have been to my local leisure centre and registered with them so that I can use their gym and classes as part of the whole exercise releases endorphins and serotonin etc, and it may make me feel better about myself if I can get fitter. I have been to spin class tonight which nearly killed me but it was good. Although the chocolate and popcorn I had when I got home kind of got rid of the point in doing it. And, I am joining a badminton group so I will be playing at least once a week, maybe more if I can get my friends to play with me. Which they should do as they enjoy a game also.
Finally I have joined a reading club. Maybe a bit geeky, but I love reading and I think it may be nice to meet new people who also have similar interests as me and to get together over a glass of wine and chat about the book.
I have tried to plan things so that I will be doing something every day. Something to ensure that I get out of bed, get showered, put make-up on and get out the house. I am also trying to get myself excited about my trip to Asia next year by trying to get quotes on flights and making it a bit more realistic, but even when I got a price which was cheaper than I thought it would be, it's still not doing much for me.
Yet, despite me being quite busy for the last week or so I am still feeling as bad as I was before. The thoughts are really strong and they keep me awake at night. I lie there imagining and playing out scenarios of my own death in my head. The psychologist wants me to talk about these tomorrow and I am not sure how I feel about it as it all seems very personal and I don't know if I can be that open and go in to that much detail. I also have the worry that it may go further or worry people. I think it's pretty obvious I am not coping well out of hospital and I am worried that they will want me to go back in.
I think I am quite stressed at the moment also. This is mainly to do with my mum's drinking. It's getting out of hand. There was last Wednesday when there was that incident which I wrote about, then they go to the pub again on Thursday night (which I later had a go at my Dad about), Friday night another couple of bottles of wine even though they were looking after the kids, Saturday night they went to a party which my Dad came home from as my Mum started getting argumentative and paranoid and spoiling for a fight. When he got home he told me the same thing had happened the night before also. Sunday they had another couple bottles of wine. Monday a night off. Tuesday night (last night) I hear her fall over downstairs after drinking more wine and a massive argument this morning where my Dad was shouting at her about her behaviour as she was obviously doing the same thing last night. My Dad said she needs to accept that he thought she had left him permanently, and to be fair to him it looked like that. Spending thousands of pounds on furniture and moving out (taking a years lease on a property). I didn't her the argument last night, I don't know how as I don't think I would have been asleep that long before it kicked off. Unless my Dad knowing what was likely to happen went in the front bedroom which I can't hear from my room. It's ridiculous. I hate the tension there is when they have been drinking. I said to my Dad Saturday night why the hell did he agree to go to the pub knowing what happens when she drinks too much and after a massive kick off the night before.
I went out on Sunday for dinner with my friend and my phone rung. I knew before I answered it it would be them asking me to stop and get wine on the way home. My friend laughed at me when I said this but then when it turned out to be true she kind of got where I was coming from. I was saying to her I don't like it when they drink as I don't know what I am going to be walking in to. I can't control it and it's the uncertainty.
I briefly mentioned it to my OT worker on Tuesday saying I thought that there was an alcohol problem and she gave me a couple of options. One was to move out, to which I said I can't as I want to go back to uni next year and can't afford uni and to be renting somewhere. I am also a bit reluctant to spend money on furniture and setting up house if I am to leave it a few months later to move back home when starting uni. Also I can't go travelling if I move out which as I said before I believe it was the prospect of this that got me out of hospital as I was no longer so blind sighted by one thing and if that didn't happen my whole world would have fallen apart. Again. Another option was to talk to my Mum about her behaviour and tell her that it was upsetting and stressful for me and was not a positive thing in my recovery. She said that this could be done by just me on my own or arranging family mediation possibly with the psychologist. I said that this would just make things worse for me as I would be called selfish and would just further her opinions of me that I am weak minded, emotionally unstable and mental. So in the end she said I needed to find someway of dealing with it all as the event made me want to self harm even more and the only reason I didn't was because of the environmental constraints, not because I stopped myself from doing so. She said that this would probably build up until a time when I can self harm and it will be serious. She is probably right. She said the best way of dealing with it would be to speak to my psychologist about it and come up with some ways. So this is another thing I will be speaking to him about tomorrow.
I've got quite a lot to take in to the appointment tomorrow. So at least when he asks me what I want to talk about I don't just say "I don't know". I'm so conscious of it as it seems to come out of my mouth a hell of a lot. He'll ask me a question and I'll just reply with "I don't know". I must drive every one mad with it. It's my catchphrase.
Anyway. I'm tired, cold and need a cig. So fag and bed it is.
xxx
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Friday, 14 September 2012
Follow Up From The Phone Call
So the CPN called me back today and had quite a long conversation with her. The most important thing that came out of it was that she said she wasn't going to inform my parents. Well, the psychologist wouldn't inform my parents because being as though it was him I disclosed it to it would have been him that would have had to have done it.
I basically told her that I had been to the ED, waited ages to see a doc to just be told that it was so long ago that it would have passed by now and if it was going to have done anything it would have done by now. And that was it. No follow up. No questions asked. I could have probably got away with not going and said I had.
We had a bit of a chat about the breaking confidentiality thing and I said I was pissed off as if I lived on my own it wouldn't even be an issue and they wouldn't even consider telling anyone else if I had done something. I said to her that if anything happens again in the future it now means I wont be talking to anyone about it and she said that was my choice and they are aware that it would affect the therapeutic relationship I have with everyone.
I didn't go into detail about what happened Wednesday night but skirted over the subject and mentioned that that was another reason I couldn't have them breaking confidentiality and she said I should move out if I felt like that and they could help me with tenancy support etc. She said there were other options like talking to my Mum about how her behaviour affects me and I said that I honestly thought that this would make it worse and would be a waste of time. Also, I have to think about going to uni again. If I am going back next year I need to be living at home as I won't get any support with rent once I am a student again. So if I move out, I can't be at uni. There is also the issue that there is some safety net with living at home. On some level it's keeping me safe. Well, safer than I would be living on my own where I am not being watched. I know if I lived on my own I would get into a spiral where I sleep 16 hours a day, self harm most nights and go back to attempting every weekend again like it was in 2007-2008. The CPN said I'm hardly keeping myself safe at the moment anyway so I need to think about it. Part of me wants to move out just so I have the freedom to do what I want in terms of self harm. Hardly a healthy way of looking at it.
In the end we agreed I would discuss all my options with the psychologist when I see him on Thursday. Beth will have probably written notes about our conversation which he will have read and I will be able to go over everything with him when I see him. I sometimes feel that seeing him once a fortnight isn't enough. But being as though he is not supposed to be seeing me at all I don't feel that I can ask for more. He is the inpatient psychologist and I am a special case because no one I have worked with so far has been able to get anywhere with me and we have a good relationship. So I suppose I need to feel lucky that he is even seeing me at all. Especially when there are waiting lists as long as your arm to get in with a psychologist.
So I will be grateful and take all I can get from them as the one thing I am happy with is the psychologist.
xxx
I basically told her that I had been to the ED, waited ages to see a doc to just be told that it was so long ago that it would have passed by now and if it was going to have done anything it would have done by now. And that was it. No follow up. No questions asked. I could have probably got away with not going and said I had.
We had a bit of a chat about the breaking confidentiality thing and I said I was pissed off as if I lived on my own it wouldn't even be an issue and they wouldn't even consider telling anyone else if I had done something. I said to her that if anything happens again in the future it now means I wont be talking to anyone about it and she said that was my choice and they are aware that it would affect the therapeutic relationship I have with everyone.
I didn't go into detail about what happened Wednesday night but skirted over the subject and mentioned that that was another reason I couldn't have them breaking confidentiality and she said I should move out if I felt like that and they could help me with tenancy support etc. She said there were other options like talking to my Mum about how her behaviour affects me and I said that I honestly thought that this would make it worse and would be a waste of time. Also, I have to think about going to uni again. If I am going back next year I need to be living at home as I won't get any support with rent once I am a student again. So if I move out, I can't be at uni. There is also the issue that there is some safety net with living at home. On some level it's keeping me safe. Well, safer than I would be living on my own where I am not being watched. I know if I lived on my own I would get into a spiral where I sleep 16 hours a day, self harm most nights and go back to attempting every weekend again like it was in 2007-2008. The CPN said I'm hardly keeping myself safe at the moment anyway so I need to think about it. Part of me wants to move out just so I have the freedom to do what I want in terms of self harm. Hardly a healthy way of looking at it.
In the end we agreed I would discuss all my options with the psychologist when I see him on Thursday. Beth will have probably written notes about our conversation which he will have read and I will be able to go over everything with him when I see him. I sometimes feel that seeing him once a fortnight isn't enough. But being as though he is not supposed to be seeing me at all I don't feel that I can ask for more. He is the inpatient psychologist and I am a special case because no one I have worked with so far has been able to get anywhere with me and we have a good relationship. So I suppose I need to feel lucky that he is even seeing me at all. Especially when there are waiting lists as long as your arm to get in with a psychologist.
So I will be grateful and take all I can get from them as the one thing I am happy with is the psychologist.
xxx
The Telephone Call Came
So Beth the CPN called me today. I thought I had got away with it. She started by saying that the cutting and blood letting weren't serious but the swallowing stuff was. Because of that she was going to have to break confidentiality and inform my parents as I was living in their care and it wouldn't be right if any thing happened and they had known and nothing had been done about it. She said she was worried that if it killed me and my parents had found out that services had known that my parents would say they should have been informed. Queue big panic and begging. She said she had not made the decision on her own but had spoken to senior social workers, senior doctors and other staff about it and was a team decision they felt was in my best interests.
As a last ditch attempt I said I would go to hospital to get checked out if it meant she wouldn't inform anyone and she said that this would be ok. So tonight, I have spent 5 hours at the ED waiting to see a doctor to be told in a very nice way (and no for once I am not being sarcastic, he was nice and listened to me) that because it was 3 weeks ago there was no point in x-raying me as by now it would have passed through me and if it hadn't it would have caused damage by now so they wouldn't waste their time and my time by making me go for x-ray for it to show nothing. He asked me a lot of questions about my health over the past few weeks and he was happy and apologetic for having me wait 5 hours to see him to be told in 5 minutes that basically I was right and hadn't really needed to go in.
I'm still not happy though. I don't think this will be good enough for her. I think she wants an x-ray with proof. I spoke to the doctor at the ED a bit about why I had come down so long after and her saying she was going to break confidentiality. He seemed quite angry on my behalf saying she couldn't do that even though I lived at home and they were my next of kin/nearest relative/carers. I need more clarification on this. I doubt it, but do any mental health prof bods read this or anyone who knows quite a bit of info on this area and can give me guidance? I am going to have to tell her what the doc said. The thing is because of patient confidentiality the ED won't give my medical details to anyone else. So even if she called up they wouldn't be able to tell her anything so she will just have to take my word on it. I wonder if they could at least confirm if I attended the ED? So even though I attended the ED and did what I said I would, I can't see her keeping to her side. I suspect even though I did this she will still tell my parents.
I really don't have a good relationship with her as a CPN. And now even how can I feel I can be open and honest about what has been going on and how I feel with the psychologist when he will report back to her or put it in my notes which she has access to.
I feel let down. I probably shouldn't but I can't help feeling that way. I don't feel let down by the psychologist, I don't think I do anyway. But yet again, the by the CPN. I've spent a very anxious 5 hours of today in the ED. I hate the place. It was busy, noisy and not what I needed on top of what happened last night!
Last night was awful. My mum got wasted. I was in bed and she stormed into my room. I told her to get out as I wasn't going to talk to her while she was pissed so she left but didn't close the door. I closed it which she didn't like so came storming back in shouting loads of abuse at me. I screamed for her to get out my face, that she should go to bed as she was making a fool of her self and she was looking after the kids in the morning. This didn't go down well so she starts screaming at me more and looks as though she is going to hit me. So I grab her by the arm and guide her out and stand holding my door closed while she is trying to break it down shouting loads of abuse at me saying things like you're mental, you have no responsibility etc etc. This wakes my Dad up who shouts at her as what she is saying to me is uncalled for and she starts laying in to him saying everyone fucks around. He fucked someone else (it wasn't really an affair as my Mum had actually left him at the time and it was while she was moved out of the house, not sure if I have talked about it before) and I fuck everyone. Not really sure what she meant by this. I could hear her shouting at him about me saying how she'd come to see me while I was in hospital and basically horrible derogatory things about me. I got an apology this morning, which is more than usual when she gets like that but if I am honest it was a shit apology. The thing is with me I can't stay angry at people. So within 30minutes of her being up things were back to normal.
I was beside myself but I wasn't going to let her see. My Dad came to see if I was ok and I didn't even let him know I was upset. I think they both have alcohol problems. My Mum probably more than my Dad. He jokes and says he only drinks to stop my Mum drinking it all. And, if I am honest I can see some truth in this. As I have done it myself when she has come back with 2 bottles of wine. Also, although he is an annoying drunk, he tends to just fall asleep after a while. My Mum on the other hand is another kettle of fish. When we came back from Europe we came back with over 30 bottles of wine. Within 8 days that was down to 8 left. Two weeks later there is none left.
I have said to the psychologist and other staff in the past that I knew the day would come where it would be thrown in my face and I would be made to feel like shit. That I would be made to feel as though I was the biggest disappointment and had let everyone down by daring to have mental health problems. I don't think they got what I was on about but I think last night illustrates it perfectly.
This is another reason I don't want the CPN telling my parents anything as it just adds more fuel to the fire. Do I make sense? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I being over sensitive to things?
And then tonight. They even after last night. They both go out drinking to the pub. I made sure I got into bed well before they got back so I wouldn't have to face them. Luckily though it sounds as though they have gone to bed with no dramas. But honestly though, if I was my Dad I would have suggested a night in tonight. I feel sorry for him how she laid in to him, and he said it happens quite a lot. But why encourage drinking?
That's all from me anyway.
Night
xxxx
As a last ditch attempt I said I would go to hospital to get checked out if it meant she wouldn't inform anyone and she said that this would be ok. So tonight, I have spent 5 hours at the ED waiting to see a doctor to be told in a very nice way (and no for once I am not being sarcastic, he was nice and listened to me) that because it was 3 weeks ago there was no point in x-raying me as by now it would have passed through me and if it hadn't it would have caused damage by now so they wouldn't waste their time and my time by making me go for x-ray for it to show nothing. He asked me a lot of questions about my health over the past few weeks and he was happy and apologetic for having me wait 5 hours to see him to be told in 5 minutes that basically I was right and hadn't really needed to go in.
I'm still not happy though. I don't think this will be good enough for her. I think she wants an x-ray with proof. I spoke to the doctor at the ED a bit about why I had come down so long after and her saying she was going to break confidentiality. He seemed quite angry on my behalf saying she couldn't do that even though I lived at home and they were my next of kin/nearest relative/carers. I need more clarification on this. I doubt it, but do any mental health prof bods read this or anyone who knows quite a bit of info on this area and can give me guidance? I am going to have to tell her what the doc said. The thing is because of patient confidentiality the ED won't give my medical details to anyone else. So even if she called up they wouldn't be able to tell her anything so she will just have to take my word on it. I wonder if they could at least confirm if I attended the ED? So even though I attended the ED and did what I said I would, I can't see her keeping to her side. I suspect even though I did this she will still tell my parents.
I really don't have a good relationship with her as a CPN. And now even how can I feel I can be open and honest about what has been going on and how I feel with the psychologist when he will report back to her or put it in my notes which she has access to.
I feel let down. I probably shouldn't but I can't help feeling that way. I don't feel let down by the psychologist, I don't think I do anyway. But yet again, the by the CPN. I've spent a very anxious 5 hours of today in the ED. I hate the place. It was busy, noisy and not what I needed on top of what happened last night!
Last night was awful. My mum got wasted. I was in bed and she stormed into my room. I told her to get out as I wasn't going to talk to her while she was pissed so she left but didn't close the door. I closed it which she didn't like so came storming back in shouting loads of abuse at me. I screamed for her to get out my face, that she should go to bed as she was making a fool of her self and she was looking after the kids in the morning. This didn't go down well so she starts screaming at me more and looks as though she is going to hit me. So I grab her by the arm and guide her out and stand holding my door closed while she is trying to break it down shouting loads of abuse at me saying things like you're mental, you have no responsibility etc etc. This wakes my Dad up who shouts at her as what she is saying to me is uncalled for and she starts laying in to him saying everyone fucks around. He fucked someone else (it wasn't really an affair as my Mum had actually left him at the time and it was while she was moved out of the house, not sure if I have talked about it before) and I fuck everyone. Not really sure what she meant by this. I could hear her shouting at him about me saying how she'd come to see me while I was in hospital and basically horrible derogatory things about me. I got an apology this morning, which is more than usual when she gets like that but if I am honest it was a shit apology. The thing is with me I can't stay angry at people. So within 30minutes of her being up things were back to normal.
I was beside myself but I wasn't going to let her see. My Dad came to see if I was ok and I didn't even let him know I was upset. I think they both have alcohol problems. My Mum probably more than my Dad. He jokes and says he only drinks to stop my Mum drinking it all. And, if I am honest I can see some truth in this. As I have done it myself when she has come back with 2 bottles of wine. Also, although he is an annoying drunk, he tends to just fall asleep after a while. My Mum on the other hand is another kettle of fish. When we came back from Europe we came back with over 30 bottles of wine. Within 8 days that was down to 8 left. Two weeks later there is none left.
I have said to the psychologist and other staff in the past that I knew the day would come where it would be thrown in my face and I would be made to feel like shit. That I would be made to feel as though I was the biggest disappointment and had let everyone down by daring to have mental health problems. I don't think they got what I was on about but I think last night illustrates it perfectly.
This is another reason I don't want the CPN telling my parents anything as it just adds more fuel to the fire. Do I make sense? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I being over sensitive to things?
And then tonight. They even after last night. They both go out drinking to the pub. I made sure I got into bed well before they got back so I wouldn't have to face them. Luckily though it sounds as though they have gone to bed with no dramas. But honestly though, if I was my Dad I would have suggested a night in tonight. I feel sorry for him how she laid in to him, and he said it happens quite a lot. But why encourage drinking?
That's all from me anyway.
Night
xxxx
Friday, 7 September 2012
Waiting By The Phone
I am now over paranoid. Even though Psychologist called me this morning. I was waiting for a phone call as I expected it to come even if he hadn't told me he'd be in contact. He said he had been in contact with a friend of his who works in the ED and he said that his friend had said what I had basically said. That it was 2 weeks ago when I last swallowed anything and if it was going to cause any damage it probably would have done by now and by all likely accounts they would have passed through my system by now. So I didn't really need to go to hospital unless I started to experience any pain or problems.
I should have asked him if he had spoken to Beth my CPN as she is the one I am most worried about. I am half expecting her to call me and I am getting paranoid about it. I am worrying what she will say or do. I don't know why I didn't. The call coming from the psychologist kind of threw me off balance a bit as I was expecting it to be Beth and I was watching the kids while I was on the phone and my Mum was just upstairs.
On another note, I went to visit my GP this morning to get some meds. He said he was really pleased to see me as it had been a long time and was nice to see me out of hospital and that he hoped that this time it was for good. Then he went on to say how it had made his day seeing me...bless.
If I've not heard anything by the end of the day I doubt that I will. I am seeing OT next week and hopefully they can help me with routine and getting motivated. I just can't seem to do it myself. Going out for dinner with a friend later at least so it gets me out and is something to do at least. It should go well.
xxxx
I should have asked him if he had spoken to Beth my CPN as she is the one I am most worried about. I am half expecting her to call me and I am getting paranoid about it. I am worrying what she will say or do. I don't know why I didn't. The call coming from the psychologist kind of threw me off balance a bit as I was expecting it to be Beth and I was watching the kids while I was on the phone and my Mum was just upstairs.
On another note, I went to visit my GP this morning to get some meds. He said he was really pleased to see me as it had been a long time and was nice to see me out of hospital and that he hoped that this time it was for good. Then he went on to say how it had made his day seeing me...bless.
If I've not heard anything by the end of the day I doubt that I will. I am seeing OT next week and hopefully they can help me with routine and getting motivated. I just can't seem to do it myself. Going out for dinner with a friend later at least so it gets me out and is something to do at least. It should go well.
xxxx
Thursday, 6 September 2012
Psychology Today
Well, I told him everything. Hopefully things will work out ok, but at the end of the day it comes down to my CPN who he said he has to inform. He said he was worried that I hadn't been to hospital for the swallowed objects and asked me if I would consider going to the ED for an x-ray to which I said no. He came straight out and asked me if I wanted to die and I said it was something I had been thinking a lot about recently. He asked if I had made any plans and I told him that I did have one but not any more. I kept saying how I didn't want to go back in to hospital and he said he didn't think it would be best for my recovery, whether or not Beth agrees with him, and it's her decision, who knows.
I told him about the thoughts being on a loop and always being there no matter what I do and I am finding I can't live like it. He said it's because I don't have any routine and I am not doing anything. He said I need to fill my time so that the thoughts can be turned down a little. I explained how even when I was busy they were there and then were just worse when I got in to bed at night and I kept playing out scenarios in my head of how I could end everything. He has some point that the less I do the less I feel like doing anything. But, I don't really have an awful lot to do. He said by next time he sees me he wants to have seen me making more of an effort with getting in to a routine and doing little things each day like getting up at the same time, taking the dog for a walk, looking in to voluntary work. At least now I have the use of a car so I can go to some places. I drove to the appointment today and is the first time in nearly a year since I drove. I loved it. It's such a sense of freedom. And I only stalled once, but that was cos it's a car I have never driven and am not used to the clutch on it.
I explained how I struggled to see a future and that going travelling and going back to uni seemed unlikely as I didn't think I would be around. He seemed surprised at this as in the past I have put everything on going back to uni and it was my idea of going travelling that seemed to turn things around for me.
I am really worried about what Beth my CPN is going to say. Especially after I lied to her and told her I hadn't acted on any of the thoughts on self harm etc. It will probably be tomorrow he tells her. I suppose I don't have to worry too much that he is worrying as he followed me out the car park so it's not as though he went back and started making phone calls. I told him how I had re-read my blog and could see that my thoughts and feelings were the same as they were back when I have been quite bad and I said I was worried about that.
He said next time we are going to work on how I get the thoughts on a loop and work out scenarios so to be prepared to talk about it. I am kind of nervous about it really. It seems very personal. It's my inner most darkest thoughts and feelings. So seeing him again in two weeks. I see him before I see anyone else so I suppose unless Beth or Dr T (my community consultant psychiatrist who I can't stand) calls me summoning me in I will find out from him what has been said and what will be done with what I have told him. He said that he doesn't expect that I won't self harm. But he would hope that I do it safely and not kill myself cos if I do "I'll be in a fucking load of trouble", which he said laughing and then he said not just that but he wants to make sure I'm ok also.
I went in to the appointment really anxious and shaking and really uptight but being able to talk to him by the end of it I was a lot more relaxed. I am so lucky that I have someone that when I have talked to them I feel better about things. I used to get that with Sam also but more so with him. I've never been able to be really open with people before and I like that I can do that with him and how he puts me at ease. I don't like how he reads my emotions so well, don't get me wrong, it's good he can do it but it doesn't mean I like it! He made me promise that I would see him again in two weeks and that I wouldn't do anything in the mean time to end it and I said I wasn't planning on it.
Now I just gotta try and do what he says. If it doesn't work, at least I can say I tried and we can try a different approach!
xxx
I told him about the thoughts being on a loop and always being there no matter what I do and I am finding I can't live like it. He said it's because I don't have any routine and I am not doing anything. He said I need to fill my time so that the thoughts can be turned down a little. I explained how even when I was busy they were there and then were just worse when I got in to bed at night and I kept playing out scenarios in my head of how I could end everything. He has some point that the less I do the less I feel like doing anything. But, I don't really have an awful lot to do. He said by next time he sees me he wants to have seen me making more of an effort with getting in to a routine and doing little things each day like getting up at the same time, taking the dog for a walk, looking in to voluntary work. At least now I have the use of a car so I can go to some places. I drove to the appointment today and is the first time in nearly a year since I drove. I loved it. It's such a sense of freedom. And I only stalled once, but that was cos it's a car I have never driven and am not used to the clutch on it.
I explained how I struggled to see a future and that going travelling and going back to uni seemed unlikely as I didn't think I would be around. He seemed surprised at this as in the past I have put everything on going back to uni and it was my idea of going travelling that seemed to turn things around for me.
I am really worried about what Beth my CPN is going to say. Especially after I lied to her and told her I hadn't acted on any of the thoughts on self harm etc. It will probably be tomorrow he tells her. I suppose I don't have to worry too much that he is worrying as he followed me out the car park so it's not as though he went back and started making phone calls. I told him how I had re-read my blog and could see that my thoughts and feelings were the same as they were back when I have been quite bad and I said I was worried about that.
He said next time we are going to work on how I get the thoughts on a loop and work out scenarios so to be prepared to talk about it. I am kind of nervous about it really. It seems very personal. It's my inner most darkest thoughts and feelings. So seeing him again in two weeks. I see him before I see anyone else so I suppose unless Beth or Dr T (my community consultant psychiatrist who I can't stand) calls me summoning me in I will find out from him what has been said and what will be done with what I have told him. He said that he doesn't expect that I won't self harm. But he would hope that I do it safely and not kill myself cos if I do "I'll be in a fucking load of trouble", which he said laughing and then he said not just that but he wants to make sure I'm ok also.
I went in to the appointment really anxious and shaking and really uptight but being able to talk to him by the end of it I was a lot more relaxed. I am so lucky that I have someone that when I have talked to them I feel better about things. I used to get that with Sam also but more so with him. I've never been able to be really open with people before and I like that I can do that with him and how he puts me at ease. I don't like how he reads my emotions so well, don't get me wrong, it's good he can do it but it doesn't mean I like it! He made me promise that I would see him again in two weeks and that I wouldn't do anything in the mean time to end it and I said I wasn't planning on it.
Now I just gotta try and do what he says. If it doesn't work, at least I can say I tried and we can try a different approach!
xxx
Wednesday, 5 September 2012
Psychology Tomorrow
Kind of dreading it, kind of feel I really need it to have someone I trust and can talk to to talk to. But I know I am going to have to be honest with him as he reads me really well and will be able to see through any lies I try and spin. So it means telling him about all the self-harm that has happened over the past few weeks since I last saw him.
It started while I was in Europe. I was feeling shit before I went anyway and then one night I cut quite badly. It probably needed suturing but there was no way I was able to have it done as I didn't want my parents to find out and I didn't want to pay fees to see a doctor or have to explain to a doctor what has been going on. I stopped myself from going further when I thought it was too deep and required sutures. But the way of stopping myself was by swallowing the razors. Stupid.
So then I start blood letting again. While I am in the shower as don't want to leave any trace of it. Just 5 or so minutes at a time but enough to get that relief and rush. Then one night in the middle of the night I can't sleep as of toothache and no painkillers as the pharmacies had stupid opening times then the only thing you could get was paracetamol or ibuprofen (in Switzerland, can get better in France) and I was getting really frustrated. So I go to the toilet in the middle of the night to let but I couldn't get a vein. Got so frustrated that I snapped up the needle and swallowed it. I don't know what I was thinking. Last time I did this it required me to be on a medical ward for 12 days and a massive operation where I now have a scar going from my belly button to my chest. Not to mention the pain I went through. And I was over a 1000 miles from home. I was so stupid. Luckily nothing came of it and it didn't cause any problems, but I was so stupid.
I've only got one needle left now and I keep reusing it to let with when I am in the shower. I know I risk infection but I don't think I can stop and I feel it's keeping me going.
My CPN, Beth came to visit yesterday and I couldn't tell her anything. She asked if I had acted on my feelings as she had read the notes of when I saw the Psychologist and I lied and said no. I couldn't tell her. I don't trust her that much and I worry she will tell my parents or make me come back in to hospital. She doesn't know me very well and makes assumptions where as the psychologist doesn't. I have spent many an hour with him over the past 8 months and we have a good working relationship. I know when the psychologist asks me if I have acted on my feelings if I say no he will see straight through me.
I have re-read all my blog over the last couple of days to see if I can see any patterns and just to get an idea of how things have gone for me. I can see that I have been quite ill at times and I am worried that I am now as of the thoughts that I have been having. The thoughts of suicide and self harm are consuming me. I spend hours imagining different scenarios in my head and it keeps me awake at night. I was in bed until 4pm today with it all going through my head also. I did have a plan for October time but I have had to cancel it because of my dog as I will be solely responsible for her and I don't want her to come to any harm if I am not around to take care of her. So I suppose in a good way I am being left in charge of her while parents go on holiday as it will stop me from doing anything while they are gone. I've started looking up methods on the internet again which I know now is a sign I am entering crisis point. But, there is no way I can go back in to hospital. I was in practically a year bar those 4 weeks I was out October last year. I know if I end up back in I'll end up at Out of Town Hospital on the PICU where Fingers is and I couldn't cope with that. So I have to keep quiet about how I feel. I can't risk that.
While I was in hospital it was easier to be open about my thoughts and feelings as I was already there and it does help to talk about them. But, now I am out I am risking my freedom if I am open about how I feel and what my thoughts have been. It leaves me kind of stuck really. I have said to the psychologist that my main aim is staying out of hospital and in one way or another he said this is a negative way to look at things. I can't remember how he said it but it's what he said. I don't get it really.
So I suppose tomorrow there will probably be lots of tears and I will just deal with things as they come and see if I can try and get through it.
Wish me luck!
xxxx
It started while I was in Europe. I was feeling shit before I went anyway and then one night I cut quite badly. It probably needed suturing but there was no way I was able to have it done as I didn't want my parents to find out and I didn't want to pay fees to see a doctor or have to explain to a doctor what has been going on. I stopped myself from going further when I thought it was too deep and required sutures. But the way of stopping myself was by swallowing the razors. Stupid.
So then I start blood letting again. While I am in the shower as don't want to leave any trace of it. Just 5 or so minutes at a time but enough to get that relief and rush. Then one night in the middle of the night I can't sleep as of toothache and no painkillers as the pharmacies had stupid opening times then the only thing you could get was paracetamol or ibuprofen (in Switzerland, can get better in France) and I was getting really frustrated. So I go to the toilet in the middle of the night to let but I couldn't get a vein. Got so frustrated that I snapped up the needle and swallowed it. I don't know what I was thinking. Last time I did this it required me to be on a medical ward for 12 days and a massive operation where I now have a scar going from my belly button to my chest. Not to mention the pain I went through. And I was over a 1000 miles from home. I was so stupid. Luckily nothing came of it and it didn't cause any problems, but I was so stupid.
I've only got one needle left now and I keep reusing it to let with when I am in the shower. I know I risk infection but I don't think I can stop and I feel it's keeping me going.
My CPN, Beth came to visit yesterday and I couldn't tell her anything. She asked if I had acted on my feelings as she had read the notes of when I saw the Psychologist and I lied and said no. I couldn't tell her. I don't trust her that much and I worry she will tell my parents or make me come back in to hospital. She doesn't know me very well and makes assumptions where as the psychologist doesn't. I have spent many an hour with him over the past 8 months and we have a good working relationship. I know when the psychologist asks me if I have acted on my feelings if I say no he will see straight through me.
I have re-read all my blog over the last couple of days to see if I can see any patterns and just to get an idea of how things have gone for me. I can see that I have been quite ill at times and I am worried that I am now as of the thoughts that I have been having. The thoughts of suicide and self harm are consuming me. I spend hours imagining different scenarios in my head and it keeps me awake at night. I was in bed until 4pm today with it all going through my head also. I did have a plan for October time but I have had to cancel it because of my dog as I will be solely responsible for her and I don't want her to come to any harm if I am not around to take care of her. So I suppose in a good way I am being left in charge of her while parents go on holiday as it will stop me from doing anything while they are gone. I've started looking up methods on the internet again which I know now is a sign I am entering crisis point. But, there is no way I can go back in to hospital. I was in practically a year bar those 4 weeks I was out October last year. I know if I end up back in I'll end up at Out of Town Hospital on the PICU where Fingers is and I couldn't cope with that. So I have to keep quiet about how I feel. I can't risk that.
While I was in hospital it was easier to be open about my thoughts and feelings as I was already there and it does help to talk about them. But, now I am out I am risking my freedom if I am open about how I feel and what my thoughts have been. It leaves me kind of stuck really. I have said to the psychologist that my main aim is staying out of hospital and in one way or another he said this is a negative way to look at things. I can't remember how he said it but it's what he said. I don't get it really.
So I suppose tomorrow there will probably be lots of tears and I will just deal with things as they come and see if I can try and get through it.
Wish me luck!
xxxx
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Psychologist Appointment
I saw my psychologist today. I think I may give him a nervous breakdown. He must get so pissed off with me.
I'm going to Europe for 3 weeks tomorrow. I don't want to go. I want to stay at home on my own and have my own space to be miserable. But I have taken a sensible decision and decided to go with my parents as I don't think being on my own for 3 weeks this soon after discharge from hospital would be good for my health. Not when I feel like I do at the moment.
I explained all this to him. He knows all about it as I have talked to him about it in previous meetings and he said I have made the right decision. I told him about how I have been fighting the urges and low mood since Sunday and that I don't think I can do it for much longer. He asked me a number of times if I had done any thing and being as though I haven't I said that I haven't but it is getting harder not to. He said I have got through it before when I was on PICU and I could do it again. I also said there were times when I hadn't got through it and I was feeling like that. He asked me what was stopping me and I explained that I knew if I did it then the whole cycle would start again and there would be no stopping me and I didn't want to be in hospital. Before this he asked me if I wanted to come back in and I said not. I don't.
He asked me if I wanted to die. I was honest and said while I had thought about it and thought about how, I also had plans to go travelling next year and to go back to uni. So that sort of conflicted so if I wanted those things how could I truly want to die. He said you can't go travelling and back to uni if your dead. I agreed. But he said it's normal to have these conflicting thoughts. We talked more about the urges and what I wanted to do and I said all of it. I had urges to do all my normal self-harming, self destructing things. Cutting, blood letting and swallowing. We talked about the needle I had stashed and if I would be taking it to Europe with me. I said I hadn't decided and had been looking at the pros and cons of taking it with me. Since then I have decided to take it with me. Not so I can use it. Hopefully not anyway, but as a safety net.
He said he got the impression I had given up. I am not doing anything I said I would to get myself out of it. Things like walking the dog, calling a friend etc. I said I can make these plans when I am ok but when I am in it I don't want to do anything and he said to think back to the past when you keep putting off doing something as you think it would be awful and when you actually do it it's not as bad as you first thought. I said I would give it a go.
We talked a lot about how I don't want to go to Europe for 3 weeks as all I want to do is be on my own and I am dreading be in such close proximity to my parents for so long. He was trying to make it better for me and I just kept coming back with a yeah but... I know I frustrate him. He made me promise that I would see him for our next appointment (in other words that I wouldn't do something stupid) and that I would try and do a couple of the things he has asked me to do while I am away. It's nice having someone who cares, who I can talk to and can be really open with. But I am worried I have come to rely on him a little too much and I put too much faith into him. He's not going to be there forever and so I probably shouldn't put so much in to it. I had an appointment on Monday with a covering CPN as mine, Beth, is away. He asked me why I didn't tell her why I was having urges and my mood had dropped. I said I didn't know but I do. It's because I didn't know her and I knew she would only be seeing me the one time. It takes me a long time to build a relationship with someone. It took me ages to be open with him. I have been seeing him since January and it wasn't until March time seeing him twice a week for an hour plus at a time that I have been able to tell him how I feel. He also takes great pleasure in telling me that one of the first things I said to him was that I thought psychologists were all arrogant twats. I can't remember saying that at all, but, hey ho.
He kept reminding me that one of the things we talked about while I was on PICU was that we knew that there would come a time when I would get urges and we had discussed how I would deal with it. True. I just didn't think it would turn around so quickly. One day I am fine the next my mood is in my boots, I'm anxious and getting massive urges. He thinks it's something to do with me not wanting to go away. Hopefully he is right and by the time I get back in 3 weeks things will have turned around again. He usually is right so let's hope he is on this one.
Anyway, I have to be up at 03.30am so I best be getting some sleep.
Night world
xxx
I'm going to Europe for 3 weeks tomorrow. I don't want to go. I want to stay at home on my own and have my own space to be miserable. But I have taken a sensible decision and decided to go with my parents as I don't think being on my own for 3 weeks this soon after discharge from hospital would be good for my health. Not when I feel like I do at the moment.
I explained all this to him. He knows all about it as I have talked to him about it in previous meetings and he said I have made the right decision. I told him about how I have been fighting the urges and low mood since Sunday and that I don't think I can do it for much longer. He asked me a number of times if I had done any thing and being as though I haven't I said that I haven't but it is getting harder not to. He said I have got through it before when I was on PICU and I could do it again. I also said there were times when I hadn't got through it and I was feeling like that. He asked me what was stopping me and I explained that I knew if I did it then the whole cycle would start again and there would be no stopping me and I didn't want to be in hospital. Before this he asked me if I wanted to come back in and I said not. I don't.
He asked me if I wanted to die. I was honest and said while I had thought about it and thought about how, I also had plans to go travelling next year and to go back to uni. So that sort of conflicted so if I wanted those things how could I truly want to die. He said you can't go travelling and back to uni if your dead. I agreed. But he said it's normal to have these conflicting thoughts. We talked more about the urges and what I wanted to do and I said all of it. I had urges to do all my normal self-harming, self destructing things. Cutting, blood letting and swallowing. We talked about the needle I had stashed and if I would be taking it to Europe with me. I said I hadn't decided and had been looking at the pros and cons of taking it with me. Since then I have decided to take it with me. Not so I can use it. Hopefully not anyway, but as a safety net.
He said he got the impression I had given up. I am not doing anything I said I would to get myself out of it. Things like walking the dog, calling a friend etc. I said I can make these plans when I am ok but when I am in it I don't want to do anything and he said to think back to the past when you keep putting off doing something as you think it would be awful and when you actually do it it's not as bad as you first thought. I said I would give it a go.
We talked a lot about how I don't want to go to Europe for 3 weeks as all I want to do is be on my own and I am dreading be in such close proximity to my parents for so long. He was trying to make it better for me and I just kept coming back with a yeah but... I know I frustrate him. He made me promise that I would see him for our next appointment (in other words that I wouldn't do something stupid) and that I would try and do a couple of the things he has asked me to do while I am away. It's nice having someone who cares, who I can talk to and can be really open with. But I am worried I have come to rely on him a little too much and I put too much faith into him. He's not going to be there forever and so I probably shouldn't put so much in to it. I had an appointment on Monday with a covering CPN as mine, Beth, is away. He asked me why I didn't tell her why I was having urges and my mood had dropped. I said I didn't know but I do. It's because I didn't know her and I knew she would only be seeing me the one time. It takes me a long time to build a relationship with someone. It took me ages to be open with him. I have been seeing him since January and it wasn't until March time seeing him twice a week for an hour plus at a time that I have been able to tell him how I feel. He also takes great pleasure in telling me that one of the first things I said to him was that I thought psychologists were all arrogant twats. I can't remember saying that at all, but, hey ho.
He kept reminding me that one of the things we talked about while I was on PICU was that we knew that there would come a time when I would get urges and we had discussed how I would deal with it. True. I just didn't think it would turn around so quickly. One day I am fine the next my mood is in my boots, I'm anxious and getting massive urges. He thinks it's something to do with me not wanting to go away. Hopefully he is right and by the time I get back in 3 weeks things will have turned around again. He usually is right so let's hope he is on this one.
Anyway, I have to be up at 03.30am so I best be getting some sleep.
Night world
xxx
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
Back Home
It started off ok. But now I'm kinda worried. I'm struggling a bit. I've been home a week now. I was discharged last Tuesday and I was over the moon. I was up beat and happy and all of a sudden come Sunday my mood dipped, I started getting anxious and getting self-harm urges. I haven't acted on them, not yet anyway.
I had an appointment with my psychologist last Thursday when things were going well. I told him while cleaning out my dressing table I came across one of the needles I used to use for blood letting. I couldn't throw it away. I sat with it in my hands for ages thinking what to do and remembering when I used to do it every day and the time I swallowed the needle which perforated my bowel requiring me to have emergency surgery and I nearly died. Yet, the thoughts were still there and I couldn't get rid of it. I've not used it but I know it's there should I need to.
I'm worried I shouldn't have been discharged from hospital. My mood is low again and the thoughts and urges are there. I'm going to the doctors this afternoon to get a prescription and it's not my usual doctor who knows me so I don't know if I am going to be able to say any thing. If I was still on the ward I would talk to a member of staff who I knew well and ask for some PRN lorazepam and haloperidol. But, I can't do that. I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I don't want to worry my parents so I have not said anything to them and am trying to remain upbeat as though nothing is wrong while I am around them but it's hard to cover up anxiety etc.
Sunday was a year to the day since I ended up in intensive care after the huge overdose which led to me being sectioned. This past year has been unbelievably awful. I think the anniversary of it all happening may have something to do with why my mood has dipped. I have been thinking what has actually happened in the last year, what I have achieved, which I don't feel is a great deal yet, I am told different by staff at the hospital. I feel that perhaps after a year in hospital I shouldn't be having the "I'd be better off dead" thoughts and be able to get rid of the self harm urges but they are both still there. Perhaps I deal with them differently. I have a better idea of what my triggers are now and what the warning signs are also. The psychologist says the thoughts I have are a positive thing as they are a warning sign and it means I can act in a positive way about them. To me they are negative as I still have to deal with them when they are there and it's horrible having thoughts like that swimming round in your head on a loop.
I was so positive when I saw him on Thursday yet when I go back this week it feels as though things have changed so much and so quickly.
Being in hospital was easy. Maybe I should still be there. It's hard after all that time having the responsibility to look after myself. Maybe they were right when they said low secure may have been the best way for me to go. I wouldn't want to be there but it may have been best for me. I don't feel much different from a year ago and they've just let me go. I don't know what they thought they were going to achieve keeping me in hospital for so long. And then all of a sudden saying I can go. In a way it feels like they've given up on me. That my moods are always going to be all over the place and that nothing can be done about it.
It's really affected my confidence being in hospital for so long. People keep saying to me that I must be quite confident if I am planning on going travelling on my own. But I don't see it that way. It's something I have done before and I know what to expect. It's going to be mostly relaxing so wont cause much stress. I don't need confidence for it. But anything that may invoke some stress, I am getting terrified at. I had OT come to see me today and we talked about a part time job as I can work and earn up to £97.50 per week and not lose any of my benefits. Which being as though I am saving to go away would be brilliant. But the idea of doing something that may stress me out is really causing me anxiety as I don't know how I would deal with it. I have also thought about volunteering but again the idea of it is causing me anxiety. I'm not an anxious person but being in hospital has turned me in to one.
I'm terrified of ending up back in hospital. Yes, it's easier, and I say I am not sure if I should have been discharged yet but I don't want to go back in. Mainly because of my family. It would really disappoint them and they would really struggle with it. Also there's that possibility of being sent to a low secure place which really would screw up any future plans as these type of places are longer term than a year. And the people you come across in them are very different. The other patients can be forensic patients and the staff seem to be different in forensic settings. They don't seem to care as much.
I can't quite remember what he said but the psychologist was saying my fear of ending up back in hospital and the way I was using it was a negative thing. I think he probably thinks if my fear is so much I will stop being honest with people about how I am feeling and that me not being able to talk about it will cause it all to build up. Who knows though. He probably has a point. He said I should try and focus on the positive things not the negative things. He has a point and he's always right. Grrr.
I'll talk to him on Thursday and be open and honest with him about how I am feeling and see if he has any pointers. For now though I really need a wee so I'm going to finish.
xxxx
I had an appointment with my psychologist last Thursday when things were going well. I told him while cleaning out my dressing table I came across one of the needles I used to use for blood letting. I couldn't throw it away. I sat with it in my hands for ages thinking what to do and remembering when I used to do it every day and the time I swallowed the needle which perforated my bowel requiring me to have emergency surgery and I nearly died. Yet, the thoughts were still there and I couldn't get rid of it. I've not used it but I know it's there should I need to.
I'm worried I shouldn't have been discharged from hospital. My mood is low again and the thoughts and urges are there. I'm going to the doctors this afternoon to get a prescription and it's not my usual doctor who knows me so I don't know if I am going to be able to say any thing. If I was still on the ward I would talk to a member of staff who I knew well and ask for some PRN lorazepam and haloperidol. But, I can't do that. I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I don't want to worry my parents so I have not said anything to them and am trying to remain upbeat as though nothing is wrong while I am around them but it's hard to cover up anxiety etc.
Sunday was a year to the day since I ended up in intensive care after the huge overdose which led to me being sectioned. This past year has been unbelievably awful. I think the anniversary of it all happening may have something to do with why my mood has dipped. I have been thinking what has actually happened in the last year, what I have achieved, which I don't feel is a great deal yet, I am told different by staff at the hospital. I feel that perhaps after a year in hospital I shouldn't be having the "I'd be better off dead" thoughts and be able to get rid of the self harm urges but they are both still there. Perhaps I deal with them differently. I have a better idea of what my triggers are now and what the warning signs are also. The psychologist says the thoughts I have are a positive thing as they are a warning sign and it means I can act in a positive way about them. To me they are negative as I still have to deal with them when they are there and it's horrible having thoughts like that swimming round in your head on a loop.
I was so positive when I saw him on Thursday yet when I go back this week it feels as though things have changed so much and so quickly.
Being in hospital was easy. Maybe I should still be there. It's hard after all that time having the responsibility to look after myself. Maybe they were right when they said low secure may have been the best way for me to go. I wouldn't want to be there but it may have been best for me. I don't feel much different from a year ago and they've just let me go. I don't know what they thought they were going to achieve keeping me in hospital for so long. And then all of a sudden saying I can go. In a way it feels like they've given up on me. That my moods are always going to be all over the place and that nothing can be done about it.
It's really affected my confidence being in hospital for so long. People keep saying to me that I must be quite confident if I am planning on going travelling on my own. But I don't see it that way. It's something I have done before and I know what to expect. It's going to be mostly relaxing so wont cause much stress. I don't need confidence for it. But anything that may invoke some stress, I am getting terrified at. I had OT come to see me today and we talked about a part time job as I can work and earn up to £97.50 per week and not lose any of my benefits. Which being as though I am saving to go away would be brilliant. But the idea of doing something that may stress me out is really causing me anxiety as I don't know how I would deal with it. I have also thought about volunteering but again the idea of it is causing me anxiety. I'm not an anxious person but being in hospital has turned me in to one.
I'm terrified of ending up back in hospital. Yes, it's easier, and I say I am not sure if I should have been discharged yet but I don't want to go back in. Mainly because of my family. It would really disappoint them and they would really struggle with it. Also there's that possibility of being sent to a low secure place which really would screw up any future plans as these type of places are longer term than a year. And the people you come across in them are very different. The other patients can be forensic patients and the staff seem to be different in forensic settings. They don't seem to care as much.
I can't quite remember what he said but the psychologist was saying my fear of ending up back in hospital and the way I was using it was a negative thing. I think he probably thinks if my fear is so much I will stop being honest with people about how I am feeling and that me not being able to talk about it will cause it all to build up. Who knows though. He probably has a point. He said I should try and focus on the positive things not the negative things. He has a point and he's always right. Grrr.
I'll talk to him on Thursday and be open and honest with him about how I am feeling and see if he has any pointers. For now though I really need a wee so I'm going to finish.
xxxx
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Discharge Today
So the plan is to discharge me today. I am nervous. It's not as though I want to be in hospital, I really don't. But I'm scared of leaving. What if I can't cope?
I've practically been in one year now. And I don't see how that much has changed. That scares me. I still get intrusive thoughts and struggle to deal with them on my own. Being here there is more stopping me from acting on them and I can access support from staff I know if I need it. Ok, there will be the crisis team I can call. But it will be an unknown person who I have never met before and don't have a trusting relationship with. I have gotten to know some staff really well and when I struggle I can talk to them. If they're not around I'll ask for PRN to take the edge off and I'm going to have to leave all that behind.
I'll still have a CPN and fortnightly sessions with the psychologist who I've got a really good relationship with. I've never trusted someone as much as I trust him. I suppose one thing being in here has taught me is I can be open and honest with staff as they won't judge me. I will be getting a lot of support when I'm out but it's not there all the time and I'm scared of losing that. If I'm struggling It's notas though I can just leave my room and have a chat with a professional which is what I've become used to in the last year.
Things are going to change and they're going to be difficult I know that. I'm terrified of ending up back in hospital as there's talk of low secure if that happens. I have things planned for the next year which should keep me positive and can hopefully bring me out of low points if I start working on it. I need to keep myself active, see friends and make sure I fill my days up. I'm going to enrol on a couple of courses to keep me going and see where that gets me. I'm doing it different this time. I'm more positive about discharge as I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel as though I'm in control of it.
But it's not stopping me feeling anxious about it all. Is that a normal feeling? I'd love for people to comment their own experiences or opinions please.
Thanks
Xxx
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Moved Wards
I’ve moved wards. I am now off the intensive care unit. After 6 and half months they have moved me to the acute/treatment ward. Can’t say I am actually that happy about it as the ward they have moved me to is one I worked on quite regularly before I went travelling a couple of years back.
But, I am trying to see the positives. It is a lot quieter and I have left some right dickheads behind from the other ward. The negatives are that I will miss some of the staff quite a lot as I got on really well with some of them and will miss their company. With some of them there was more than that patient/nurse relationship. Well, I felt there was anyway. Some of them even said that they didn’t see me as a patient and they saw me more as one of them. Probably why they took me to the pub. I suppose most of the time, in terms of a PICU patient I was an easy person. OK, this last month hasn’t been the best and they restrained me and a self-harmed a number of times. But the majority of the time I didn’t cause any problems.
So hopefully I should only be in hospital a few more weeks. Then I can get on with some serious planning of my around Asia travels for next April time. Planning on 3 months around Asia. I want to go to China for sure but not decided on where else. I have done Thailand a couple of times and quite recently as well as Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos so I am not sure where else to go. Any one got any ideas? I was thinking of Tokyo for maybe 4-5 nights but the rest of Japan doesn’t really interest me, and it is too expensive. I am doing the trip on a budget of about £170 per week so I need to be careful and plan it well.
GOOD NEWS ALERT: -
Just had review with doctor and have planned a discharge date of 2 weeks today on the 31 st of July. I was told 4-6 weeks by PICU doctor but it seemed as though I managed to talk the talk and get what I wanted today. I should get leave also before getting out so I’ll be able to go home before the discharge date. I’m buzzing, but I am also really nervous about it all. I mean, I have now been in hospital 8 months, by the time I am discharged it will practically be a year bar the 4 weeks I was out in October last year. I need to think how I am going to do things differently. If I end up in hospital again, I am likely to end up in a low secure place. Not what I want and I have been told it’s not what would be best for me either but that they would have no other choice.
So my plans are to take a year out from uni (again), but this time, it’s a positive year out. It’s my decision. I have plans for the year. Well, 3 months of it. But before I go I have the motivation of going to keep me well and focussed and after I get back I will be going to uni quite soon after I get back and will have my dissertation to be working on. I’ll start work on it before I go and I will need to look at doing some volunteering or courses that I would enjoy doing to keep me busy so I don’t get into a bad routine. I need to ensure I keep a routine. I know that not doing causes problems for me. The last thing I want is to have planned a trip, have booked flights and paid for them to end up in hospital again. I have my worries. I am not sure if I can do it. But I am going to give it my best shot. I really am. That's all I can do really!
Xxx
Thursday, 12 July 2012
I'm not doing that great.
Short post as writing from my phone.
Things are getting worse and worse. I keep self harming and making half arsed attempts but it's not getting me anywhere. So now it's 10pm and they're doing the most thorough room search ever and taking everything out. I have got something hidden and it's going to get found but I'm not owning up to it on off chance she doesn't check where it is.
She's about to find it! She will. Omg she didn't. She didn't say if she did it looked like she just chucked it in with the rest of my stuff.
Anyway. Feeling shit. The feelings of wanting to end it all are back and I think of ways in which I can. I don't really know what to do about it. Over the past few weeks I've made some as what they class pretty serious self harm suicide attempts. I've been forced to go to hospital which was horrible but all I was bothered about was what would happen if my parents found out. Not at all bothered what would happen to me. I couldn't care if I'd caused myself harm. What does that say about everything? I don't know what to do with myself. It's just engulfing me at the moment. XxxThursday, 5 July 2012
Full Circle
I feel as though I have come full circle. Things were going really well, great even. I had loads of leave, I hadn’t self-harmed in over 2 months and they were starting to plan my discharge. And now, I have messed it all up. The past 3-4 weeks I have self-harmed, been so distressed that they have had to restrain and jab me in the bum with meds.
I am not positive what has brought it all back on but what I do know is that the thoughts have all returned and the feeling of “what is the fucking point” has returned. The Psychologist and I have come up with a couple of reasons in what could be causing it and those relate back to my feelings of not being able to control what is going on around me.
First off, although it’s a positive move, I should be moving wards to a treatment/acute ward rather than the PICU which I have been on for just over 6 months now. I would rather be discharged from here as I know my previous experience of acute wards has not been good. I know I was a lot more ill at the time, but I still have that in the back of my mind. Also, having been here 6 months I know the staff really well, and they know me. They can tell what I am feeling just by looking at me. I am able to be more open with them and have some really good relationships with particular staff. Many of the staff don’t treat me like a patient and I am privy to some pretty good gossip. Some of the staff I will miss as people, and I would like to know what happens with them and what is going on in their lives. Obviously, I wouldn’t class them as friends as that feeling has to be reciprocated, but I am rather fond of them.
I went to look at the ward I am moving to last week and although it’s nicer than the other acute wards I have been on before, there is something about it which makes me uncomfortable. It’s really big; about 20 beds, where I am now is only 10. It is also all female, where as this one is mixed. Well it’s supposed to be but it’s changing to all male and there were only 2 female beds and I have been the only female for a couple of weeks now. I prefer being on a mixed ward though. I have my own female area so I can get away from the blokes and there has only been a couple of times where I have felt threatened, but because of the ratio of males to females I have been on high obs when I have been on the main ward.
I’ve not been told when I am going either. Just that they are waiting on a bed and when that comes it, that’s it I am being shipped out. It’s a horrible feeling not having any control over it and not knowing what and when it’s going to happen. I don’t want to go, but if they could just say “you’re going on Thursday” at least I would know and be able to prepare properly.
I also have major worries about going home. Will things have changed that much? If at all. People here keep going on about how well I have done, but I honestly can’t see it. I don’t see what the point of nearly 8 months so far in hospital has done. A year really as I was first admitted at the beginning of August last year and was only actually discharged for 4 weeks between admissions. I’ve struggled to articulate this to people as they don’t get where I am coming from with it. In a way I am saying I don’t feel particularly safe to be going home and that being here is probably the only thing that has stopped me self-harming. Not me. But being here. I am not saying I want to be in hospital. Far from it. I want to be at home. But, unfortunately some of those reasons for wanting to be at home are so that I can go back to self-harming unseen again. Wrong reasons really aren’t they. It’s not all like that. That’s not the only reason. But I don’t see what being here actually does for me and think it could make things worse.
I have made some good progress with the psychologist and I am very fond of him. He has agreed to see me once I am discharged for a while also which is good. I think I will need all the support I can get and I like I can just have a good moan at him. I have also cried in front of him, he makes me feel comfortable. But then recently, I have not really cared about who I have cried in front of and have just been blubbing to anyone who will listen. Not like me at all. I usually hate crying in front of people but something in me has changed and I’ll just start on one and be hysterical crying to anyone. Apparently that is a good thing. People will grow tired of it soon though!
I had an assessment from the forensic services for a referral to low secure. At the time it went well and they told me not to worry as I wouldn’t be going there. But since then I think I have self-harmed about 5 times in 2 weeks quite seriously as well. I also got really pissed (yes pissed on alcohol) on my birthday and then tried to do a runner. But jeans that are falling down, no shoes, staggering, no coordination, being unfit and heading in the wrong direction were no match for a fit 23 year old lad, then 2 more strong blokes. Queue more hysterical crying and being unceremoniously dragged back to the ward and being pinned down. Not my proudest moment. I am so embarrassed. I apologised to everyone involved as I was absolutely mortified. Got the piss taken out of me the next day when I had the world’s worst hangover.
I’ve got a meeting with my CPN, Beth, today. I am dreading it. Things were ok with her. I had a good chat with her about the issues I had in regards to how I felt she had been in the wrong in the past in regards to my confidentiality and things seemed better. But with recent events I am worried about what she is coming to see me about. There’s a couple of things which could happen to me if I am not moved over to the treatment ward of which I want neither. The first is being that they could transfer me back to the unit where Fingers works as that is becoming the female unit in the area. This will mean I will have to be near him again and also that I lose my psychologist. They run things so differently there and it is more like a prison. You can’t have anything and you don’t get leave or anything. And it would mean Fingers! And we know how I feel about him. Bastard! The other thing is being sent to a low secure place which would mean I would be in hospital a hell of a lot longer than 8 months. Were probably looking at another 18 minimum. Scary stuff. I just want to go home. But from here. Not another ward. But because it’s a PICU and the amount of time I have been on here Dr Witch Bitch Medusa has said I need to go to acute first and although people have before they were males and had different clinical needs to me. Annoying really.
I have made a decision all being well though. I am taking another year out of university. I think it would have probably been forced on me anyway as of my likely discharge date (4-6 weeks after being on acute ward). It’s a bit close to going back to uni and I am supposed to be working on my dissertation at the moment which I obviously can’t do. So I have decided I am going to take a couple of months out to go travelling again. I have decided on China but not where else yet. I can’t make up my mind. But, I have plently of time to decide as I probably wont even be looking at booking until November time. But we will have to wait and see what happens.
I probably have loads more news as I have not written in 2 months but I can’t be bothered to write anymore. My fingers ache!
I’ll try and keep more regular updates.
Xxx
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