Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Discharge Today

So the plan is to discharge me today. I am nervous. It's not as though I want to be in hospital, I really don't. But I'm scared of leaving. What if I can't cope?

I've practically been in one year now. And I don't see how that much has changed. That scares me. I still get intrusive thoughts and struggle to deal with them on my own. Being here there is more stopping me from acting on them and I can access support from staff I know if I need it. Ok, there will be the crisis team I can call. But it will be an unknown person who I have never met before and don't have a trusting relationship with. I have gotten to know some staff really well and when I struggle I can talk to them. If they're not around I'll ask for PRN to take the edge off and I'm going to have to leave all that behind.

I'll still have a CPN and fortnightly sessions with the psychologist who I've got a really good relationship with. I've never trusted someone as much as I trust him. I suppose one thing being in here has taught me is I can be open and honest with staff as they won't judge me. I will be getting a lot of support when I'm out but it's not there all the time and I'm scared of losing that. If I'm struggling It's notas though I can just leave my room and have a chat with a professional which is what I've become used to in the last year.

Things are going to change and they're going to be difficult I know that. I'm terrified of ending up back in hospital as there's talk of low secure if that happens. I have things planned for the next year which should keep me positive and can hopefully bring me out of low points if I start working on it. I need to keep myself active, see friends and make sure I fill my days up. I'm going to enrol on a couple of courses to keep me going and see where that gets me. I'm doing it different this time. I'm more positive about discharge as I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and I feel as though I'm in control of it.
But it's not stopping me feeling anxious about it all. Is that a normal feeling? I'd love for people to comment their own experiences or opinions please.



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