Kind of dreading it, kind of feel I really need it to have someone I trust and can talk to to talk to. But I know I am going to have to be honest with him as he reads me really well and will be able to see through any lies I try and spin. So it means telling him about all the self-harm that has happened over the past few weeks since I last saw him.
It started while I was in Europe. I was feeling shit before I went anyway and then one night I cut quite badly. It probably needed suturing but there was no way I was able to have it done as I didn't want my parents to find out and I didn't want to pay fees to see a doctor or have to explain to a doctor what has been going on. I stopped myself from going further when I thought it was too deep and required sutures. But the way of stopping myself was by swallowing the razors. Stupid.
So then I start blood letting again. While I am in the shower as don't want to leave any trace of it. Just 5 or so minutes at a time but enough to get that relief and rush. Then one night in the middle of the night I can't sleep as of toothache and no painkillers as the pharmacies had stupid opening times then the only thing you could get was paracetamol or ibuprofen (in Switzerland, can get better in France) and I was getting really frustrated. So I go to the toilet in the middle of the night to let but I couldn't get a vein. Got so frustrated that I snapped up the needle and swallowed it. I don't know what I was thinking. Last time I did this it required me to be on a medical ward for 12 days and a massive operation where I now have a scar going from my belly button to my chest. Not to mention the pain I went through. And I was over a 1000 miles from home. I was so stupid. Luckily nothing came of it and it didn't cause any problems, but I was so stupid.
I've only got one needle left now and I keep reusing it to let with when I am in the shower. I know I risk infection but I don't think I can stop and I feel it's keeping me going.
My CPN, Beth came to visit yesterday and I couldn't tell her anything. She asked if I had acted on my feelings as she had read the notes of when I saw the Psychologist and I lied and said no. I couldn't tell her. I don't trust her that much and I worry she will tell my parents or make me come back in to hospital. She doesn't know me very well and makes assumptions where as the psychologist doesn't. I have spent many an hour with him over the past 8 months and we have a good working relationship. I know when the psychologist asks me if I have acted on my feelings if I say no he will see straight through me.
I have re-read all my blog over the last couple of days to see if I can see any patterns and just to get an idea of how things have gone for me. I can see that I have been quite ill at times and I am worried that I am now as of the thoughts that I have been having. The thoughts of suicide and self harm are consuming me. I spend hours imagining different scenarios in my head and it keeps me awake at night. I was in bed until 4pm today with it all going through my head also. I did have a plan for October time but I have had to cancel it because of my dog as I will be solely responsible for her and I don't want her to come to any harm if I am not around to take care of her. So I suppose in a good way I am being left in charge of her while parents go on holiday as it will stop me from doing anything while they are gone. I've started looking up methods on the internet again which I know now is a sign I am entering crisis point. But, there is no way I can go back in to hospital. I was in practically a year bar those 4 weeks I was out October last year. I know if I end up back in I'll end up at Out of Town Hospital on the PICU where Fingers is and I couldn't cope with that. So I have to keep quiet about how I feel. I can't risk that.
While I was in hospital it was easier to be open about my thoughts and feelings as I was already there and it does help to talk about them. But, now I am out I am risking my freedom if I am open about how I feel and what my thoughts have been. It leaves me kind of stuck really. I have said to the psychologist that my main aim is staying out of hospital and in one way or another he said this is a negative way to look at things. I can't remember how he said it but it's what he said. I don't get it really.
So I suppose tomorrow there will probably be lots of tears and I will just deal with things as they come and see if I can try and get through it.
Wish me luck!