It started off ok. But now I'm kinda worried. I'm struggling a bit. I've been home a week now. I was discharged last Tuesday and I was over the moon. I was up beat and happy and all of a sudden come Sunday my mood dipped, I started getting anxious and getting self-harm urges. I haven't acted on them, not yet anyway.
I had an appointment with my psychologist last Thursday when things were going well. I told him while cleaning out my dressing table I came across one of the needles I used to use for blood letting. I couldn't throw it away. I sat with it in my hands for ages thinking what to do and remembering when I used to do it every day and the time I swallowed the needle which perforated my bowel requiring me to have emergency surgery and I nearly died. Yet, the thoughts were still there and I couldn't get rid of it. I've not used it but I know it's there should I need to.
I'm worried I shouldn't have been discharged from hospital. My mood is low again and the thoughts and urges are there. I'm going to the doctors this afternoon to get a prescription and it's not my usual doctor who knows me so I don't know if I am going to be able to say any thing. If I was still on the ward I would talk to a member of staff who I knew well and ask for some PRN lorazepam and haloperidol. But, I can't do that. I can't talk to anyone about how I am feeling. I don't want to worry my parents so I have not said anything to them and am trying to remain upbeat as though nothing is wrong while I am around them but it's hard to cover up anxiety etc.
Sunday was a year to the day since I ended up in intensive care after the huge overdose which led to me being sectioned. This past year has been unbelievably awful. I think the anniversary of it all happening may have something to do with why my mood has dipped. I have been thinking what has actually happened in the last year, what I have achieved, which I don't feel is a great deal yet, I am told different by staff at the hospital. I feel that perhaps after a year in hospital I shouldn't be having the "I'd be better off dead" thoughts and be able to get rid of the self harm urges but they are both still there. Perhaps I deal with them differently. I have a better idea of what my triggers are now and what the warning signs are also. The psychologist says the thoughts I have are a positive thing as they are a warning sign and it means I can act in a positive way about them. To me they are negative as I still have to deal with them when they are there and it's horrible having thoughts like that swimming round in your head on a loop.
I was so positive when I saw him on Thursday yet when I go back this week it feels as though things have changed so much and so quickly.
Being in hospital was easy. Maybe I should still be there. It's hard after all that time having the responsibility to look after myself. Maybe they were right when they said low secure may have been the best way for me to go. I wouldn't want to be there but it may have been best for me. I don't feel much different from a year ago and they've just let me go. I don't know what they thought they were going to achieve keeping me in hospital for so long. And then all of a sudden saying I can go. In a way it feels like they've given up on me. That my moods are always going to be all over the place and that nothing can be done about it.
It's really affected my confidence being in hospital for so long. People keep saying to me that I must be quite confident if I am planning on going travelling on my own. But I don't see it that way. It's something I have done before and I know what to expect. It's going to be mostly relaxing so wont cause much stress. I don't need confidence for it. But anything that may invoke some stress, I am getting terrified at. I had OT come to see me today and we talked about a part time job as I can work and earn up to £97.50 per week and not lose any of my benefits. Which being as though I am saving to go away would be brilliant. But the idea of doing something that may stress me out is really causing me anxiety as I don't know how I would deal with it. I have also thought about volunteering but again the idea of it is causing me anxiety. I'm not an anxious person but being in hospital has turned me in to one.
I'm terrified of ending up back in hospital. Yes, it's easier, and I say I am not sure if I should have been discharged yet but I don't want to go back in. Mainly because of my family. It would really disappoint them and they would really struggle with it. Also there's that possibility of being sent to a low secure place which really would screw up any future plans as these type of places are longer term than a year. And the people you come across in them are very different. The other patients can be forensic patients and the staff seem to be different in forensic settings. They don't seem to care as much.
I can't quite remember what he said but the psychologist was saying my fear of ending up back in hospital and the way I was using it was a negative thing. I think he probably thinks if my fear is so much I will stop being honest with people about how I am feeling and that me not being able to talk about it will cause it all to build up. Who knows though. He probably has a point. He said I should try and focus on the positive things not the negative things. He has a point and he's always right. Grrr.
I'll talk to him on Thursday and be open and honest with him about how I am feeling and see if he has any pointers. For now though I really need a wee so I'm going to finish.