Well, I told him everything. Hopefully things will work out ok, but at the end of the day it comes down to my CPN who he said he has to inform. He said he was worried that I hadn't been to hospital for the swallowed objects and asked me if I would consider going to the ED for an x-ray to which I said no. He came straight out and asked me if I wanted to die and I said it was something I had been thinking a lot about recently. He asked if I had made any plans and I told him that I did have one but not any more. I kept saying how I didn't want to go back in to hospital and he said he didn't think it would be best for my recovery, whether or not Beth agrees with him, and it's her decision, who knows.
I told him about the thoughts being on a loop and always being there no matter what I do and I am finding I can't live like it. He said it's because I don't have any routine and I am not doing anything. He said I need to fill my time so that the thoughts can be turned down a little. I explained how even when I was busy they were there and then were just worse when I got in to bed at night and I kept playing out scenarios in my head of how I could end everything. He has some point that the less I do the less I feel like doing anything. But, I don't really have an awful lot to do. He said by next time he sees me he wants to have seen me making more of an effort with getting in to a routine and doing little things each day like getting up at the same time, taking the dog for a walk, looking in to voluntary work. At least now I have the use of a car so I can go to some places. I drove to the appointment today and is the first time in nearly a year since I drove. I loved it. It's such a sense of freedom. And I only stalled once, but that was cos it's a car I have never driven and am not used to the clutch on it.
I explained how I struggled to see a future and that going travelling and going back to uni seemed unlikely as I didn't think I would be around. He seemed surprised at this as in the past I have put everything on going back to uni and it was my idea of going travelling that seemed to turn things around for me.
I am really worried about what Beth my CPN is going to say. Especially after I lied to her and told her I hadn't acted on any of the thoughts on self harm etc. It will probably be tomorrow he tells her. I suppose I don't have to worry too much that he is worrying as he followed me out the car park so it's not as though he went back and started making phone calls. I told him how I had re-read my blog and could see that my thoughts and feelings were the same as they were back when I have been quite bad and I said I was worried about that.
He said next time we are going to work on how I get the thoughts on a loop and work out scenarios so to be prepared to talk about it. I am kind of nervous about it really. It seems very personal. It's my inner most darkest thoughts and feelings. So seeing him again in two weeks. I see him before I see anyone else so I suppose unless Beth or Dr T (my community consultant psychiatrist who I can't stand) calls me summoning me in I will find out from him what has been said and what will be done with what I have told him. He said that he doesn't expect that I won't self harm. But he would hope that I do it safely and not kill myself cos if I do "I'll be in a fucking load of trouble", which he said laughing and then he said not just that but he wants to make sure I'm ok also.
I went in to the appointment really anxious and shaking and really uptight but being able to talk to him by the end of it I was a lot more relaxed. I am so lucky that I have someone that when I have talked to them I feel better about things. I used to get that with Sam also but more so with him. I've never been able to be really open with people before and I like that I can do that with him and how he puts me at ease. I don't like how he reads my emotions so well, don't get me wrong, it's good he can do it but it doesn't mean I like it! He made me promise that I would see him again in two weeks and that I wouldn't do anything in the mean time to end it and I said I wasn't planning on it.
Now I just gotta try and do what he says. If it doesn't work, at least I can say I tried and we can try a different approach!