Appointment with Psychologist Tomorrow

I am really nervous about it. It feels a bit weird after all that has gone on since last time I saw him and him getting my CPN involved. I know he had to and it's not as though I am angry at him or anything but he will probably want to talk about it.

I've got a couple of things I want to talk about with him. The first being that the suicidal thoughts are still as bad as ever and I am doing more to keep busy and trying to get into a routine. I am doing more so I have a sense of worth and purpose. I am going out each day to do the shopping and then cooking the family meal at night. I am running errands that need doing.

Before I was doing fuck all and some days not showering or getting dressed. At least if I am going out every day it is forcing me to get showered, dressed and put make-up on. I have enrolled on a singing course, which I started today. It was ok. It is all about building confidence and I read somewhere that singing releases endorphins and serotonin so thought it may be worth a shot.

 I have also enrolled on a Mandarin course which I will start in a couple of weeks. And I have been looking at volunteering opportunities and have shown interest in a few. I will be starting to attend monthly meetings at one from next month and am trying to get references for another. It's a bit hard getting professional references when I have been in hospital for the last year so I haven't really got anyone to ask. So may have to knock that one on the head. Which disappoints me as is the one I was most interested in doing.

I have been to my local leisure centre and registered with them so that I can use their gym and classes as part of the whole exercise releases endorphins and serotonin etc, and it may make me feel better about myself if I can get fitter. I have been to spin class tonight which nearly killed me but it was good. Although the chocolate and popcorn I had when I got home kind of got rid of the point in doing it. And, I am joining a badminton group so I will be playing at least once a week, maybe more if I can get my friends to play with me. Which they should do as they enjoy a game also.

Finally I have joined a reading club. Maybe a bit geeky, but I love reading and I think it may be nice to meet new people who also have similar interests as me and to get together over a glass of wine and chat about the book.

I have tried to plan things so that I will be doing something every day. Something to ensure that I get out of bed, get showered, put make-up on and get out the house. I am also trying to get myself excited about my trip to Asia next year by trying to get quotes on flights and making it a bit more realistic, but even when I got a price which was cheaper than I thought it would be, it's still not doing much for me.

Yet, despite me being quite busy for the last week or so I am still feeling as bad as I was before. The thoughts are really strong and they keep me awake at night. I lie there imagining and playing out scenarios of my own death in my head. The psychologist wants me to talk about these tomorrow and I am not sure how I feel about it as it all seems very personal and I don't know if I can be that open and go in to that much detail. I also have the worry that it may go further or worry people. I think it's pretty obvious I am not coping well out of hospital and I am worried that they will want me to go back in.

I think I am quite stressed at the moment also. This is mainly to do with my mum's drinking. It's getting out of hand. There was last Wednesday when there was that incident which I wrote about, then they go to the pub again on Thursday night (which I later had a go at my Dad about), Friday night another couple of bottles of wine even though they were looking after the kids, Saturday night they went to a party which my Dad came home from as my Mum started getting argumentative and paranoid and spoiling for a fight. When he got home he told me the same thing had happened the night before also. Sunday they had another couple bottles of wine. Monday a night off. Tuesday night (last night) I hear her fall over downstairs after drinking more wine and a massive argument this morning where my Dad was shouting at her about her behaviour as she was obviously doing the same thing last night. My Dad said she needs to accept that he thought she had left him permanently, and to be fair to him it looked like that. Spending thousands of pounds on furniture and moving out (taking a years lease on a property). I didn't her the argument last night, I don't know how as I don't think I would have been asleep that long before it kicked off. Unless my Dad knowing what was likely to happen went in the front bedroom which I can't hear from my room. It's ridiculous. I hate the tension there is when they have been drinking. I said to my Dad Saturday night why the hell did he agree to go to the pub knowing what happens when she drinks too much and after a massive kick off the night before.

I went out on Sunday for dinner with my friend and my phone rung. I knew before I answered it it would be them asking me to stop and get wine on the way home. My friend laughed at me when I said this but then when it turned out to be true she kind of got where I was coming from. I was saying to her I don't like it when they drink as I don't know what I am going to be walking in to. I can't control it and it's the uncertainty.

I briefly mentioned it to my OT worker on Tuesday saying I thought that there was an alcohol problem and she gave me a couple of options. One was to move out, to which I said I can't as I want to go back to uni next year and can't afford uni and to be renting somewhere. I am also a bit reluctant to spend money on furniture and setting up house if I am to leave it a few months later to move back home when starting uni. Also I can't go travelling if I move out which as I said before I believe it was the prospect of this that got me out of hospital as I was no longer so blind sighted by one thing and if that didn't happen my whole world would have fallen apart. Again. Another option was to talk to my Mum about her behaviour and tell her that it was upsetting and stressful for me and was not a positive thing in my recovery. She said that this could be done by just me on my own or arranging family mediation possibly with the psychologist. I said that this would just make things worse for me as I would be called selfish and would just further her opinions of me that I am weak minded, emotionally unstable and mental. So in the end she said I needed to find someway of dealing with it all as the event made me want to self harm even more and the only reason I didn't was because of the environmental constraints, not because I stopped myself from doing so. She said that this would probably build up until a time when I can self harm and it will be serious. She is probably right. She said the best way of dealing with it would be to speak to my psychologist about it and come up with some ways. So this is another thing I will be speaking to him about tomorrow.

I've got quite a lot to take in to the appointment tomorrow. So at least when he asks me what I want to talk about I don't just say "I don't know". I'm so conscious of it as it seems to come out of my mouth a hell of a lot. He'll ask me a question and I'll just reply with "I don't know". I must drive every one mad with it. It's my catchphrase.

Anyway. I'm tired, cold and need a cig. So fag and bed it is.

xxx