I saw my psychologist today. I think I may give him a nervous breakdown. He must get so pissed off with me.
I'm going to Europe for 3 weeks tomorrow. I don't want to go. I want to stay at home on my own and have my own space to be miserable. But I have taken a sensible decision and decided to go with my parents as I don't think being on my own for 3 weeks this soon after discharge from hospital would be good for my health. Not when I feel like I do at the moment.
I explained all this to him. He knows all about it as I have talked to him about it in previous meetings and he said I have made the right decision. I told him about how I have been fighting the urges and low mood since Sunday and that I don't think I can do it for much longer. He asked me a number of times if I had done any thing and being as though I haven't I said that I haven't but it is getting harder not to. He said I have got through it before when I was on PICU and I could do it again. I also said there were times when I hadn't got through it and I was feeling like that. He asked me what was stopping me and I explained that I knew if I did it then the whole cycle would start again and there would be no stopping me and I didn't want to be in hospital. Before this he asked me if I wanted to come back in and I said not. I don't.
He asked me if I wanted to die. I was honest and said while I had thought about it and thought about how, I also had plans to go travelling next year and to go back to uni. So that sort of conflicted so if I wanted those things how could I truly want to die. He said you can't go travelling and back to uni if your dead. I agreed. But he said it's normal to have these conflicting thoughts. We talked more about the urges and what I wanted to do and I said all of it. I had urges to do all my normal self-harming, self destructing things. Cutting, blood letting and swallowing. We talked about the needle I had stashed and if I would be taking it to Europe with me. I said I hadn't decided and had been looking at the pros and cons of taking it with me. Since then I have decided to take it with me. Not so I can use it. Hopefully not anyway, but as a safety net.
He said he got the impression I had given up. I am not doing anything I said I would to get myself out of it. Things like walking the dog, calling a friend etc. I said I can make these plans when I am ok but when I am in it I don't want to do anything and he said to think back to the past when you keep putting off doing something as you think it would be awful and when you actually do it it's not as bad as you first thought. I said I would give it a go.
We talked a lot about how I don't want to go to Europe for 3 weeks as all I want to do is be on my own and I am dreading be in such close proximity to my parents for so long. He was trying to make it better for me and I just kept coming back with a yeah but... I know I frustrate him. He made me promise that I would see him for our next appointment (in other words that I wouldn't do something stupid) and that I would try and do a couple of the things he has asked me to do while I am away. It's nice having someone who cares, who I can talk to and can be really open with. But I am worried I have come to rely on him a little too much and I put too much faith into him. He's not going to be there forever and so I probably shouldn't put so much in to it. I had an appointment on Monday with a covering CPN as mine, Beth, is away. He asked me why I didn't tell her why I was having urges and my mood had dropped. I said I didn't know but I do. It's because I didn't know her and I knew she would only be seeing me the one time. It takes me a long time to build a relationship with someone. It took me ages to be open with him. I have been seeing him since January and it wasn't until March time seeing him twice a week for an hour plus at a time that I have been able to tell him how I feel. He also takes great pleasure in telling me that one of the first things I said to him was that I thought psychologists were all arrogant twats. I can't remember saying that at all, but, hey ho.
He kept reminding me that one of the things we talked about while I was on PICU was that we knew that there would come a time when I would get urges and we had discussed how I would deal with it. True. I just didn't think it would turn around so quickly. One day I am fine the next my mood is in my boots, I'm anxious and getting massive urges. He thinks it's something to do with me not wanting to go away. Hopefully he is right and by the time I get back in 3 weeks things will have turned around again. He usually is right so let's hope he is on this one.
Anyway, I have to be up at 03.30am so I best be getting some sleep.