Saturday, 23 August 2014


I'm so bloody tired. I haven't slept properly since Tuesday night. Then that was because I took 2 zopiclone, double quetiapine and I was sedated from meds I had had in hospital. The most I have had since then is about 4 hours in one night. I feel horrible. I am exhausted.

All day I have been feeling like I needed to go to bed. Then I get in bed and I can't get to sleep. I have taken a Zopiclone and hopefully that will help me drop off tonight.

I saw crazy patrol today. Two people came round to follow up on my discharge from hospital. I told them I hadn't been taking the haloperidol. They had a bit of a go at me for it and advised I start taking it again. To say it's an anti-psychotic and has sedating properties it has some strange side effects. I thought it was just me being weird about it, but apparently, agitation and anxiety is a common side effect. I didn't know this until after the people had left as I only researched it this evening. Low and behold, a couple of hours after taking it, agitation and anxiety. I wonder how much of it is psychological though as I now know it is a valid side effect. I am not taking it again. I can't deal with feeling like this.

But, I don't feel as though I can say anything. The quetiapine was doing something. On the whole it helped long term. OK, I had the bad patch which, I have just come out of. But, I have been taken off it. To Dr T though, they will use this as proof that it wasn't working. Dr T won't want to put me on anything else, despite me knowing they generally help. He said when he put me on it, if I OD on anything while on it he will take me off it. Well, I was doing quite a bit of that wasn't I? But generally, it was helping. I'm tempted to start buying it offline and continue taking it. But, I am not sure I can afford it.

I don't know what to do. I really don't like Dr T and I have to see him in about 2 weeks. I can't keep taking the haloperidol. If it was up to me I would put me back on the meds I was on last year. Again, they used the OD (the one that nearly killed me) as a way of saying that medication wasn't working.

I don't know what to say. I suppose the most stable I have been in a long time is the last year. And that has been the lamotrigine and quetiapine. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes too. And that has helped. But, I do feel it's a combination of everything.

At the same time. I hate taking medication. I wonder what I am putting in to my body, what the long term effects are, that it's a reminder every night and every morning that I am not right. That I am not normal. But, I worry about stopping it and getting worse. I know that I was off medication for a couple of months last year, it was an awful two months. So, surely that shows that medication does help?

Or, is this all me? Wanting to put some external focus on my problems. But, then on the other hand, I've had more two and a half years of therapy now. Yet, I still have the same problems. G says I am doing better and I am dealing with things better. That things that would have set me off before, don't know and I can deal with them in a much healthier way. But, I am still having hospital admissions. 3 this year. But apparently, me saying yes I'll go in for respite is progress and a sign I am in recovery, or working towards it. It seems as though the last 3 years has not been about making me better, but about me learning to live with it all. Admitting when I need help. The experiences are the same. I am not happy with that. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live my life fearing the next low. Then going through the low believing I would be better off dead and making plans to follow through with that belief. But then they say the more I fight against it and not surrender to it that each time it will become more easy. How the fuck do they know that.

I'm really not happy with the care I am receiving at the moment. I feel as though I have a constant fight on my hands. It's draining.

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