Things are all going to shit. Urges in massive overdrive. Plans are being made and I am waiting on a delivery. I am reaching out though. It's a back up. A just in case.
I am not sure I have made the best decision in going to college. I am not sure if I can do it. I am worried about the extra debt I will be getting in to. On the other hand, there is no way I could hold down a job at the moment. At least college is just a few hours each week.
And then the thoughts start again. I am not able to handle a job. I haven't been able to in a long time. It's 3 years since I was first admitted to hospital. This time 3 years ago I was in a mess. On the 11th it will be 3 years since I was first sectioned. People say I have come so far. Really? I still have the same thoughts, the same processes. Maybe G is right? Maybe there isn't much point in us continuing. I come back to the same thing each time. The difference, I am more aware of what is causing it. This time it's an amalgamation of many things. Mainly though, it's how I feel about myself. I feel like a loser. 30. No kids, no job, no career, no man, nothing to show for myself, nothing to show for my life.
Losing weight has not made me feel any different. I am still the same person who's thinking scares oneself. Who's thoughts scares oneself. I have no confidence. I pretend on the outside. People think I am ok. People think I am doing better. For me I don't see a future. I don't see anything for myself.
I am finding myself not being able to make commitments to people as I am not sure if I will be around then. So rather than saying I can look after that child, or take someone to the airport etc, I am saying I am busy etc. I don't want to be dead, in hospital etc and have them let down because they can't do what I said I would do for them. I don't want to inconvenience people. It's mad isn't it?
Tonight the police were involved. I called crisis team and told them I was at the river. I didn't go there with any intentions. But while I was there and I started thinking of it as an option. So, I reached out. My thoughts were scaring me. The guy said he was going to have to call the police. So, I said ok, I'd go home. The last thing I need is being put on a 136 and then my family finding out as the AMHP called them to tell them he was doing an assessment for a section 2. So, I came home. I called the guy back and said I was at home now so he didn't need to call the police. But, half an hour later I get a police man at my door. He then called another guy who has a MH nurse with him and they patrol. So they came too. But, basically, as I have an appointment booked in tomorrow, they left me to it. I am trying to not do anything as I have my back up coming in the post. I don't want to be ill from something not working and it being an even bigger mess. So, the reason I am trying to keep myself safe, is not because I am not sure, it's because I am waiting for something that would work.
I basically told the guy the truth (well a half truth, nothing about a back up), that I was really struggling to keep myself safe. That I wouldn't call anyone now as was after 9 and when ever I have spoken to someone on that team before they have been useless. So, I can't see the point in doing it. I didn't tell him I have no intention of going to that appointment tomorrow. I can't really see the point in it. Also, it would be with someone I have never met before. I feel it really uncomfortable. At least if it's someone who knows me they can read me and can tell me what I am thinking without me being able to say anything. They can tell me what's going to happen, what they will do. I really don't know what they can do at the moment.
And, I don't understand my doctor. When I ask for medication he tells me no, and that medication won't make me feel better etc. And that he will not make any changes. So when I called them before, I said there was not much point in talking to him as he won't do anything and doesn't agree in medication, but they get in contact with him anyway and they said they had spoken to him and he was increasing my meds. Again, I am meant to be seeing him next week. Again, I can't really see the point.
I don't know why I reach out to people when I feel like this. They can't exactly do much. All they do is just tell me to distract myself. I only call them when I have exhausted my distraction techniques. I can't see the point in calling.
Anyway. That's it.