Monday, 11 August 2014

3 Years...

The problems have been going on much longer than 3 years. I first went to a doctor about my problems in 2006. But, it is 3 years today since I was first hospitalised. After pretty much a year in hospital, the majority of this spent on Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU), where have I come? Where am I?

The main thing I would say is I am more aware of what causes the mood changes. How something spirals for me. How smaller things build up and I get sucked in to to the illness. Get engulfed by it. But, it being aware progress? It's still happening isn't it? I am still self harming. I am still making plans. I am still feeling the same as I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. OK, I suppose I can manage to stay well for longer. I have realised the importance of a healthy lifestyle. I cut down alcohol, I exercise, I eat well. But, when I get bad. I get bad. Just as bad, if not worse than I was before. Each time it seems worse. The self harm gets worse. The plans become more solid. So what do I do? I don't see a way out of this. 

I am more willing to accept help now. But, I feel as though I can't win. I don't like asking for help as I worry as I am being seen as attention seeking. I don't like to specify what helps and what doesn't because I worry that I will be seen as manipulative. I don't feel like I can speak out and voice how I am really feeling in case I am seen to be manipulating them. 

The feelings are getting stronger and more intense. But, I don't feel as though I can tell them that. Because, I am waiting for a bed in hospital. And I worry that if I say how much more intense the urges and feelings are getting then it looks as though I am saying "you best hurry up and get me a bed or I will do something to hurt myself". 

I feel that by saying I won't take a bed in a particular hospital (about 45miles away) that I am seen as being manipulative. I have my reasons about not wanting to take this bed. It's so far away and I don't know any of the staff, so have no relationship with anyone at all. I worry what this will do to my impulses etc...I don't feel as though I can win. I know from past experience I need to be around people I have a relationship with already. It helps me be more honest and open with them. Also, they can read me. They know what works for me as well. For instance, if hospital does not help and the risks increase because I am in hospital, they know that being in hospital is not good for me. So, they will discharge me. I worry that if I am somewhere I don't know and being in hospital made me worse, that the staff would counter act this by placing me in a more secure ward or putting me on a section. And then that would make me worse. 
In the past hospital admissions haven't been helpful. I am taking a risk saying I will go in. It may not help. But on the chance it will, I have said I am willing to be admitted. Also, I really can't keep myself safe at the moment. I am doing risky things and getting by taking small regular overdoses. My irrational mind tells me that because I was checked out at hospital on Friday, that it's obviously ok for me to carry on doing what I was doing. There is some rational thought in there somewhere. But, it's fleeting and I can't grab on to it.
One of the things that is always on my mind when having being diagnosed with traits of PD is that I am seen as manipulative. I have seen and heard many comments from professionals about people with the diagnosis. I feel that everything I do is being scrutinised and everything I do is labelled as a PD thing. That me self harming is just an attention seeking thing, that me saying no to a bed and still self harming is just manipulating them in to finding one in the hospital I would prefer. That me being honest and telling them how I feel and that I do need help is me being manipulative of them making them find a bed quicker.
I think being stuck with the label of a PD diagnosis or even PD traits is a bloody awful thing. I feel as though I am untreatable and that anything I do I am attention seeking. 
I'm torn as to what to do. Pull away because I don't want to be seen as though I am attention seeking (but risk things getting a lot worse), or ask for help but risk being seen as attention seeking and manipulative and possibly not getting treatment as if I am attention seeking it's best not to reward attention seeking behaviour.
I need help, I know that. But, does that necessarily mean I am attention seeking? Does having the insight in to the fact that I need help mean that I don't actually need it?

So, I feel pretty messed up over this. I wonder if I could manage on my own. Tell them that I don't need their input. To give it to someone who would benefit more. Someone who is suffering psychosis for instance. 
I think they are pretty much giving up on me anyway. I won't be seeing G for much longer. I do appreciate why. He can't go on seeing me forever. I can't carry on seeing him just because I like him and feel as though I can be honest with him. I do find the meetings helpful most of the time. I have found someone who I can open up to and I can trust that they are doing what's in my best interests. And, someone who tells it like it is. He will question me and make me think. And get annoyed with me when I am being stupid. But, I can't say how much it has helped over all in the grand scheme of things as I have nothing to compare it to. I can't say where I would be if I had had never had the therapy. 
It does worry me though that the medics say all I need is therapy, that medication isn't the answer. So, for the last 2.5 years I have been doing therapy. Medication isn't the answer apparently. So what is?

I feel like I have failed at the whole therapy thing. Surly after such intense work I shouldn't be where I am now. But, I do really like G. I am untreatable, I will always be like this. I am a drain on resources. 

At the same time though, if therapy is the answer, I don't want to stop it. I need to continue to work at it. I worry that if I stop, or see someone else I won't be able to open up to them. I will have to start all over again. 

I'm tired. All I can see is my life like this for the rest of my life. I have done what I have been told and I have got no where. I don't want to live my life as a constant battle of wanting to stay alive. I want to be normal.

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