Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Can't Be Cured

After over 2 years of therapy. I am still the same. Sometimes, I do feel as though I am getting somewhere, others, like now. I wonder what the point is. I like G, I really do. But, I wonder if therapy has helped at all. I have a better understanding of why I feel like I do. But, I still feel like I do.

Therapy is coming to an end. I have been told medication isn't the answer. Therapy is ending. So does that basically mean I am beyond help?

When I am like this I can't see progress. I still feel as though I am the same messed up person I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. I am aware of them which I wasn't before, but they are there.

G is great, he is. And, I don't want to lose him. But, I am not sure me saying that I need him because I have a relationship with him and I can be more honest with him than I can with anyone. He reads me well and can help me put some order to my thoughts and give them some validation, I can offload at him and he doesn't flap. It is useful seeing him, but, I don't think he is the person meant to be doing that for me. He is a psychologist, and I am not sure how much psychology is useful. It's the having someone I know, someone who reads me and can make me feel a bit less confused that is. I understand that probably isn't his role and it can be filled by someone a whole lot less expensive. So, I understand why our relationship has to end. It doesn't mean I am ok with it though.

I feel even more defective, I feel like a lost cause. For so long I have been told that therapy is the answer, and if I work at it I will get better in time. Well, I've been doing that. Yet, here I am still. I am still making plans. Cancelling plans with friends because I am not sure if I will be around, cancelling plans because, once the delivery comes I want to be on my own and really think it through and make the best decision.

I am not sure what the point in crisis team etc is. I call them and I am just told to distract myself. I've tried that. I wouldn't be calling if I hadn't. But then they tell me the same thing again. I was supposed to have an appointment today, but I decided I can't see the point in going. I can't see the point in having any input from them. I have had input the last 3 years and still end up in the same place.

So, I am kind of lost at the moment.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Please read that letter to yourself, it's all true

Good luck,