Plagued

I am being plagued by my recent revelations. I can’t escape it. Every time I stop the memories of everything come flooding in. I can’t stop. I have to keep myself distracted by the TV or just chatting crap to staff. None of the staff on the ward know what I have said to Gary so I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I don’t feel as though there is anyone I could talk to about it. Well, maybe there is one person but he is being seconded to another ward in a couple of days so I can’t see the point in opening up to him.

I really can’t escape the thoughts and memories, I am even dreaming about it most the night. I was in a meditation group yesterday and I couldn’t get it out my head. I got all emotional and was hard to bring myself out of it. So much for meditation. I think I acquired the exact opposite of what the group was about.

Because it’s taking up so much of my thinking capacity I am having thoughts of self harm and even thinking about how I could. Talk about a backward step. There has been talk of transferring me to treatment/acute ward but I don’t think it’s a good idea at the moment. I know the way in which I am I need to be on this type of ward where I am monitored constantly. I know the transfer to another ward will really unsettle me and it could mean I end up self-harming again. Here, I have my own room, I practically have a TV lounge to myself as the other female doesn’t watch TV. I can pretty much come and go off the ward as and when I like as I have grounds leave and community leave. OK, it’s with a member of staff but it’s there and I can use it. If I am transferred back to the acute ward I was on before, I know it’s noisy, it’s busy, I don’t have any space to myself and they don’t let me off the ward. I know I hold the responsibility for my own body and self-harm but I don’t think transferring me back at the moment would be a good idea.

I can’t tell anyone this though. How I have tried to explain it to them is I prefer it here as it is quieter and I have my own space. I have tried to say I find the acute/treatment ward less like reality as I can’t escape from it. Whereas at home, I don’t have the problems I face on the acute/treatment ward. I know I probably need to go to an acute/treatment ward before they consider discharge, which doesn’t seem likely for a long time. If I tell them how I am feeling now they will probably cancel what leave I have and it will be noted that actually I am not getting better as they thought.

I don’t know if I mentioned before what they are now waiting on. My CPN, Beth, has referred me to a Continuing Care Panel with two options. The first being a transfer to a low secure unit as they think I could possibly benefit with a more intense therapeutic environment. Obviously this means a long stay in hospital. We’re talking maybe 18 months. The other option is to a place called Mac Close. This is like a supported living unit. There are a number of houses and staff there all the time. These are the only two options she has put to them, and I really don’t want either. I don’t think I need to be in a low secure environment. That’s my opinion anyway, but other staff seem to agree with me also on this. The option of Mac Close I really don’t want either as I don’t think it will be of benefit to me. I don’t need support to live independently. I have managed in the past and don’t need help with it now. Beth and the other professionals seem really against me going home to my Mum. I can kind of see their point as I was only out of hospital 6 weeks before ending up back in hospital again and I was struggling to deal with what was going on between my parents and my Mum’s reaction to it all. I still worry that this would be an issue for me and it would affect me. My plan here though is to lie and say I am moving in with my friend but really only stay with my friend until they take me off the section. Unless they put me on a Community Treatment Order I can’t see how they could bring me back in to hospital.

So I guess I feel a little torn at the moment. I REALLY want out of hospital. Really really badly. I am so sick of it. I have been in coming up 11 weeks. Longer than last time. I can’t see the end in sight either. I think I am possibly becoming institutionalised by not wanting to be moved wards and being terrified of being discharged also. I am not sure how I would cope with it. Would my whole world come tumbling down all around me again? I guess the staff don’t know also so they don’t want to take the chance if they can’t see much has changed. I am trying to change. Hence being open with Gary and telling him everything. Even if I do regret it now. I have also arranged alternative accommodation (or so they think) and I am trying to be more open with other staff about how I feel. The staff here are nice but there is not many I could be open with and tell them about what has happened in the past.

I was supposed to see Gary today but he called in sick. I felt kind of disappointed. I think this feeling in itself means I need to tell other people what happened as I was kind of relying on speaking to him today about how I have been feeling since I told him everything. I had prepared myself for it also. I was quite anxious last night thinking about seeing him again. I feel as though I need to tell him what effect telling him has had on me. How it interjects everything I do. How it’s the first coherent thought I have in the morning and how it’s the last thought at night, how it invades my dreams, how it is taking over my life at the moment. I think “I was raped” and it shocks me. It scares me. I am still not sure if it was. People have told me it was. But hearing it just makes it worse. Sam said it in the past also, but somehow I just managed to sweep what she said under the carpet, kind of like how I do with most things. Maybe it’s hearing it from another professional has made it more real, it hurts and for some reason I can’t sweep this back under the carpet. I think possibly giving it the name rape makes it worse and I blame myself more as I am still under the firm belief that if I hadn’t stole the money my life would have taken a very different trajectory. I wouldn’t have ended up in the position at 13 and 14 where I let myself be taken advantage of. I would have had more respect for myself. I would have liked myself. I wouldn’t have been in the position where I was thinking I had already done it so even though I didn’t want to what difference would it make? I would have put up a fight, I would have tried harder to leave. I would have done something about it. When I thought of it as just sleeping with someone who was older even though I didn’t want to and said no it was easier. Now, I just blame myself even more for what happened.

So perhaps being open about the past has not been the best thing for me. I feel so different about it now. I need to try and go back to it not being a big thing. I need to not think of the past so much but it’s hard. The event itself hasn’t changed so why have my perceptions of it? In the grand scheme of things what I experienced is not horrific. There are many people who had it much worse. There are many people who had it much worse and don’t take to mutilating themselves and don’t treat life as expendable and don’t give it respect by trying to end it. So why do I? I mean really, what happened isn’t that bad is it? So then I feel bad for feeling bad about it when there are people out there who experience worse every day and they can get on with life, yet, here I am taking up a bed in a PICU when there is probably someone who needs it a lot more, here I am self-harming requiring regular trips to the ED and hospital admissions. I am just a drain.

And the worst thing. I honestly can’t see how things can change! How can things change?

Plagued

I am being plagued by my recent revelations. I can’t escape it. Every time I stop the memories of everything come flooding in. I can’t stop. I have to keep myself distracted by the TV or just chatting crap to staff. None of the staff on the ward know what I have said to Gary so I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. I don’t feel as though there is anyone I could talk to about it. Well, maybe there is one person but he is being seconded to another ward in a couple of days so I can’t see the point in opening up to him.

I really can’t escape the thoughts and memories, I am even dreaming about it most the night. I was in a meditation group yesterday and I couldn’t get it out my head. I got all emotional and was hard to bring myself out of it. So much for meditation. I think I acquired the exact opposite of what the group was about.

Because it’s taking up so much of my thinking capacity I am having thoughts of self harm and even thinking about how I could. Talk about a backward step. There has been talk of transferring me to treatment/acute ward but I don’t think it’s a good idea at the moment. I know the way in which I am I need to be on this type of ward where I am monitored constantly. I know the transfer to another ward will really unsettle me and it could mean I end up self-harming again. Here, I have my own room, I practically have a TV lounge to myself as the other female doesn’t watch TV. I can pretty much come and go off the ward as and when I like as I have grounds leave and community leave. OK, it’s with a member of staff but it’s there and I can use it. If I am transferred back to the acute ward I was on before, I know it’s noisy, it’s busy, I don’t have any space to myself and they don’t let me off the ward. I know I hold the responsibility for my own body and self-harm but I don’t think transferring me back at the moment would be a good idea.

I can’t tell anyone this though. How I have tried to explain it to them is I prefer it here as it is quieter and I have my own space. I have tried to say I find the acute/treatment ward less like reality as I can’t escape from it. Whereas at home, I don’t have the problems I face on the acute/treatment ward. I know I probably need to go to an acute/treatment ward before they consider discharge, which doesn’t seem likely for a long time. If I tell them how I am feeling now they will probably cancel what leave I have and it will be noted that actually I am not getting better as they thought.

I don’t know if I mentioned before what they are now waiting on. My CPN, Beth, has referred me to a Continuing Care Panel with two options. The first being a transfer to a low secure unit as they think I could possibly benefit with a more intense therapeutic environment. Obviously this means a long stay in hospital. We’re talking maybe 18 months. The other option is to a place called Mac Close. This is like a supported living unit. There are a number of houses and staff there all the time. These are the only two options she has put to them, and I really don’t want either. I don’t think I need to be in a low secure environment. That’s my opinion anyway, but other staff seem to agree with me also on this. The option of Mac Close I really don’t want either as I don’t think it will be of benefit to me. I don’t need support to live independently. I have managed in the past and don’t need help with it now. Beth and the other professionals seem really against me going home to my Mum. I can kind of see their point as I was only out of hospital 6 weeks before ending up back in hospital again and I was struggling to deal with what was going on between my parents and my Mum’s reaction to it all. I still worry that this would be an issue for me and it would affect me. My plan here though is to lie and say I am moving in with my friend but really only stay with my friend until they take me off the section. Unless they put me on a Community Treatment Order I can’t see how they could bring me back in to hospital.

So I guess I feel a little torn at the moment. I REALLY want out of hospital. Really really badly. I am so sick of it. I have been in coming up 11 weeks. Longer than last time. I can’t see the end in sight either. I think I am possibly becoming institutionalised by not wanting to be moved wards and being terrified of being discharged also. I am not sure how I would cope with it. Would my whole world come tumbling down all around me again? I guess the staff don’t know also so they don’t want to take the chance if they can’t see much has changed. I am trying to change. Hence being open with Gary and telling him everything. Even if I do regret it now. I have also arranged alternative accommodation (or so they think) and I am trying to be more open with other staff about how I feel. The staff here are nice but there is not many I could be open with and tell them about what has happened in the past.

I was supposed to see Gary today but he called in sick. I felt kind of disappointed. I think this feeling in itself means I need to tell other people what happened as I was kind of relying on speaking to him today about how I have been feeling since I told him everything. I had prepared myself for it also. I was quite anxious last night thinking about seeing him again. I feel as though I need to tell him what effect telling him has had on me. How it interjects everything I do. How it’s the first coherent thought I have in the morning and how it’s the last thought at night, how it invades my dreams, how it is taking over my life at the moment. I think “I was raped” and it shocks me. It scares me. I am still not sure if it was. People have told me it was. But hearing it just makes it worse. Sam said it in the past also, but somehow I just managed to sweep what she said under the carpet, kind of like how I do with most things. Maybe it’s hearing it from another professional has made it more real, it hurts and for some reason I can’t sweep this back under the carpet. I think possibly giving it the name rape makes it worse and I blame myself more as I am still under the firm belief that if I hadn’t stole the money my life would have taken a very different trajectory. I wouldn’t have ended up in the position at 13 and 14 where I let myself be taken advantage of. I would have had more respect for myself. I would have liked myself. I wouldn’t have been in the position where I was thinking I had already done it so even though I didn’t want to what difference would it make? I would have put up a fight, I would have tried harder to leave. I would have done something about it. When I thought of it as just sleeping with someone who was older even though I didn’t want to and said no it was easier. Now, I just blame myself even more for what happened.

So perhaps being open about the past has not been the best thing for me. I feel so different about it now. I need to try and go back to it not being a big thing. I need to not think of the past so much but it’s hard. The event itself hasn’t changed so why have my perceptions of it? In the grand scheme of things what I experienced is not horrific. There are many people who had it much worse. There are many people who had it much worse and don’t take to mutilating themselves and don’t treat life as expendable and don’t give it respect by trying to end it. So why do I? I mean really, what happened isn’t that bad is it? So then I feel bad for feeling bad about it when there are people out there who experience worse every day and they can get on with life, yet, here I am taking up a bed in a PICU when there is probably someone who needs it a lot more, here I am self-harming requiring regular trips to the ED and hospital admissions. I am just a drain.

And the worst thing. I honestly can’t see how things can change! How can things change?

I Am Thinking About Home. Not Sure If They Are.

I’m concerned that what I have told people about me will mean that I am going to be kept in longer.

I have already been told they want to keep me in a while longer and that in terms of mental health time 10 weeks is not really a long time in the grand scheme of things. I have said how I really want to go home and there will be things that are different that weren’t before. I can’t say I’m not worried. I am terrified that if I go home that things will spiral again and it makes me think that maybe I do need to be kept in hospital. But also, in the scheme of things I am feeling a lot better. When I was first admitted I was still planning on killing myself. I even brought in a stash of meds that I would be certain would work. But I was restrained and they were found before I had chance to take them. Then there was my self-harming behaviour. It was pretty serious shit. Not cutting, far worse and more dangerous. That’s what landed me on PICU again.

But, in time my feelings have changed. Yes, I have felt like self-harming, even in a serious way, but I have managed to contain it and ride out the feelings and not act on them like I was before. I explained how I had more motivation now, where as before I didn’t really have this motivation. Now, going back to uni is in sight. I need to start researching my dissertation (how the diagnosis of personality disorder can have an effect on patient care and how they are the least liked patients in mental health), I need to prepare for going back to uni, I want to get my life on track and I want to forget about all this and put it all behind me. I feel more positive. Don’t get me wrong, I am aware how I did write about being more positive last time just before I was discharged but uni is the most important thing to me and I have that in sight now. Not like last time where it seemed an age away.

Maybe I am kidding myself. I know what my home life is like and what affect that has on me. I didn’t know that before. What I mean by this is by being the only outlet my Mum has about talking about her feelings about the divorce and being around her while she isn’t coping either. I didn’t know I would have that before and I didn’t realise how much my parent’s separation would affect me. I have not told the doctors this. I have mentioned it but I have not talked in detail about how much it does actually have an impact on me.

Is my feeling of the need to be out of hospital taking over the actual reality of the situation. I understand where the doctors are coming from in saying that things need to change and I feel that I have made, or have made an effort to make some changes. I have been more open with staff. I have told staff on the ward how I have been feeling. They have noticed I have not been myself the past week anyway but I have managed to talk to staff about this. Not in detail but I have said it’s some of the things that I have spoken about with Gary which have had an effect on me and have made me feel a bit shit and have brought some issues up which I have had problems with. I have also been as open as I possibly can be with Gary. I told him all of my deep, dark thoughts. These thoughts I have never told anyone. He says that perhaps I am making too many links between past events and we need to work on breaking down some of the links. I disagree. I think if it hadn’t started how it did when I was 13 by stealing the money then the other events wouldn’t have happened. But, I won’t go in to that again as I have written about it in the past couple of blogs and I don’t want to dwell on it.

I have been struggling with what he said it was though. I have never seen it has rape. Because it happened to me. If it was someone else perhaps I would. But the way in which it happened and previous events mean I don’t see it as that. I don’t want to see it as that. I think of rape and I think of the massive impact this has on a person. I look at my case and see more what happened when I was 13 and the first two sexual encounters as having more of an impact. I don’t think Gary agrees. He said I went in to much more detail about what happened in Tenerife and this would indicate that it has had the bigger effect on me.

Anyway, the main point here is I told him everything. Although, he has not written in details about it in my notes. So anyone who reads my notes will know I discussed something with him just not what. Perhaps it would be better if he did write more detail. It’s because I am ashamed why I don’t want it in there. He asked me to think about if he could tell the doctor if she asked. At the time I didn’t want anyone else knowing but since I have had more time to think about it I think possibly it may be a good idea if she knows. But, if she was to know they would have to guarantee me that they will not tell my parents. They have broken my confidentiality on a number of occasions now by telling my parents about the self-harm acts I have done and so I am unsure whether or not I would want anyone else knowing. He told me to think about it anyway and I am not seeing him until Tuesday so I have another day or so to think about it.

So to sum it up; for going home I have –

I do feel more positive than last time. Uni is in sight and it is a big motivation to me.

I want to get back on with my life and put the hospital experience behind me.

I haven’t actually self-harmed in 7 weeks. OK I have wanted to in the past 2 but I have ridden those feelings out. Just because I am on the PICU does not mean I don’t have the methods to.

For staying –

I am terrified of going home incase things spiral again. But I have put some changes in places. I have been more open with staff (which could make me stay longer), I have told Gary everything so we do have a basis of something to work towards, my home situation has not changed that much. Although I have said I will live with my friend. This would only be until the section is taken off but they don’t need to know that.

But, I think at the end of the day they are not looking at sending me home any time soon so it’s probably a waste of time me even thinking and worrying about it.

What Happened With Fingers!

I haven't blogged about what happened with Fingers which led to me making a formal complaint. I know I was in the wrong also but his actions were out of order and I feel as though I was provoked. In fact it has been put in my community care plan that I was provoked.

I was put in a room where the heating was not working properly so at night I was cold every night. It was during that really cold spell in November and I was absolutely freezing. Part of my care plan was that they only gave me one blanket. This blanket was really thin. Anyone who knows what it’s like in hospital can describe it as a seclusion blanket. Like a horse blanket but thinner. Anyway, the night before it all kicked off I asked the nurse in charge if I could have an extra one as I was so cold and on the care plan it did state at nurses discretion. He gave me an extra but still had a bad night’s sleep.

The next night Fingers was on. I got into bed and I was already upset because I had not had a good day as I was tired from the night before. I was in bed and in stormed one of the HCA’s and just dragged the blanket off me saying that I wasn’t allowed it and I had manipulated the staff the night before by asking and getting another one. This pissed me off. What pissed me off even more was Fingers then went on to open my bedroom door wide open (opening outwards) and was stood there holding it saying I couldn’t have it closed. I was pissed off as I was usually allowed to have it closed. I tried to close the door and Fingers was holding on to it. I tried to remove his hands from the door but he then proceeded to push me over and came in to the room. This made me boil and I wanted him away from me. He started saying all these derogatory things at me which was just making me angry at him even more. I was trying to push him out the room as he was really upsetting me by what he was saying. I wasn’t being violent just wanted him out. There were 2 other members of staff and none of my anger was aimed at them just him as of the things he was saying and his presence. I was shouting at him to get out my room but I just kept being pushed back. So I did push him back with a bit more oomph and I ended up with having Fingers on one arm and another HCA on the other arm. While he had hold of me he started having a go again and I managed to get free again. At this point he had made me irate. I was seeing red. He had hurt me both physically and emotionally so I kicked him in the balls. Then he lost it. He started screaming and shouting at me saying how I was PD it didn’t matter that the doctors had said otherwise but he knew me and all I was, was PD and that nothing would ever change and I was going to be like it for the rest of my life. He was holding on to my arm really tight going “you don’t like that do you? Do you”? Really shouting at me.

Personally, in my professional opinion he should have been removed from the situation as he was making me worse. When I did my training for restraint we had a scenario where the member of staff was like he was and we were advised to get that member of staff out of the room even if it meant restraining that staff member just to get them out the room.

Finally he did leave my room but wouldn’t close the door so I went in the bathroom. Next thing I know he comes storming back in with another member of staff and they just pick me up and drag me outside my bedroom and lock it off. Come 12am I thought that I would be allowed back in but he just ignored me. He pulls the big bean bag in to the communal area and goes to sleep on it and snores really loudly. They had not given any provisions for me to sleep on or cover myself with. I did use my imagination though and lined a few chairs up against the wall and tried to sleep on these. But, because Fingers was snoring so loudly it was near on impossible to get any sleep.

How unprofessional was the whole event? I know I shouldn’t have kicked him but he really was provoking me saying such derogatory things to me and shouting at me. It left me with bruises all down my left arm.

I told my mum what had happened and we compiled a formal complaint that went in against him. When it went in he was suspended straight away. I felt really bad as it was just before Christmas. The impression I have been given though is that there are other complaints made against him.

This is not the only issue I had with him. I found him to be an arrogant twat with no sense of compassion. I felt he was in the job just for the power. I know this sounds stupid but he never sat down with patients. The ward was tiny and centred round one table but he would always be standing on the outskirts, it was as if he felt that he didn’t want to be on the same level as us lot with mental illnesses.

The treatment he gave other patients he used was also despicable. He would punish patients even after they had been dealt with on earlier shifts. He would push people around. I really just couldn’t stand the guy. My Mum had her own complaints about him also.

So I got moved to the different PICU and had someone come visit me in the New Year about the complaint and I had to answer a load of questions about him and the way in which he worked. They said that they were going to interview as many staff in the unit as possible and then Fingers. Then I had another couple from the safeguarding team come and ask more questions. They had already spoken to them and surprise surprise he had given a different version of events. I said to my Mum that that was going to happen. I don’t think it will go anywhere as I feel people will back him and they all seem to aspire to him and on power trips. They are a really cliquey team so I think they will back him up. But, I suppose one thing is if this is on record and other complaints come in in the future that they will have to consider previous complaints.

I feel I was provoked. I am not a violent person at all. My community care plan states that although there was an incident where I assaulted a member of staff I was provoked so it’s good to know that they see it that way also. And, it shows that I have been listened to. Although I was provoked, I still feel what I did was wrong. I spoke to a member of staff about it here and he said not to worry as most people in my position would have done what I did as he went too far. He said if it had been him he’d have probably head butted him or done a lot worse.

So that’s the deal with Fingers and what happened. I will update more on this when I know the outcomes of the investigations but being as though I already know he has a different version of events so can't see anything happening.

What I Told Him

This is what I showed Gary the psychologist. I've found a way of blogging on my lap top and transferring it.

I feel a lot of my problems stem back from when I was a teenager related to something that I did which I regretted and had a big impact on my teenage years. I have always regretted what I did as, not just because it was wrong but it had a big impact on my family. It has only been within the last week or so in which I have linked this event to further events which had a big impact on me as I was growing up. I think that it was this initial event which made me feel as though I had to get other people to like me, and not think badly of me.

When I was 13 I stole a sum of money from my grandparents (my Dad’s parents). I did this with my friend who lived next door. It was over a period of time; over the summer I was 13. When my family found out we moved house. I avoided my grandparents for as long as I could. I still kept in contact with my friend even though I wasn’t supposed to.

It was not long after this event that I met a boy through my friend. He was a year older than me. I used to meet him after school and he wanted to take things further. I didn’t want to but was easily cajoled into sleeping with him. I think I felt that I needed to be accepted, my friend had told me she had slept with someone and I wanted this lad to like me and so saw this as a way of making this happen.

A similar thing happened about a year later when I met someone who was 16 (I was 14). Again I felt unsure about it and didn’t want to but felt pressured in to it as though I couldn’t say no.

When I was 15, my Nan (Mum’s mum died). I was really close to her and saw her a few times a week and stayed over at weekends. This hit me quite hard and I was devastated about it. This happened just before Christmas.

In the February I went to Tenerife with my parents. Until recently this event hasn’t had an impact on me except at the time in which I got over it (seemingly). I spoke to a counsellor about it before and I feel it was in talking about it again it has become quite a big issue for me. There was a guy who was 30 who ran the entertainment and activities for the hotel. One afternoon he asked me to come to his office so that he could have some help translating from Spanish to English on something he wanted to write down. When we were in the office he said that he liked me and tried to kiss me. I pulled away and said it wasn’t what I wanted. But he did it again and it went further. I didn’t put up any fight and didn’t say no again even though it was not what I wanted. I don’t remember much else from this time other than going back to the hotel room and really crying about it. I told my parents I wasn’t feeling very well and I stayed in the room for the rest of the day. The rest of the trip I tried to avoid being on my own with him. The next night he was running the evening’s entertainment and he started talking about his wife and how she was pregnant and I remember just feeling so used and dirty, which I suppose was the same feeling I had after the times before also. He did try to get me on my own again and asked me to come to his office but luckily there was usually someone else around.

The past week or so I have linked these events to how I am now and to my self-harm. I feel that because of my doing wrong it gave me a poor self -image which was even more confirmed by later actions and letting people take advantage of me. I think if I was able to believe in myself more and like myself more then, the self-harm would have not started. These events have always bothered me but, I hadn’t linked them to how things are now as I thought I had dealt with them at the time. I hadn’t linked the first event to the subsequent ones but I do now think that they are all related.

When I self-harm I don’t think about these events and they have never come to mind when I have self-harmed in the past. I feel it’s not the events themselves which have led to the self-harm but how I feel about them and how I feel about myself.

I Told Him

I told him. Well I showed him. Everything. It took some thinking about but he agreed we would discuss what he would put in my notes after I told him. So I went out for a cig while he read it. The expression on his face when I came back in was kind of shock, kind of sorrow.

He told me I'd been raped. I don't look at any of them like that but he said it definitely was when I was 15 and probably was the first two times also. I told him everything about how I felt. How I feel it was my fault as I let the events happen. It was a really tough session. He was with me about 2hours. He's really good. I still don't know if I should have told him. I've never told anyone the exact details. Gom knew I lost my virginity at 13 and he knew that there were previous men. But he never knew how I felt about the events. He knew about the money but he never knew what impact that had on me and how I felt about it. I think one of the reasons I've never told anyone is because I didn't want the diagnosis of pd confirmed by this. There's the whole thing of something happening in childhood years with it. Also, I've always thought that they'd not had any impact on me and that there weren't any links between the past and now. Had review with docs this morning. It didn't go that well. She still wants to keep me here for months. I said I'd already been in 10weeks and she said that was relatively short in mental health terms. She said a lot of changes needed to be made before I was released. These included being more open with staff about how I'm feeling and what's gone off. That was my main motivation for telling Gary today. I said I also got the impression that no one wanted me to go home to my mum. Last night my friend called and said I could move in with her until May when another friend is moving in with her. So we came up with a plan. Tell the docs I'm moving out, stay with her a few weeks until I'm discharged off section then go back to my mum's. But, I wasn't really listened to when I said I'd consider moving. I've done 3 things they've asked of me now and I don't really know what else I'm supposed to be doing. I don't think there is much else I can do. Gary asked me if I would report what happened to the police. I said probably not. Firstly, I don't see it as rape. Ok, I said no but, I think I could have done more. He took advantage of me, after all he was 30 I was 15, which, yes is wrong but I see that I brought it on myself and I could have done more. Also it was 12 years ago in a foreign country. So the chances of anything happening are very unlikely and I don't want to be questioned about it the way the police would. So it would be fruitless. I've really struggled with the thoughts and flash backs today. I may ask for some PRN later. My mum is coming to visit and I'll see how that makes me feel. I wish I had proper internet access so I could type properly. Grrr.

Writing

<p>I'm trying to write about my past and the events which happened so I can show it to Gary the psychologist. I'm not entirely sure I will show him, but I'm trying. It's so hard writing with the knowledge someone I know will read it. I don't really know how and what to say.

I'm seeing him tomorrow afternoon and I really am trying to make progress. What ever I write though just makes me sound like a scummy thieving slag.

It's Getting Worse and It's Concerning Me.

My feelings are getting stronger. The urge to cut is massive. I'm feeling low and don't want to do anything. I'm worried I'm going to end up in a depression again. I've not talked to anyone as there isn't anyone on shift I feel like I can talk to.

My CPN, Beth, is coming tomorrow but I feel she is quite negative so I can't talk to her. So I'm dreading her coming.

They are talking about discharge planning now, which, one one hand is brilliant, I want out of here. On the other there is something in me which doesn't want to as I'm terrified. I'm so worried things will get worse for me or will go back to how it was before. I'm so reluctant to talk about this with anyone incase it has impact on my discharge. So I feel a bit stuck.

Struggling With Thoughts

<p>&lt;p&gt;I think the psychology sessions are making me worse. I've been having quite intrusive thoughts the past few days and they're worrying me. I don't feel as though I can talk to anyone about them as on appearances to everyone I'm doing really well. </p>
<p>Apparently in handover this morning they mentioned a discharge care plan. I really wanna get out of here and I'm scared if I'm honest it will hamper my chances, delay it or mean that I get transferred to a low secure unit.</p>
<p>I have a lot riding on me doing well. Also, there's not really anyone on shift I feel I can talk to. So I feel a bit lost. I don't really know what to do. On one hand I feel that I should say something and ask for help as it shows I can do it. And there's a chance if I don't then I'll self harm and they'll ask me why I didn't ask for help and put me back to where I started. But then if I do ask for help it's highlighting I'm not that well at the moment.</p>
<p>So what would you do???</p>
<p>I do wonder if doing these psychology sessions help. They make me have on near on panic attacks. Today it happened a couple of times where there was this massive rush of emotions and I dissociate. He reads me so well and is a bloody mind reader. Today we just discussed my life. What events happened when I was growing up. Obviously I couldn't bring myself to tell him. But he came close to the beginning of the story when he asked about something in particular. And he knew he'd hit a nerve.

One thing he did say was that he felt that it was something that I did want to talk about but couldn't because I felt I couldn't trust people here. I spoke to him a bit about this saying that was part of it, but it was a fear of peoples opinions of me changing and being judged. Also, I didn't like the idea of it going in my notes for anyone to read. I wish I could talk about it. But, the fear I have is too big. I can't do it!

Seeing him 2x a week now so seeing him on Friday as well. I'm not sure what it's doing, if anything. All I know is since I started making more links to my past the more I've been feeling shit about myself and having more thoughts of self harm. So what do I do?

Psychology Tomorrow

Got psychology tomorrow and I'm feeling really anxious about it.

Review 2 and Psychology

Had review this morning. I suppose I was quite hostile to the doctor. I didn't mean to be it's just that I don't particularly like her that much and I'm struggling again. Since my mini epiphany the other day I've been feeling a bit shit. Anyway, I told her how I felt about being in hospital and that I felt I didn't need to be. She then said I need to engage more. I said I already was. She said I wasn't as she knew from reading my notes that I had figured stuff out I just hadn't told anyone and it was something that I didn't feel I could talk about (see previous post). Anyway, long story short she's going to speak to my old ward at my city hospital and see if they would have me back. Hopefully, if they do I'll get out of PICU and back to acute. On a good note I'm allowed to go to the local shops now each day. So I've got decent leave. So. 3pm. Gary the Psychologist comes. He does something to me that takes me to a bad place. Even when I've tried to kill myself or self harmed I've never felt the anxiety that I have when I see him. I dissociate and go back to when I was 15. He tries to pull me back but sometimes I've just gone too far. So then I can't breathe and I'm all hot and my heart is pounding. I think I'm gonna have a full blown panic attack. I manage to bring myself back with the help of his grounding exercises. What it is now is a blame myself for everything and feel if I'd made a different choice then I may like myself a bit more and wouldn't do what I do. I can't talk to anyone in detail only skirt around the edges. All I can do is write!

Figured it Out.

I think I've figured it out. But I can't talk to anyone about it.

I've written about it before so won't go in to detail about it again. I'm on my phone for one reason, but, the other is if I over think it it makes me anxious and have bad intrusive thoughts.

Anyway. I feel a lot of my problems stem from when I was 13. I stole the money and hated myself for it. I still do. But from that age on all I wanted was for people to like me. I still do. So I let people take advantage of me. I didn't want to sleep with the people I did. But because of the way I felt I let people take advantage. This was at the age of 13/14. There were 2 people then, none of which I wanted. So now I'm left with feelings of being a slag. I was too young.

Then when I was 15, just after my nan died there was the 30year old. I really didn't want to but never said anything. I just remember feeling so used and so dirty after. He worked in the hotel I was staying in. I was sacred to say no. I cried for ages after and felt sick. It's weird but I can even remember what underwear I was wearing. Then I found out he was married and had a kid on the way so it left me feeling worse. I soon forgot about it and put it to the back of my mind. I just put it down to me being easy.

So I look at it now and I think maybe he did take advantage of me. I feel dirty and don't like myself for it. I blame myself as maybe I could have been stronger and said no! It has only recently been an issue. It was something that came out in counselling with Sam. It was only yesterday that in the psychology session with Gary that I started to link everything back to me stealing the money when I was 13.

I had thoughts that this may have some impact but I didn't link it to all the other things that went on. I realised that I really don't like myself very much and I want others to like me and not think badly of me. So I let people take advantage, I go out of my way to do things for others so that they have a high opinion of me and because I really don't like myself that much it's why I self harm, it's why I have suicidal feelings, it's why I don't look after myself properly and have issues with my weight.

I also think it's why I held on to a volatile and sometimes violent relationship for so long. I put up with so much shit in that relationship and was scared to let go. I looked at it with rose tinted glasses and only saw the good times and times when we were happy together. But realistically we Weren't happy together even half the time we were together.

But, I still don't want people knowing that I did this horrible thing when I was 13. I can't talk to the psychologist about it. He knew he'd hit on something yesterday when he was talking about links to the past. He said it was obvious I was anxious and dissacociating. He did this grounding activity where I had to describe in detail the room such as noises and textures. Without saying details I was trying to ask him questions about it. I don't feel as though I can actually talk to anyone in detail about it. I can only be vague.

He has said he wants to see me twice a week now and I agreed. He knows something has happened in the past but he doesn't know what. It was all a bit of an epiphany to me yesterday anyway so it's all quite new. The more I think of it though the more it makes sense.

So it explains a hell of a lot. But not the cyclothymic disorder. I wonder if all this didn't happen when I was a kid if I'd still have that.

I wonder if now I'm more aware I can deal with it myself. I hope I can.