Review

<p>Well the review didn't quite go as I wanted. I got OT leave and leave to the family room but that's it. No reduction of obs. And the worst thing...when I asked how long in terms of weeks or months she said months.</p>
<p>Basically, Beth needs to write a referral to the team that deal with planning. She is going to ask them if they want to make a referral to a low secure unit in which if I was made to go I'd be there a long time, or a referral to a supported living place. Or both. Either way I don't want either of these and I just want to go home. I don't feel as though I'm being listened to about my wants and needs.</p>
<p>I know I probably shouldn't and it's probably just me being whatever, but, I feel that Beth just brings negativity to everything and if it wasn't for her I'd be more supported to be at home. I feel that it's her getting in the way.

I don't feel I'll ever be getting out of hospital. I don't feel that I need to be here either. I'm not self harming, I'm not having active thoughts and I'm not having suicidal thoughts. It feels as though they are keeping me here just in case. And I'm not sure they can do that. I have decided I am going to appeal and get a solicitor as I do feel I have a chance of getting out now.

Months, not weeks. So disappointing and disheartening. I don't know what to do with myself. It's put me in a bit of a mess if I'm honest. I don't know how I'm going to cope with spending more time here. I feel it's only a matter of time before I crack. But I've dealt with it so far. I asked about being moved off PICU and they said it's not likely to be anytime soon. I said how can I show things are getting better if they won't give me opportunity to. They said that the acute ward couldn't deal with my behaviours before. Which, I do understand, I did some pretty risky shit. But I've said I don't feel like that now and all I want is to go home and get on with my life.

I've got really negative feelings towards Beth - the CPN because every time I have dealings with her it seems to have negative outcomes for me. I don't feel as though I can trust her. Does it make sense? Is it me being stupid? I know I need to take responsibility etc but I can't help feeling this way. I wonder if she wasn't involved would things work out differently? Would I be able to go home?

I put an official complaint in about fingers at the last hospital. He was suspended because of it. I have people coming to interview me on Monday about the events that lead to the complaint. It all happened in November and my memory is crap. I'm worried that this will make me look like I'm lying even when I tell the truth. My memory is not very good and with the combination of being in hospital also it's gone to mush!

So, yeah I suppose I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment. Grrr!

Review Tomorrow.

So I have my review with the doctors tomorrow. I'm really nervous. My CPN is going also. She came this morning to see me and it just left me feeling pissed off. I'm not sure why.

We spoke about discharge and me going home to live with my mum. I got the impression that she was not happy about that and wanted me to move out. My mum has said in the past that she was under the impression that Beth and the doctor at the other hospital weren't wanting me to go back. Beth said that my mum had said to her that she was terrified I'd kill myself while living with her and was paranoid about knives, scissors, medication etc.

So maybe it would be easier on my mum if I wasn't there. I'd like to live on my own but it's not really practical. I'm hoping I'll go back to uni in September and I can't afford to live on my own and be at uni so would mean living with mum for that year anyway. So I can't see the point in moving out for only a few months.

My mum has said to me she wants me back at home, but I'm now wondering if that is how she really feels. I don't want to be a burden to her. It's bad enough I've had the feelings and acted the way I have without adding more on her with living with her. I don't know where I am now.

Living with my dad is not an option. It would make me worse. It's hard to explain why and I know the staff don't see at all why I have problems with my dad and probably think it's in my head. But at least I have other family members backing me up. So tomorrow, hopefully I'll be having my obs reduced. I need to stop worrying about it as there is nothing I can do. Even tomorrow there is nothing I can do! X

No Change

<p>I'm still at the same PICU and nothing has changed. I saw the doctors on Friday which left me disappointed as she said she's not going to change anything. So my level of obs that I'm on are to remain the same. It's horrible. </p>
<p>I explained to her I hadn't self harmed in over 3weeks and didn't have urges to. She asked me about triggers and I explained that I didn't really have any and weren't sure if there were any. So she said being as though I wasn't aware what they were and how they came from no where she wasn't going to reduce obs level. I tried to explain how when I self harm I feel like a different person and I'm not me and I'll feel like that for quite a long time. But at the moment I don't feel like that. But, disappointingly she wouldn't budge.</p>
<p>I've been told by the staff here that this doc is known to be very cautious with new patients and to not expect much if anything in the first week. It has also been said by staff that they didn't know why I was here as it seemed as though there is nothing wrong with me. They said they will write this in my notes and it will get handed over to the doctors also.</p>
<p>I'm hoping that I will be moved from the PICU soon as I honestly think I don't need be here. I want to go home and I do feel that the longer I am detained the worse it makes things for me. I am now thinking I am going to get a solicitor and appeal the section. I haven't in the past as I thought I did need to be in hospital as I needed someone to take the responsibility from me. But, I think I'm ready to take that now.

I understand why they may have their concerns, after all the serious life endangering shit I did and, that it may take some time. But, how can I show them I am better if they don't give me the opportunity to?

So, I guess I'm feeling quite frustrated at the moment. I'm really missing my nephews also. I'm hoping the docs will allow my brother to bring them here. I need to have leave off the ward to be able to see them which the staff say needs to be risk assessed for things such as me doing a runner, if I'm likely to show any behaviours that the kids will find upsetting and a few other things. It's all a bit of a pain in the ass really.

I've also decided I'm def not doing DBT. I've researched it and have seen it's not for me. I have been working on some recovery stuff with one of the nurses though so at least I'm doing something. It's all about me noticing signs that I'm unwell. These are things like me being really quiet, not eating properly, escapism etc. So hopefully that will show them I'm doing something!

Time for more tv now. My brain is turning to mush with the amount of crap tv I'm watching at the moment.

Xxx

Psychology Is Hard Work.

They came to assess me for DBT this morning. It was only a bloody assessment and it's left me feeling shit. They have said I can have a place if I want it but I'm not sure if I do. See yesterday's post about that one.

Also, I think I may have shot myself in the foot. I mentioned that I keep a lot of things to myself as I fear that they'll be used against me. He asked an example and so I said about when I am ill and when I do get urges I play them down so that it can't be used to make me stay longer. This was interpreted as I'm not being honest at the moment about how I'm doing and perhaps I'm only saying I'm doing better because I want to go home. I tried to explain that that wasn't the case at the moment and I was being honest. I think it's going to go in my notes as different though. Bloody brilliant!

If I feel like this now after an assessment, how would I be after real sessions? It's putting me off even more.

Observations

I am really starting to be bothered by being on high observations. Some people are ok, but others have no respect for my dignity at all. This morning for instance she wouldn't let me close the bathroom door even slightly. So wide open while I have a wee and get dressed. I'm still to have a shower as I don't want to have one if someone is going to stand over me with the door wide open.

I understand I'm on high obs so they should be aware of what I'm doing but to do it so obviously is just demeaning. Most people let me close the door to when I'm using the bathroom. And as vile as it sounds I've trained my bowels to only go when I've got someone who lets me close it completely.

Saw the doctor earlier. He said I'll be reviewed on Friday so hopefully my obs will be reduced so that I don't need someone to follow me in to the bathroom. We also talked about other stuff such as self harm. I don't have any answers about that just that it's been about 3 weeks since I self harmed and had any urges to. So do I really need to be on a PICU? I don't feel that I do. I'm not planning anything like I was before and I do feel more optimistic and upbeat. I don't feel depressed like I was before and I feel more like me. Normal me who doesn't self harm or want to kill herself!

So even though I'm feeling a lot better I still feel really frustrated. You can probably tell from the vibe of the entry. Also, I was told I may not get transferred to the hospital I was at before which is not good. I don't want to go onto the acute wards here. I want to go back to the place I was before.  I now know the staff and feel more comfortable there. I am more likely able to talk to staff there than being put onto a whole new ward.

Also briefly saw psychologist today. He's coming back tomorrow. They want me to do DBT which, I've already said I don't want to do. There's a few reasons. They are, the amount of time it takes a week- 5hours. Which, ok, I'm in hospital at the moment but when I'm released it's too much. How long the course is- it's a year long: not in fitting with me going back to uni. It's group based. I've said before there is no way I can be open about my thoughts and feelings in a group if I can't even do it with one person. And, whenever I've done anything in the past it's made things worse for me.

I think these are pretty valid reasons for not wanting to do it. I'm going to explain tomorrow to the psychologist my thoughts on this and see what he says. I am not looking forward to it at all!

Anyway, coming up to dinner time now so I'll leave it there. Xxx

A New Year

I know last year I wrote a post about trying to be more positive in 2011 and to try and be ok. It didn't last long did it. This year I am starting it as a section 3 patient on a psychiatrict intensive care unit. It could get worse as they've discussed the being moved to a low secure unit route. This would be my nightmare. It would probably be for a period of months as it's not easy to get out once you are in.

So I'm kinda worried about that. I have said to staff that I feel as though I'm a different person and when I self harm or I have attempted it's been someone else in me. However, they are now saying because the self harm I did do was very serious and could lead to death quite easily then they are not happy with me going to an acute ward. I don't know how long this will last for. So for the time being I'm stuck on the picu.

I do want to be better. I don't Want this to rule my life like it does at the moment. So I hope that 2012 for me will see me making some progress in getting better.

All the best to everyone else in the new year.x

Moved to a different picu.

They moved me to a different picu. Closer to home and so much more relaxed. I'm allowed my phone.

This past week has been so much better. I feel optimistic and more positive. Unfortunately this does not seem to have much baring on what future care they want me to have.

They still want me assessed by low secure. This would mean a longer stay of many months. I don't want this and I'm terrified. But my reputation precedes me so it doesn't really matter what I tell them now.

I'm trying to hold it together and I'm doing quite well. Also I put in a formal complaint against fingers at the other hospital over an incident that occurred and he's been suspended while they look in to it more. We've been given the impression that it's not the only complaint against him. So I'm going to have to be interviewed over it which I'm looking forward to like a hole in the head.

That's it for now though. X

Back to PICU

I'm being sent back to out of town picu. Where the bully fingers is. They are going to assess me for low secure. They know I have problems over there and they want to try get me to my city picu but they don't know how long it will be.
I feel sick!

I've Had Enough!

I can't stand being locked up anymore. It Makes the self harming urges even stronger and gives me more time to formulate plans.

I asked to speak to my doctor but apparently the mental health act assessment yesterday counts as her seeing me this week. I'm really unhappy. All I wanted to talk to her about was s17 leave even if it is escorted. I'm going more mad on the ward.

I'm feeling so miserable at the moment and all I want to do is self harm. I need to relieve some of this tension and frustration. I do have some methods but not what I really want.

Grrr!

I'm Not Going Anywhere!

Just been told I'm being put under section 3. Also that the doc wants me on the ward for a min of 4weeks and then going to see from there. In that I stay here or I'm ready to go to rehab living. So I'm in over xmas and new year.

I'm not too bothered about me but I know my mum will be upset that I'm in. At least I have an excuse for not buying people xmas pressies. I'll get my nephews and that's it. Cheap xmas for me. I am not a fan of it anyway. You'll see that from blogs last year on the matter.

The AMHP said I need to think about having my parents involved more but I said I didn't want that. It's not their business and I don't want them knowing the extent of self harm or that I'm feeling suicidal and have no hope for anything. It's not fair that I don't get the choice in it. If I was a kid I'd understand but I'm 27!

How Many Is That Now?

They've just been to assess me under mental health act for a section 3. I think that's my 5th assessment in under a year.

Don't know outcome yet. They are deliberating on me. Can't say I'm positive about it.

Back at My City Hospital

<p>Back from the intensive care unit. Glad that I am the staff there are bullies. Especially fingers whom I've mentioned before. There was an incident where he totally lost it with me and was screaming and shouting at me and he had hold of my arm. So I kneed him in the balls. It's not me. I'm not that person but the way he was with me was out of order and he was really hurting me. Obviously there is the lead up to the event which I'll write more about when I have my lap top.

Looks like I'm going to be in over xmas and I'm also being assessed for a section 3 next week. They've not told me this it's what I've seen on their board in the staff room.

Now though I'm off to the ED as I swallowed something again yesterday and there are complications apparently. It doesn't feel much different to me. I've been bad the past few days with my stomach anyway as of previous operation. That's another thing about here; they listened to me when I said it was hurting again. At out of city hospital they refused me pain killers as I didn't look as though I was in enough pain. First thing they did here was prescribe decent stuff and get a doctor on to the case.

Anyway. I'm back. That's what matters.